Before the Fall
by LucyToo
Summary: Leonardo comes to discover more about himself and his most antagonistic brother as he helps Raphael recover from an injury. Slash. Challenge fic. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note - this story is the result of two seperate challenges on Stealthy Stories. The first was to have Raph and Leo dealing with a bullet wound. The second was to write a story in which Raph, king of machismo, is seduced by someone dominant._

_If you couldn't tell, this will be Raph/Leo slash. I know it sounds odd to make Leo the dominant in that pairing, but in my head there's a beautiful way it can work, and I hope it comes out as nice as I'm thinking it will. Really, just planning this story out makes me adore Leo about ten times more than I did._

_So, right! Because I don't have enough stories in the works, here's one more. (I said I was going to work on Return to the River first, but for now that one's just not talking to me. Hope no one's too mad. I don't plan to leave any of these stories unfinished. Promise.)_

* * *

Leonardo wrenched his sword free. 

The Purple Dragon howled at his feet, hands going feebly to the gaping gash in his leg where Leo had caught him.

Leo dismissed the man from his mind. There were already sirens in the distance - he wouldn't die from the wound. Though in prison with a bad leg he might wish he had.

Served him right, though. Leo looked around at the other fallen gang bangers. Absently his wrist snapped, flicking blood off his katana before he sheathed it. He turned a fierce, adrenaline-fueled grin to his brothers.

"Don?"

"She's gone, Leo. Didn't stick around long enough to see us." Don's bo was already stashed, his eyes on the entryway to the alley. "They didn't do much more than scare her. We need to get out of here."

"Yeah." Leo drew in a breath, grim and satisfied. Rapists. He hated rapists with a special kind of passion. He glanced at Mike, who was keeping a conscious banger quiet, and Raph, who was standing on top of a dumpster, surveying the scene like the self-crowned king of the hill. Both fine. Untouched, probably.

He left the screaming Dragon behind, moving to Don's side. "I'd say that went pretty well."

Don grinned. "Did you see what…" Don's eyes focused behind him, suddenly getting just a bit wider.

Strange, Leo never stopped thinking after that day. Such a huge moment, such a harsh blast of reality, but all he himself saw of it was that slight widening of Don's eyes.

Raph's voice roared behind him, a shout and the scrape of sudden movement. "Leo!"

And then a boom, deep and echoing and final.

His sword was already in his hand when he wheeled around, but though he was quick he was too late.

Raph stood maybe three feet behind him.

The fallen banger was on Raph's other side. In his hand was the gun, still drizzling smoke from the barrel.

When Leo realized he wasn't hit he darted past Raph and stomped, all his weight landing on the guy's wrist.

The gun dropped, the howling faded into waivers and then silenced. The guy fell limp.

Leo picked up the gun and threw it with all his strength into the wall. He hated guns. He absolutely--

"Oh, God. Leo?"

He looked back.

Don was by Raph, who stood right where Leo had left him. Raph's face was strange, his eyes wide, blinking a lot. Confused.

His hand was near his belt, grasping like he'd gotten punched in the gut. Red welled under his palm, a steady drip downward.

Leo was by him an instant later without being consciously aware of even moving. He pried Raph's arm away, and for a moment he could only stare, sickened, at the gurgling hole. The shattered circle, the cracks around it that laced his plastron.

He looked up.

Raph blinked at him with glossy eyes. "Leo?" He sounded young, baffled.

"Don! Mike!" Leo couldn't take his eyes from his brother's.

Don took over. "Mike, find something to use, some bandage or…something clean. Take one of their shirts if you have to."

"Clean?" Mike was dubious, but he moved fast.

"Raph? Come on, let's get you--"

Raph's knees gave out.

Leo and Don caught him and helped him to the ground carefully.

Don called something out to Mike and untied Raph's belt, but in Leo's head the whole scene was going out of focus bit by bit. All he could see as everything else faded away were Raph's eyes, still open. Wide, scared.

He grasped Raph's stained hand. "You're gonna be okay. Don's got this covered, Raph."

Raph blinked, trying to focus, and strangely he smiled. "'s okay, Leo," he muttered. "'s good this way."

"What? What way? There's no 'way' here, Raph. You're fine."

Raph grinned hazily. "You're fine."

Leo blinked, breathless. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

"Then 's okay." Raph's voice was a slur. His eyes threatened to close.

Leo slapped him, sharp and light. "Hey. Don't do that. Don't close your eyes."

"'s oka--"

"Stop telling me it's okay! Keep your eyes open, Raph." Leo ignored the thinness of his own voice. He was aware of Mike and Don across from him, worrying over the wound. He couldn't focus on it. He couldn't see anything but Raph's face.

Raph's grin was fading. His fingers shivered in Leo's hand. "…good it was me," he mumbled.

Leo leaned in. His breathing was shallow, his head shaking. Raphael...just an hour ago they'd been fighting so angrily they might have come to blows, and over something ridiculous. He couldn't even remember what. It never mattered with them - the fight was the only important thing.

He wasn't ready for this. He wasn't fucking ready for this today.

"You're not dying here. You don't get to jump in front of guns and play hero, you hear me?"

Raph spoke under his breath.

"Leo? Leo!"

"What?" Leo snapped his eyes back at Don.

"Is there blood anywhere else? From his mouth or nose?"

"No! Stop talking and fix him!"

Don ignored him, saying something to Mike about good signs.

Leo turned back, and Raph's eyes were on him.

"Hey, don' worry," Raph got out. "Better it's me."

"Stop talking like that! You're not expendable, Raph! None of us are."

Raph grinned, tight and small and bloodless. "Am."

Leo's face felt hot. He scrambled to find Raph's hand when it slipped from his grasp. "You're fine, okay? You're a pain in the ass, but you're--"

Raph mumbled something, his eyes barely half open.

"What?" Leo leaned in.

"…love you."

He pulled back, shaking his head. "Shut up. We know, and you can tell us later."

Raph's eyes closed. "Never said it before," he murmured. "Should've."

"Leo?"

"What?"

Don was moving, on his knees again with Mike on Raph's other side. "We have to go. Police."

"No. No, he's not dying. We're fixing him here."

"We can fix him at home."

Leo looked at Raph. His face was slack.

He swallowed, his chest burning. "Promise me that."

Don's hand settled on his arm for half a second. "We have to go fast, though."

"Yeah. We'll go fast."

"Mike, get his other--"

"No." Leo was already there. He took Raph's arm.

Don nodded, and together they lifted him between them.

Raph's belt had been retied over the wound, holding a wad of black fabric as a makeshift bandage. Red streaked from it, drying down either side of his plastron. Down his legs. On the ground.

Leo drew in a ragged breath and started moving with Don.

He prayed the entire way, long and endless and loud in his mind, that when they got home it wouldn't be a corpse they carried between them.


	2. Chapter 2

The trip took too long. The bandage came loose. They stumbled too many times.

Raph started shaking down in the sewers, twitching. Blood drizzled a thin trail down his chin. Alive, but worse and worse and worse and Leo was ready to scream and then-

-then they were there, and Splinter was moving out of his room drawn by Mike's shouts, and Don was dragging Raph and Leo towards the dojo. The clean mats and bandages and as soon as they were through the door Don stumbled over a seam in the mats and lost his grip and Raph fell.

Fell and hit the ground stomach-first and Leo tried to catch him, but his arms were tired and Raph was heavy and he fell and Leo couldn't do anything but turn him over and watch him arch and tremble.

"--to get more bandages. Leo!"

Don's voice cut into his mind. He looked up.

An urgency was in Don's eyes, urgency that meant nothing good for Raph. "I need you to boil some water. Splinter, find a pair of pliers in my tools. Something long and thin. I'll also need one of Raph's spare sai."

Leo just sat for a moment, frozen. Nothing made sense to him except staying beside Raph, protecting, helping, staring if that's all he could do.

"Leo! Go!" Don reached out and physically pushed him back, off balance and onto the mat.

Leo scrambled to his feet and went. The snap in Don's voice was unusual for their quietest brother, and Leo didn't want to think of what it meant.

He charged into the kitchen, and with shaking hands - red hands and it was Raph's blood drying and cracking on his skin - he filled the biggest pot he could find with water.

_Leo!_

Just a shout. God, why hadn't he had more warning? Why had he turned his back on that punk creep? So overconfident, so sure the guy was finished. How had Raph made that leap from the dumpster just in time? How quickly must he have reacted?

God. He wasn't ready for this. They were out on some routine patrol. Nothing. Nothing was supposed to happen. A fight with Purple Dragons was like playtime for them. It wasn't real. It wasn't serious.

It wasn't fair that with one blink of an eye, one turn of his back, everything went so wrong so fast.

_It's good this way_. Wasn't that what Raph said? Good this way.

Jesus.

He was breathing hard, staring at the surface of the water and willing it to boil faster.

And they'd just been arguing. Fighting over what? He had no idea. Something that didn't matter at all. Leo'd been mad, but they went out anyway. What if Leo had made mistakes because of it?

"Leo?"

He jumped, whirled around. Bad news? No. No, he wasn't ready. Not today. Not yet.

Mike stood, shivering, grasping his arms. "I'll watch this. You go."

Leo didn't need to be told twice. He didn't bother asking Mike if he was alright, or wondering what put that sick note in his voice. He just went.

The dojo mats were stained in a few places, from sparring gone too far or accidents in practice. Nothing like this growing darkness under Raph.

Leo kneeled right in the stain. He grasped Raph's hand and looked at Don. "What do you need?"

"Splinter and Mike are taking care of supplies. Just…"

Raph seized suddenly, twitching and heaving off the mat.

"Damn it. Grab his shoulders. Don't force him down, just make sure he doesn't roll or twist." Don's eyes never once lifted from the wound in Raph's gut.

Leo leaned over Raph, hands finding his shoulders. He held, light but firm, and felt the helpless heave of muscles under his hands.

His own breath felt too fast, too shallow. "Jesus. Don…"

"Don't, Leo."

He was left staring down at Raph's face, oddly blanched until he was almost Mike's lighter color, pain etched around his eyes and mouth.

Without thinking he bent closer, his eyes shutting. "You'll be okay. You'll be okay." The words became a mantra, and he spoke them over and over again as Raph's seizing slowed and finally stopped. "You'll be okay. You'll be okay."

He opened his eyes and found himself just inches from his brother's unconscious face. He leaned in, his forehead brushing Raph's. He had to be okay. He had jumped in Leo's path. "You'll be okay," he rasped out one more time, soft and scared.

A touch on his shoulder made him straighten. He looked back and saw Splinter there.

He looked to Raph's other side and saw the pot of water steaming on the mat, and Mike scared kneeling behind Don, who was grasping a dripping, steaming pair of pliers.

Don met his eyes for a grim moment. "Move a little, Leo. You'll need to keep holding him, but I need room."

Leo shifted himself behind Raph's head. With not a moment's pause he gingerly hefted Raph's shoulders up, and crossed his legs to be a pillow of some sort for his brother. His hands rested on Raph's shoulders, and he braced himself. He looked to Don and nodded once.

Don turned. "Mike? You don't have to watch this."

Mike's eyes were glued to the wound still dribbling blood over the mats. When he spoke it was a feathery whisper that sounded completely foreign to him. "Will he die?"

Don hesitated. "He might."

"I'll stay."

Don drew a breath, turned back to Raph. He held the pliers carefully over the wound. Splinter crouched on his other side, quiet and solemn, antiseptic in hand.

Leo let himself be grounded by the flesh under his hands. His eyes went to Raph's face, upside down on his lap. He tried to hear more than those two words.

_He might. He might. He might._

When the pliers dug into him, Raph jumped. His eyes flew open and pierced right into Leo for a moment before darting, wild, glazed, searching for the enemy causing him pain. He kicked out.

Mike moved before he could be asked, hitting his knees by Raph's feet, holding his ankles to keep him still.

It took hours. Days. Years. Don had one hand flat on Raph's plastron, the other clutched the pliers, digging blindly into the wound, searching. Forever.

Leo was ready to start screaming when Don finally straightened, pliers coming free, stained in red, with a twisted hunk of silver metal caught in their tongs.

Raph stilled, panting for air, eyes blank and wild.

Don set the tongs and the bent bullet to the side.

Splinter poured a drizzle of antiseptic from the bottle directly into the wound. If the sting of it cut past whatever pain he was already feeling, Raph gave no sign.

Leo relaxed as Raph stopped fighting. He slid his hand to the side of his brother's head still nestled on his lap. His broad thumb swiped over the line of tears Raph had shed, gentle.

"You'll be okay," he said in the pause. His voice was a whisper. "You'll be okay, Raph."

Raph's eyes swung upwards, and for a moment they seemed to clear.

Leo looked down at him, thumb smoothing back and forth over his cheek. "You'll be okay."

Raph's throat worked. His hand twitched at his side, as if he wanted to reach out for something.

"Leo." Don's voice, a low warning.

Reluctantly he looked up, and he swallowed when he saw the sai in Don's hand. The long middle prong was steaming, steel so hot it made the air around it curl like smoke.

Leo's hands slid back to Raph's shoulders, and he shut his eyes rather than watch.

A sick sound, like a sizzle, was covered almost the instant it started by Raph's scream.

But it was quick, a touch inside the wound and then it was done.

Leo pried his eyes open to watch Don, but the moment the sai was free and blood no longer drizzled from the wound, Don dropped it to the mat. He stood up and lurched towards the door, moving out of sight fast.

Leo dropped his eyes.

Raph was limp and lifeless, but breath made his chest rise and fall.

Leo's hands slid off of him. He let out a breath, dropping his head. Shouldn't have happened. Any of it.

Mike was quick to get up and go after Don. Only Splinter stayed there with Leo, beside Raph. Waiting for…something. Anything.

For a miracle that would make this like some bad movie, where he's shot one moment and up and walking the next.

"Leonardo."

He lifted his eyes and looked at Splinter.

"What happened?"

"It was for me." Leo's voice sounded oddly grating in his throat. He swallowed. "It was for me," he said again.

He wasn't sure if he meant the bullet, or the sacrifice.

* * *

Raph's hammock was out of the question, so Leo simply directed them to his own room. Raph was laid carefully in his bed, and supplies were brought in to cover Leo's bare surfaces. Bandages, water. Antiseptic.

Leo stayed with him, though he heard his brothers discussing plans. Discussing things that had to be done.

For maybe the first time in his entire life, Leo didn't have anything to do with it. He didn't try to direct his brothers - Don knew what they needed better than he did, and Splinter would know where to get them. He didn't want to join in, to play a part in the search.

He wanted to sit there, perched on the edge of his bed. Making sure Raph's last breath was followed by a next breath. The talk went on behind him, then outside the room, on the phone and at the door, and maybe they were going out but Leo didn't pay attention.

He watched the rise and fall of Raph's chest, the complete blankness in his face. He took hold of his brother's hand, felt the calloused ridges of his fingers, the lines etched in his palm.

For a little while things seemed almost peaceful.

When he heard quiet footsteps pad into the room, he frowned. His eyes stayed on Raph's face.

Don appeared over his shoulder and then at the foot of the bed. "We'll need more covers," he said quietly, his voice strained. "He'll probably go into shock. Splinter's making tea, though I don't think he'll wake up soon enough to drink." He glanced at Leo. "Mike's gone for April and Casey. They can get most of the things I think we'll need."

Leo nodded absently. "You okay?" he asked without looking at Don.

Don hesitated. "That was…I don't know…"

Leo felt his apprehension. "You did the best you could, which was more than any of us would've known how to do. If he lives it's because of you."

Don left, and returned in minutes with a pile of covers. He dropped them to the floor and took them up one by one to lay over Raph's still form. "I kept hearing voices," he said as he carefully tucked each cover around Raph. "In my head, like those television shows in the hospitals. People shouting about blood pressure and heart rate and monitors and calling surgery."

"We can't have those things," Leo said, understanding Don's hollow tone.

"Leo…"

Leo dragged his eyes from Raph.

On the other side of the bed, absently tucking a corner around Raph's shoulder, Don looked as solemn as Leo had ever seen.

"A bullet wound isn't like what we normally deal with. If we're cut, we bandage it and hope no nerve was damaged. Bullets are…they're the difference between someone getting sliced in two or getting blown up by a bomb. Bullets explode. They tear and burst. They send bone fragments into organs. They leave damage I can't see, and I don't know how to fix. Cauterizing and wrapping it isn't enough, but there's no more I can do."

Leo frowned back at Raph.

"If he's bleeding internally, or he's got damage to his organs, I can't fix it. I can't…"

"He'll be okay," Leo said softly.

"Maybe. It'll be a while before we can be sure."

"He will."

A pause. Don moved away from the bed and around, coming up behind Leo as if a different angle was all he needed to see where Leo's certainty came from.

Leo looked up at him. "It's Raph."

Don hesitated, the gravity not leaving his face. But his eyes went from Raph to Leo, and after a moment he nodded. "Yeah."

Leo let out a breath. "Yeah." It wasn't time yet. Not time for one of them to say goodbye.

"I…" Don hesitated. He moved to sit gingerly beside Leo, careful not to disturb Raph. "I heard what he said to you on the street."

Leo looked back at Raph. He heard those words too, going through his head again and again. That it was good that way. That Raph thought he was expendable somehow. That things were okay as long as Leo was fine.

He could feel Don's eyes on him, and he looked back.

The corner of Don's mouth tilted up just a little, like he was trying to smile and losing the battle. "I heard him tell you he loved you. I'm glad he realized…" He let out a breath, eyes going back to Raph. "I was starting to think neither of you would ever figure it out. I'm glad he said it, and I'm glad…" He trailed off, and reached out to lightly lay a hand on Leo's, which was still clutching Raph's firmly.

Leo blinked, looking from Don to their hands, and back to Don.

Don stood, his hand sliding away. "I hope you two get a chance to sort it out."

Leo's mouth opened, then shut.

"Call me if anything changes." Don inhaled, the softest of sniffles. He moved to the door and out, shutting it softly behind him.

Leo looked after him, wanting to be confused. Wanting to protest, to say that Raph was talking about all of them. To say there was nothing to sort out.

Raph lay still, softly breathing, and Leo's hand couldn't manage to move the few muscles it would take to release the limp hand from his grip.

And really, he wasn't confused at all.


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note - Little shift in tone here, and another one coming up next chapter. _

_Thanks so much to everyone for the feedback. I see I didn't have to be worried about slash keeping people from reading. Apparently there are more people than me in the world who think slash is up there with rainbows and puppies and stuff. _

_Hey, Tri! Since the alerts are wonky and I can't send private messages, I'm answering you here. Sure! Feel free to send as detailed a critique as you like. Anyone else who wants to dig in and slap me around, go for it. I'm always trying to get better. Someday I'm hoping to do this for a living (writing, I mean, not necessarily slashing fictional turtles), and I'd be a pretty big hypocrite if I asked for feedback and didn't want the good with the bad. It's all in the name of improvement, right? (Best email it, of course, since this site is just a leetle bit unreliable these days.) _

_ Now. Story.  
_

* * *

First came the blast, then came the panic.

Afterwards? That was when the waiting began.

That was when Leo felt his thoughts beginning to regain a little of their normal meter and tone. As he sat, hour stacking on hour, waiting for his brother to open his eyes, he felt his own sense of equilibrium returning.

He was so used to being perfectly in control that being out of it for that little while had been jarring. Unable to control his thoughts, to form words, to take his normal place at the head of the group, directing his brothers and assisting Splinter…it was disturbing.

The return to placid thinking, the settling of rings in the pool of his mind, should have been comforting.

Perhaps it was. He wasn't giving it much thought. Though he had the silence and peace he could have used to reflect, he chose instead to watch Raphael's face, to think of everything that had shifted their lives around so entirely in the last day.

Raph wasn't safe yet. Don was quick to remind him of that. He slipped into shock, as Don predicted, but it didn't seem so bad to cover him, keep him warm. Speak to him quietly in case he could hear. And after a little while, Raph fought the reaction and slept deep but normally.

It was Raph he thought about most of all.

It was funny, but he couldn't remember a time he and Raph weren't at odds with each other. When they were young, and Leo would devote himself so wholeheartedly to Splinter and their teachings, Raph would stand to the side and smirk and call him teacher's pet. At the same time Leo would scowl and roll his eyes and call Raph a simpleton.

When Splinter chose weapons for them, Raph wanted the katana. When Leo was made leader, Raph was angry for weeks. He never got over that, actually, not the way he grew to respect and love the sai he was given.

They argued over orders, over patrols, over the right ways to handle attackers. They argued over strategy, over lessons. Over meals. If they talked about it, chances were they argued about it. Especially the last few years. Maybe growing older was making it worse.

Leo didn't remember how or why it started. He'd never questioned it. It was as much a part of his life as his blades, or the sewers.

It bothered him to sit there beside Raph's still body and not be able to give reason for a lifetime of fighting. It bothered him that he still couldn't remember what they were fighting about only hours ago, before that Purple Dragon had pulled his gun.

The fights, then, were nothing. Simple as that. They weren't relevant. They weren't important enough to remember.

But after the fighting, what was left? What was there in a lifetime of being brothers?

He couldn't think of much. A few jokes, a few nights having rare talks. Exchanging wicked grins though ten different enemies stood between them.

Raph jumping in front of a bullet to save his life.

Was that it?

It couldn't be. There was an entire life between them. They were young, maybe, but twenty years they had been awake and aware and brothers.

Leo could have named a thousand inside jokes between he and Michelangelo, and a hundred different things he and Don had done together, or talked to death. He could recite shopping lists of foods the two of them liked or hated. He could tell stories, laughing, about then as children. About Mikey drawing his outlandish pictures and Don, baffled, unable to tell what the drawings were of because, as Mike put it, he saw too much with his _eyes_.

He thought of those memories, and Raph was just a hazy figure in the background. A wallflower, watching and smirking, or frowning, angry or bemused, but hardly ever part of it.

That couldn't be right. It just couldn't. What was there he didn't remember right? Was his memory resentful of their constant fighting, blocking Raph out of scenes he should have been in?

He remembered being in a coma himself once. Lying presumably as still as Raph was now. Splinter told him later that they stood around him, his brothers and Splinter, April and Casey. They told stories, they exchanged memories. They all tried to wake him up.

But he always responded to Raph.

Splinter recounted that as if it were amusing. "I suppose the instinct to best your brother, to not idly accept his challenges, was too much for even unconsciousness to keep down."

Leo didn't know what any of it meant. He didn't know where he stood in his brother's life, or where Raph should stand in his.

He knew one thing for certain - that when Raph jumped in front of him and took a bullet for Leo, when he fell and seized and bled and might have died, Leo felt a sickness in his heart he had never felt before.

* * *

His eyes opened with a start, and he blinked around. "What…?" Memory was hazy for a few seconds, but it returned to overwhelm him, and instantly he leaned in to the bed, searching Raph for any signs of awareness. 

"Leo."

He looked back, realizing then what had woken him up. Don was behind him, looking down at Raph.

Leo relaxed a little, stretching out his spine with a grimace. "Ow."

"Sleeping in a chair will do that," Don agreed, moving past him to sit on the edge of the bed. He reached out, his palm resting on Raph's temple. "I think it's safe to say we avoided infection. He doesn't have any hint of fever."

"That's good."

"That's amazing." Don sent him a faint smile. "I'd ask if he's moved at all but I guess you wouldn't have noticed."

"I would have." Leo spoke confidently. He hadn't been sleeping deeply.

Don raised his eyebrows, but turned back to Raph. "We've got to keep him hydrated. We might have to force him awake if he doesn't come to on his own soon."

"Can't force Raph to do anything he doesn't want to do," Leo said absently, his hand finding Raph's right where he'd left it over the covers.

Don murmured agreement. Satisfied, he stood up. "You might consider going to sleep in a real bed. Me or Mike can sit in with him, if--"

"I'm fine." It was the truth. He felt stiff a little, but rested.

"Okay. For now." Don lay a hand on Leo's shoulder. "Call if you need--"

"Don."

Don paused beside him, waiting.

Leo hesitated, regarding Raph's face. "You said you've known for a while that he…how he felt. About me." He was hesitant to speak the words out loud.

Don didn't need him to. "Sour grapes."

"What?"

Don smiled, nodding at Raph. "Sour grapes. That's how he deals with things. If he wants something and can't have it, he does his best to convince everyone that he never really wanted it." He looked back at Leo. "You remember what he said about the katana when he got over not getting to train on them?"

Leo thought about it. "I remember a few less than flattering remarks about oversized steak knives."

Don nodded. "When Splinter didn't choose him as our leader, he suddenly decided we didn't need a leader, and he set out to break every rule given to him." He smiled rather fondly down at their unconscious brother. "Remember when he saved that one girl from a couple of drugged up guys trying to grab her?"

Leo chuckled. "Which time?"

"First one." Don's smile faded. "We were maybe seventeen, and he wasn't even supposed to be up alone. He came home furious because this little girl had hit him and called him a monster after he saved her."

Leo's laughter vanished. They all had those stories, and they'd been more than a little painful the first few times, before they got used to it.

With a start he realized what Don was leading up to. "Right. He refused to go up for a few weeks. Said he hated humans and their whole world."

Don sighed. "Sour grapes. Then, maybe four, five years ago? All the sudden he couldn't agree with a single thing you said. Everything was a fight, as if he didn't care about you at all."

Leo nodded.

"It's just his way of dealing with things." Don shrugged. "But this time it kept going, on and on. It didn't go away. I knew it had to be something big. And then…"

"Then what?"

Don hesitated. He glanced at Raph. "Never mind."

"Don. What?"

Don smiled. "Not mine to tell, Leo. Just…trust me. I know what I'm talking about."

Leo sighed, knowing he'd get no more out of him.

Don left them to their silence, Leo and Raph. Leo tossed over what Don said. Sour grapes. It really was Raph's habit to deal with things that way. Even things he managed to get for himself. He never liked to let on how important they were, so that if he lost them no one would realize how much he was hurting.

His sai, for one. Raph would have been the first to call them overgrown salad forks, but when he lost one in a battle it bothered him so much he obsessed.

Leo had always known that about him, in an unacknowledged way. He knew Raph's bitterness came from something besides anger. He knew that when Raph claimed not to care one way or another about something, he was almost always lying.

He never thought of it in terms of himself.

Was that his answer, then? Was that why in his memories Raph was always a remote presence? Had Leo himself been a sour grape for Raph to deal with?

Maybe it wasn't Leo's faulty mind. Maybe Raph had distanced himself, had fought, on purpose.

His hazy memories, after all, meant nothing when stacked against the image of Raph on his back in an alley, bleeding and smiling because it was better that he die than Leo get hurt.

_Love you_, he'd said. _Never said it before. Should've._

A life spent defensive, on edge, pretending to hate. Bitter, mad. Distancing himself from Leo because somehow, for some reason, he saw something in Leo that he loved.

It seemed impossible.

Mutations. Aliens. Magic, other dimensions. God, what in their lives wasn't impossible? Those lives themselves should have been impossible, but there they were. And there Raph was, wounded with a bullet meant for Leo.

_Never said it before. Should've._

Leo became aware that he was smiling, that it was big and sincere and that even Raph unconscious in front of him couldn't dampen it.

He'd never been anyone's sour grape before.

And Raphael…he was dark, and strong, and so silent in Leo's memory that he might have been a stranger. Someone Leo could get to know. Someone who loved him.

He reached out and took Raph's hand, sliding his fingers over the rough skin, twining their fingers together. His other hand stroked, light, back and forth down Raph's forearm. The skin was softer there, the muscles relaxed.

He leaned in, gazing at Raph's slack face, naked without the fiery red band and glaring eyes. "Come back to me," he said quietly, the words light from the smile they passed through. "Come back and let's have this."

Raph's face shifted, dropping towards him as if he heard the words.

Leo's smile only grew. Of course he heard. Raph had called him back from blackness once, why shouldn't Leo do the same for him?

Warm in a way new to him, happy despite the horror of the day, Leo reached out to Raph. The pads of his fingers smoothed down his cheek. "Raph, come on. Come back."

The muscles of his face contracted and relaxed, and Raph's mouth moved soundlessly.

He would have to call for Don, Leo knew. But he had a moment. He had time enough to wait, to see…

A sliver of brown, bright and glazed, appeared between widening eyelids.


	4. Chapter 4

For a second his focus was clear enough that he saw eyes and a blue mask. But before his mind could even put a name to the familiar sight, his vision blurred and he couldn't think.

Pain. That's all he knew. Pain, like a spike being driven into his gut and spreading outward. A wail started in his stomach, became a groan before it reached his throat, and in the end when he opened his mouth all that came out was a strangled whimper.

Jesus. Fucking Jesus he hurt. His hands tried to rise, to cover the spot, to make whoever was stabbing him stop, but his body wouldn't obey his commands. His arms felt weighed down, his legs might've been glued to whatever he was laying on.

He heard the whimper, and what little part of his mind still functioned ordered his mouth silent. No cries. No weakness. Whoever had him, whoever was doing this, he wouldn't give them the satisfaction.

Something brushed his face and his eyes, which had closed without his permission, flew open. An unclear shape moved over him, close.

His head twitched away from the touch.

"Raph. Hey. Relax."

Leo, his mind supplied, finding a touch of coherence. He blinked and squinted, trying to clear his vision. Why the hell was Leo standing there driving burning pokers into his gut? Seemed rude.

"Don's coming, Raph. Hang on. Take it easy."

Easy. Right. He growled and squeezed his eyes shut. Might've begged Leo to stop the pain but he didn't trust himself to talk.

Movement, sounds, voices dim in the background, and then Raph felt another touch on his face. He grimaced and tried to back away. Touching hurt. Everything fucking hurt.

"Raph? Can you open your eyes?"

He wanted to punch the blur that asked that ridiculous question. If he could've opened his eyes he would have.

But he tensed, and he tried.

Green blur. Light eyes. Don.

Don was looking at him hard, but his voice was bright and cheerful. "I bet you're in some pain right now, huh?"

Raph's brow furrowed. He swallowed. "Don…" His voice was a rasp.

Don leaned in.

Raph swallowed again, trying to ease the words out. They came out thick and mumbled, but clear enough. "Gon' kick y'r ass when I c'n move."

Don straightened, laughing. "Good to hear that. I need you to drink some water, okay?"

Raph shook his head.

"No?"

His eyes slid shut again, heavy. "St'm'ch hurts."

"I know, Raph." A firmer touch on his forehead.

Raph didn't pull away this time. It was grounding and almost comforting.

"You think you can manage it if I bring you some pain pills to wash down? April and Casey managed to get us some. Nice and strong."

He nodded before he even registered the words. Pain pills. Good things. He hated being medicated normally, but Christ.

"Okay. Leo's gonna help you lift your head a little. Just swallow when I tell you, okay?"

Raph growled. Pain pills. The rest of it could go rot, he wanted something to make this stop.

Hands curved behind his neck, and his head was lifted. It didn't seem to make the pain worse, so Raph stood it. He realized things had gone dark again, and pried his eyes open.

It was humiliating. He dribbled water down his chin, he gagged on the pills before managing to get them down. And he wanted to scream at Don for being a liar, because the moment he swallowed his pain wasn't instantly better.

Instead he just shut his eyes and didn't watch as one of his brothers wiped his chin.

His thoughts wouldn't get any clearer, and his gut wouldn't stop burning. He opened his eyes at one point, saw green and blue.

"Leo?"

The blur leaned in until Raph could see his brother's eyes. "Just give it a few minutes, Raph. You'll feel better."

Raph's eyes shut, and it was harder to open them. "W'happen?"

Weight on his face - a touch, firm, gentle. Leo sounded closer when he answered. "I'll tell you later. Sleep if you can. You should feel better when you wake up."

It was the first order Leo ever gave that he was happy to obey without an argument.

* * *

Things came and went. Faces blurred, voices slurred.

He saw Mike, looking too serious but at least he was alright. He saw Splinter, normally when he came into his mind long enough to taste warm honeyed tea or water. Don woke him now and then, asked him questions that he heard himself answer though he wasn't sure how he could've made any sense.

And Leo. Always, Leo was there, right by him. Looking at him, silent or smiling or talking.

He drank what they gave him, swallowed pills, and everything ran together. It was like a spinning, dizzy, never-ending dream.

Until he opened his eyes and found his thoughts were a little clearer than normal, and he saw Don there offering water, pills in his hands.

Raph wasn't stupid, even when he was drugged to the gills. He knew it was those pills making everything spin.

He swallowed the water, held the pills under his tongue, and when Don left he lay, still and quiet, until Leo's eyes drooped in sleep.

The pills were soggy, bitter lumps in his mouth, but he pushed them out with his tongue, spit them clumsily to the side and hopefully off the bed.

He slept.

* * *

When his eyes opened his gut was burning a little but his mind was sharp. He blinked to clear his vision, and Leo was clear and sharp beside him.

He was also awake again, staring out across the room. Raph was pretty sure he'd been sitting right there for….hell. Hours. Days. However long he'd been swimming on that bed.

Raph looked down at himself, at the layers of covers weighing his body down. It was a relief that the heaviness wasn't entirely in his mind, but he was uncomfortably warm.

His eyes moved back to Leo. His mouth was dry but he rasped loud enough to be heard. "Hey."

Leo's eyes swung to him instantly, and a smile stretched over his face. "Hey. How're you feeling?"

"Hot."

Leo leaned in, not missing a beat, and tugged the top cover off. "You in pain yet?"

Raph blinked.

Leo nodded at the bed. "You were sleeping in your medicine. I had to pry the pills off your cheek." He grinned.

"Didn't tell Don?"

"No. But ask him to lower the dose, okay? Don't just stop taking them."

Raph didn't answer. His gut hurt, but it was just a burning kind of pain. He'd dealt with worse. "What happened? Everybody okay?"

"Everyone's fine." Leo leaned in, and his hand dropped to lay over Raph's.

Raph nearly twitched his hand away - he wasn't good with that whole physical contact thing. But he didn't want to invite more pain. And there was something kinda comforting about it. Familiar or something.

"So?"

"So." Leo studied him. "So we were fighting some Dragons and one of them pulled a gun."

Gun? Figured. Those creeps never could play fair.

Raph looked down at himself, at the covers. The burning stomach, the pain pills. "You mean I…?"

Leo nodded.

"Whoa."

"Yeah." His smile faded. "It was…actually, it was pretty frightening for a while there."

Maybe it was the pills talking, but Raph didn't feel frightened. He felt kind of impressed.

Leo leaned in, fingers pushing under Raph's hand, holding on to it tightly. "You don't remember anything?"

Raph shook his head, twitching to keep from pulling away.

"The guy was shooting at me, Raph."

Raph laughed, a little wheezy. "Shoulda learned to aim better."

"You jumped. You saved my life."

Oh.

Explained the hand-holding and the fact that Leo was growing roots by the bed. Raph grinned weakly and let his fingers tighten a little on Leo's hand. "Don't sweat it."

"Don't sweat it?" Leo stared at him, incredulous. "Raph, you almost died. We had to drag you down here, and Don had to…" He shook his head.

Raph's grin faded. "S'okay, Leo. You'd've done it for me."

"That's not the point."

"What is the point?" Raph shifted a little, wincing at a new degree of fire in his gut. Stupid pills were wearing off.

"You nearly died, Raph." Leo shook his head, and his other hand came around to wrap around their two joined hands. "It doesn't matter who you jumped in front of or why, you almost died."

A faint, dark kind of amusement made Raph's mouth curve up. "Better me than you."

"Stop that!" Leo pulled back, his hands breaking from Raph's. His eyes were wide. "Don't you start that again."

"Again?"

"You're not expendable, Raph. I don't know what ever made you think…" He shook his head, his eyes bright. "Don't even think like that again."

Raph smirked. His gut was starting to burn enough to make him tense, but his eyes stayed on Leo. "Why not?"

Leo gaped at him.

It was easy to return the look with a challenge in his eyes. This was Leo, after all, and it was reflex to look at him with a dare in his eyes.

Leo surprised him, though. He leaned in and his hand found Raph's again, and he spoke soft and serious. "Because we need you."

Raph wanted to snort, but he couldn't. There was something in Leo's gaze, something intense and burning. Earnest, as Leo always was, but fierce.

He meant it.

Raph swallowed to coat a dry throat. He turned his eyes away from that look.

Leo's voice lowered. "I don't know what you've been thinking to yourself lately, but we need you, Raph. I need you."

Something in that made him tense. Something long-buried and long-resented stirred, and Raph shoved it away with as fierce an anger as he could manage. "I'm sure Don or Mike would be willing to argue with you if I wasn't--"

"You love me."

Raph blinked. His eyes went back to Leo, and he stared. For a moment the growing throb from his gut was the only thing in him that seemed able to move. "I what now?"

Leo, incredibly, smiled. His eyes were still intense, but he actually sat there and smiled at Raph. "You love me."

Raph didn't insult either of them by acting like Leo meant something innocent, like brotherly love. Leo spoke too certainly.

Something had happened.

Raph felt his breathing thin, and he wasn't sure it was all because of the hole in his gut. "What did Don tell you?"

Leo shook his head. "You told me, Raph."

"What?" He jerked at his hand.

Leo didn't let it go.

The burn in his stomach was getting worse and worse. He blinked blurring eyes. "Hell I did."

"It's okay, Raph."

"Fuck you." He jerked at his hand again.

Leo let him go. He sat back, frowning. "Calm down. You're going to hurt yourself."

"Fucking Don. He said something, didn't he?" A slur was sliding into Raph's voice. "Gave you that stupid sour grapes speech, didn't he?"

"Raph, relax."

"You relax. I'm…shit." His eyes shut and he breathed raggedly. His hand shifted to awkwardly lay over his stomach. Fire burned hotter with every breath. Ow._ Damn_ it.

"Don!" Leo stood up.

Raph's hand came out, brushing his arm. "Stop. No pills."

"Raph, look at you."

"No. No pills." He tried to steady his breathing. He could handle pain. He couldn't handle floating on clouds, unable to put two thoughts together.

Leo sat back down slowly. "You've got to calm down at least. You're going to hurt yourself."

"Don was lying." Raph pried his eyes open. "He was wrong."

"Okay." Leo spoke too slowly. Disbelieving.

Raph ground his teeth, fighting past a wave of clenching pain fron his stomach.

Leo leaned in, and a cool hand smoothed over Raph's face. Like a sudden breeze in a desert, and Raph leaned into it.

"It's okay. It's okay." Leo spoke quietly.

Raph looked up at him. "Don't…don't say it again."

"What?" Leo studied him, then his brow smoothed. "Don't say you love me?"

Raph grimaced.

"Okay." Leo swallowed. "If that's what you want."

Raph would have laughed any other time. Like it had ever mattered once in his life what he wanted.

Fuck, his stomach hurt.

But he could handle it. He could handle any damned thing in the world. Bullet, pain, whatever.

Just not…

He swallowed, getting that hazy, distant fog in his mind.

Leo's hand smoothed down his cheek, slow and gentle and cool. Grounding. Not enough to keep him awake, but enough to let his eyes open and focus a last time.

Leo was watching him, eyes sad and serious. "I'm sorry," he said, voice low. "I didn't realize how…"

"Don't." Raph shut his eyes again, willing sleep to come so he wouldn't have to hurt. His mind wouldn't let him let go of the words, though. Insistent, conditioned to deny. "Don't love you."

Leo nodded. "I hear you, Raph."

Raph felt darkness swimming over him. But before he was out entirely he heard a murmur, so distant it might have been real or it might have been his mind. Either way, it sounded like Leo.

"But I can always tell when you're lying."


	5. Chapter 5

Don and Mike looked up from the papers spread over the table when he came in.

"Hey, Leo." Mike smiled, faint and subdued. "How's he doing?"

"Woke up for a minute earlier," Leo said slowly. His eyes went to Don. He hesitated. "The medication's bothering him. I don't think he likes being drugged up so much. Maybe a weaker dose?"

Don sighed. "A weaker dose may not do much for the pain, but I'll try it."

Leo sat down across from them, stretching out his arms. It was his idea, his pleasure, to be silent guardian at Raph's bedside. But even guardians got muscle cramps. "If you don't he'll find ways not to take them. You know Raph."

"Mmm." Don smiled.

Leo hesitated. "What're you guys doing?"

Their eyes went to the papers, and the two of them heaved matching sighs. "Research. Just in case."

"Yeah?" Leo lifted one of the pages - computer printouts - and frowned. Anatomy. A cross-cut drawing of a turtle. "In case of what?"

"I want to know what that bullet might have hurt. I'm trying to compare charts of turtle physiology with human, since I have no doubt we're as much a cross inside as we are out." Don took the chart from Leo, frowning at it though Leo had no doubt he could've shut his eyes and seen the thing in his head by then. "I doubt our organs are as compressed as a natural turtle." He traced his finger over a tag pointing to the turtle's spine set in the carapace. "Raph's lucky he's not paralyzed from the waist-down. I don't think the bullet went in far enough, but it was in a good spot to do some damage."

Leo's eyes widened and he looked at the chart upside down across the table. "So what's there to worry about now? What's this 'just in case' talk?"

"Well." Don glanced at Mikey. "A lot of the problem is Raph. A wound like this will take time to heal. I have no idea what kind of internal damage he suffered, and…I'll tell you what I'm most worried about. When the bullet smashed into his plastron--" Don slapped his hand over his own gut.

Leo jumped.

"--it split. Fragmented. I think a few of those fragments might've worked their way in. If so…we can't have him moving around too soon, or they could shift and pierce an organ or an artery."

Mike hummed. "But Raph's Raph."

Leo nodded. "And he's gonna fight to move the minute he's--"

A sound from Leo's room. A thud.

Leo was up and tearing across the living room, at the door in a flash. He threw it open and bolted to the bedside. "Raph? Are you alright?"

Raph was in a heap, flat on his face beside the bed. He groaned and grabbed for the bed, looking like he was trying to push himself up.

"Stop! Don't move!" Leo grabbed him, careful not to touch him around the wound. "Don? Mike?"

Raph was tense, but bore their touch as if he was bearing some kind of torture. They got him up on the bed and on his back, as careful as they could move him.

Leo waited until he was settled. "Are you insane? What the hell are you doing?"

Raph sprawled on his back, breathing hard. "Ow."

Don stood beside Leo, looking hard at their injured brother. "I know you didn't just roll off the bed. What happened?"

Raph ground his teeth. "Gotta piss."

Leo sighed. "I don't remember short-term memory loss being a side-effect of being shot, so I know you remember how badly you're hurt."

Raph nodded without argument. Sweat made his face damp, his skin unhealthy and washed out. "Yeah. Thanks"

"Jesus, could you guys maybe save the lecture until he's not writhing in agony?" Mike moved around the bed to Raph's other side, reaching a hand for his brother. "You okay? You tear anything, or…?"

"Fine. Gotta fucking…gotta piss, Mike." Raph drew in a harsh breath.

"Yeah. It's cool. Uh…you know. Feel free."

Raph opened one eye and stared at Mike. "Y'r kidding."

Mike grinned. "We've been changing those sheets twice a day for a week now. No worries, bro."

Leo held his breath.

Raph's eyes widened. He looked over at Don and Leo, a dangerous glint in his eyes that had nothing to do with pain or sickness. "What?"

Don sighed. "Really, Raph. What did you think? You're not going to be safe to move for a while, as you've just figured out for yourself, and--"

Raph sat up.

Leo was ready. He clamped his hands on Raph's shoulder and shoved him down. A bit rough, maybe, but it wasn't be nearly as bad for him as Raph would be for himself. "Stay down!"

Raph made a small noise, a grunt of pain that was probably the most they'd ever hear out of him, no matter how much he was hurting.

Leo leaned over him, pressing him to the bed. "Unless you want us drugging you in a way you can't just spit out, you damn well better listen to us."

Raph looked up at him, just inches from his face. He met his eyes, drew in a breath, and spoke the clearest words he'd said since waking up. "Get out."

Leo didn't move.

Raph's eyes shut. "All of you. Get the hell out."

Only when the body under his hands relaxed did Leo let him go and straighten up. He glanced at Don. "Well, doc?"

Don frowned. "Raph, you can't try to move. Not yet. There's a lot we're still worried about--"

"Out."

"Come on, bro." Mike reached out and touched his arm. "They're right. You could still get--"

"Out. Now. All of you."

Leo swallowed, reaching out for Mike. "Come on."

Mike hesitated. "But--"

"Mikey." Leo nodded to the door.

Mike's hand slipping off of Raph and he sighed. "This is great. Just great. This is what we get after nearly watching you die. Real considerate, bro." He pushed away from the bed and stalked to the door. In the doorway he hesitated, as if hoping Raph would offer some apology. When it didn't come he pushed out.

Leo and Don exchanged glances. Leo nudged his arm and they left Raph on his own on the bed.

Mike was sitting on the couch, arms folded, the very picture of petulance.

Leo came and sat beside him. "Mike."

"Well, I don't care. He's rude. He doesn't realize how much--"

"Mike, he's about to piss himself and he doesn't want witnesses."

Mike's mouth clamped shut. He looked back at the doorway. "But it's been days. We've seen…"

"He hasn't seen us see." Leo patted his arm. "Just give him a few minutes."

"I can find something. Maybe get April to pick up a bedpan at some medical supply store, or…" Don sighed. His hands were shaking a little as he dropped on the chair beside the couch. "He's already getting up. I thought we'd have a few days at least."

"Sneaking him medication may not be a bad idea," Leo said quietly.

Mike frowned. "He'd be furious."

"He'd be safer."

"My sons."

Leo jumped, and they turned at the soft, gruff voice.

Splinter stood behind them, and looked like he'd been there a while. "Let's try to reason with Raphael before we break his trust."

Leo sat back, digging the wide heels of his hands into his eyes. Maybe he was tired. The vigil and the emotions and everything sneaking up on him, maybe.

Splinter moved past the couch, heading for Leo's door. "I will tend Raphael for now."

"Sensei, you might want to give him some time."

Splinter glanced back. "He will suffer me to help."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course." Splinter looked at the three of them, and smiled in faint understanding. "I'm not one of his brothers."

Leo watched him enter his bedroom, and he slumped back on the couch. "Raph's going to kill himself, isn't it?"

"It's possible. But we have lots of chains and bindings if worse comes to worst."

He shot a frown at Mike.

Mike shrugged, tired but trying. He gave a crooked smile.

Leo sat up. "Hey. Um. Don…can I talk to you for a minute."

Don's brow furrowed. "About what?"

"Uh." He glanced at Mike. "What you told me. About…things."

Mike rolled his eyes. "About Raph being hot for him, Don."

Leo's mouth dropped open.

Don chuckled quietly. "You're the last to know, Leo."

He wasn't sure he appreciated that sentiment in the slightest. He studied Mike, wondering…

Mike leaned over and nudged his arm. "Relax, bro. If I was jealous it's gone away."

Leo blinked.

Don snorted. "Jealous of which one?"

Mike grinned. "Unlike the two of them, I can keep feelings to myself."

"Oh my God. Mike's the mature one. When did that happen?" Don glanced at Leo, a version of a smile on his face.

Mike chuckled. "Now, what'd you wanna talk about?"

Leo hesitated but slumped back, half-listening for any kinds of noises from his room. "It's Raph."

"Uh huh?"

"It's _Raph_. He…" He waved his hand in the direction of his door. "He considers it a foul invasion of privacy if we ask where he's going at night. He's…he's stubborn, and he won't ever admit how he feels about anything, and…he almost killed himself just now rather than ask us for help going to the bathroom. He told me earlier that he doesn't feel any way at all about me."

"That's Raph alright." Mike smiled, more gentle than his usual grins. "Which part's a surprise for you?"

Leo glared at him, annoyed. "None of it. It's just…"

"Just what, Leo? You knew what you'd be getting into with Raph."

Leo sighed. "I know. I just have no idea how to go about…"

Don nodded. "It's a good question."

"What? How does someone seduce a testosterone-crammed psycho with an attitude problem?" Mike laughed. He stood up and stretched himself out, glancing at Leo's door and away again fast. There was still something shadowed in his face, despite his grins. "That's your problem, oh great leader." He clapped Leo on the head as he passed, heading for his own room.

Leo looked after him with a sigh. His problem. Great.

Don spoke after a moment, drawing his eyes. "Leo." He smiled, soft and sincere. "You're confident in yourself. You know what you are. Raph knows too, and that's who he's cared about all these years."

Hard to remember that sometimes, when all Leo had to go by was a lifetime of arguments and tearing each other down.

Don smiled, as if he was reading Leo's mind. "You remember how hard he campaigned to get the katanas? How much he raved about them? He knows what they are - they're beautiful, deadly. But he talked us into thinking he hated them once they were yours. Suddenly they were too big, too clumsy. Still, in his heart I'll bet Raph still remembers how much he loved them." He met Leo's eyes. "Sometimes if you deny something hard enough and long enough you come to believe in the denial. But the truth always outs."

Leo shook his head, watching Don stand and move to go back to his research at the table. "I don't know…"

Don looked back. "Yeah you do. Just…show him the blade is still as beautiful as the one he used to want so badly."

Leo opened his mouth. Shut it. Sat back.

He sat thinking that over for a good long time.

* * *

Raph shut his eyes, refusing to think. Refusing to even be there in that room, on that bed, with that poker in his gut.

He tried to let his mind carry him away. A rooftop looking over central park, maybe, or off with Casey chasing down some punks. His imagination had never been anything too impressive, unfortunately, and when he thought of anything else his mind brought him back to Leo.

Maybe he dreamed that whole conversation. It was possible. Leo wasn't exactly Mr. Confrontation about feelings, was he?

Then again, he'd only been talking about Raph's feelings. Not his own.

No. Not Raph's feelings. Maybe once upon a time, but those days were over. He'd been a stupid kid. A teenager, struck by some weird notion that hung around for way too long, but then left. Went away.

Gone. Not a factor in his life anymore.

Not his life. He snorted, harsh. No, his life was suddenly a bed and pain and damp sheets.

"Raphael."

He opened his eyes, anger bursting bright and hot inside him instantly. "I told you…"

Splinter stood in the doorway.

Raph looked away, grimacing.

Splinter moved in, shutting the door and coming to the bed. "You've upset your brothers."

Raph snorted. "They returned the favor."

"I will change your sheets."

He flushed hot and stared at the ceiling. "I…no."

"Raphael, I raised you and your brothers from infancy. If you think this is the first time I have changed wet sheets you are very much mistaken."

Raph didn't argue.

Splinter came up and began a slow, practiced stripping of the sheets under Raph.

His father was quiet, which was a good thing. Raph wasn't sure he could have managed to reply. Heat burned bright in his face, and the tension did nothing to help the ache in his gut.

Splinter touched him only to lean him to one side and then the other, to remove the sheet from under him.

"It's not supposed to be like this," Raph heard himself saying. Bitterness was so thick in his voice it made his words waver.

"Like what?"

Raph gritted his teeth, not taking his eyes off the ceiling. "I can handle pain and pills and that kind of crap. It's not…"

Splinter appeared above him, looking down with dark, understanding eyes.

Raph looked away, dropping his head to the side. "It's not supposed to be humiliating."

A furred hand came to rest on his arm. "Raphael. What you suffer through you did to protect Leonardo. Do you think your brothers or I would ever judge you for the side effects of that?"

Leo. He shut his eyes. "I know you say pride is a bad thing, but sometimes I don't have a lot more than pride, you know?"

"You have family. Unwavering devotion."

Raph shook his head. His eyes felt stinging and hot, but he shut his lids and didn't think about it.


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's Note - To all you lovely I-don't-usually-read-slash-BUT reviewers, I want to say thanks. I know how hard it is for me to read something outside my comfort zone, so I really do appreciate that you're giving this a go. _

_I dunno what else to say. I feel like my saying thanks for the reviews and support is getting monotonous, but there's not many better ways to express it. I'd make you all dinner if I could, or send flowers, or something. _

_In other words, thanks.  
_

* * *

When Raph opened his eyes, Don was sitting in the chair he had started thinking of as Leo's. He blinked, squinting - Don wasn't wearing his eyeband, but of course Raph knew his brothers with or without them.

But his vision was swimming, and when he tried to lift his head he felt oddly heavy.

"Raph?" Don's voice came as if from a distance.

Raph tried to glower in response, but he couldn't really feel his face, so he had no idea what effect the look had. "G'me pills."

Don nodded. "Half the dose. How are you feeling?"

Raph took a second to figure that out. His stomach was on fire - no surprise there. But though there was pain he wasn't really bothered by it. He could think, even if he couldn't talk much or move when he told his body to move.

Better, he thought, but not good enough.

"Fuzzy," he said to Don, slurring his words a little bit more than he would have naturally. "Less next time?"

Don frowned. "None of us want to see you in pain, Raph."

Raph's eyes felt heavy. He shut them, though nothing like sleep came over him. "Don't care about the pain," he said slowly. "Wanna keep it together."

"Unfortunately it's not the pain of your wound I'm talking about."

Raph's eyes opened at that.

Don leaned in close, coming into focus for Raph's tired eyes. "Listen. There's an ugly reality to getting hurt the way you did."

Raph would have laughed if he could have summoned up the energy. Didn't he know that already?

Don spoke solemnly. "The way we are, anatomically. I can't just stick a bedpan under you. Your shell gets in the way, and hurt as you are…" He cleared his throat, obviously trying to stay as professional and neutral as possible. "Our…you know. Our organs don't just hang exposed like humans. There's no real way to make sure you don't…"

Raph shut his eyes. "I get it, Don." Maybe the medicine was a good idea after all.

No. Never a good idea.

Don's hand appeared as warm weight on his arm. "Listen, Raph, I know you're proud, but you should know none of us care if we have to change sheets, or…or I could make some kind of diaper, or…"

Raph's eyes snapped open again.

Don smiled faintly. "Yeah, I figured you'd say that." He sighed. "If I had equipment I'd be able to rig up a catheter or something, but I don't. Things are how they are, and we have to deal with what is." He studied Raph, more brother than medic in that his eyes were unsure, his expression sad. "There are other realities we have to deal with. You're not going to be getting up anytime soon."

Raph frowned. Yes. He would. He'd be getting up before Don realized. He just wasn't about to tell Don that. Let them think he was going to be bedridden for weeks. He'd show them how much they were underestimating him.

Still, if those were the issues for now, he'd have to deal with them. He grimaced, unable to meet Don's eyes. "Must've ruined Leo's bed already."

"No. We put one of the dojo mats over the mattress. Plastic." Don shrugged.

Humiliating. Raph shut his eyes, letting the fact that he was medicated work to his advantage. He felt wide awake, angry, embarrassed. But if Don thought he was more out of it than that maybe he'd be nice enough to leave Raph to his pain.

"Raph. I know you don't like the pills, but if they'll make it easier on you…"

"No."

"If you're just going to endanger yourself by trying to move, I don't have much choice."

Blackmail, then. Raph's face hardened, but he made a conscious attempt to relax. "I'll behave."

Don laughed, soft. "You never behave."

"No pills, Don. Not so many that I…I can't…" He swallowed, throat dry.

Don patted his arm. "It's not like a fever state, Raph. I know you feel out of it, but you won't…"

Raph looked at him again, eyes sharp.

Don shrugged. "Uh. You won't say…"

He swallowed again, and his voice was raspy when he spoke. "What'd you tell him?"

Don leaned over, and came back with a glass of water and a straw. "Here. Drink."

Raph eyed the glass, despite his body calling out for the water.

Don smiled. "It's not dosed."

He drank, the water cool down his throat like balm on a scraped wound. He would've groaned in pleasure if his mouth hadn't been occupied.

"Slow." Don pulled the glass away too soon. At Raph's glare he smiled. "Take a minute. Pills can make you nauseated."

Raph lay back.

Don spoke after a moment. "I didn't say anything to Leo. Nothing specific."

_Specific_. There it was. Good as a confession.

Raph looked away from him, not even looking back to ask for water. "Shouldn't've said anything at all."

Don sighed. "Raph. You realize…"

"What?"

"You could be happy if you'd let yourself."

"No."

"You very nearly died. Doesn't that make you even consider…"

"No."

Hand on his arm again, stroking back and forth, and Raph didn't have the energy to pull away. "You should give him a chance. You could be happy."

"That's the problem, Don." Raph shut his eyes, head turned away from his brother. "I won't be happy, 'cause that's not who I am. And that's just the damned problem."

"What do you mean?"

"You're the big mouth." Raph swallowed, feeling something warm in his gut that for once had nothing to do with his wound. "Ask Mike."

"Mike?" Don sounded genuinely surprised. "What does Mike…?"

But Raph was done talking. He kept his eyes shut, laying still and quiet.

After a few minutes, Don left.

* * *

The idea that Raph thought of him the way he thought of the katana was an interesting one. 

Or maybe interesting wasn't the right word. Whatever it was, Leo couldn't get it out of his head. He left Raph to Don's vigil, and he took to the dojo to exercise muscles he hadn't worked since the shooting. And he thought about it the whole time, unable to clear his mind.

He went through katas, smooth, easy, one after the other. His body knew the movements so well he didn't have to find his center - it was automatic. He didn't have to check the sweep of an arm or leg, because he knew it would be perfect.

There was a lot of truth to what Don said. They all knew Raph had campaigned for the katana. When Splinter told them they'd soon be given just one weapon to master, they all found their favorites. The sai weren't on any of their lists, because the small defensive blades had been used now and then but hardly habitually. They were almost like shuriken or dagger, kept on the belt, used only when needed. Mike and Don made their choices, and they ended up with the ones they picked. But with Raph and Leo both going after the katana, Splinter had a choice to make.

When he told them his decision, he spoke of Leo's constant struggle for perfection in form and balance, and how such things were vital to a swordsman. He spoke of Raph's tendency to break form the moment his emotions became too strong, and rightly called that a flaw that could be fatal.

Raph looked at the sai as a consolation prize. For the rest of that day he fumed, he refused to speak to anyone. He would have left the lair if Splinter hadn't strictly refused it. He hit the heavy bag in the dojo, he refused dinner.

Grade A sulking, Leo had called it, exasperated and smug.

But it was only for that day. The next day Raph woke up, walked into the dojo, and picked up the sai. The first lesson he wanted to be taught?

How to disarm a swordsman.

If they were consolation prizes Raph refused to look at them that way after the first day. He soon began taunting, calling the katana oversized steak knives, sparring against Leo every chance he got so he could trap the blades in his small sai. He disarmed Leo an endless number of times before Leo figured out how to predict and compensate.

In a way they were perfectly matched as sparring partners, for more than just the weapons. Raph was a foil for Leo, for his obsession with keeping up form, with making every sweep of sword textbook perfect. Raph cared little for form. He would jump when all reason said he should drop. Leo had to learn to battle an unpredictable foe, and that lesson was one of the ones that served him best now, fighting all elements of criminals in the city.

Raph on the other hand had trouble fighting against Leo because he was so perfect. Because his form was always considered, he never got overbalanced. He never let a fake move or a sweeping blow knock him off balance. None of Leo's strikes ever went wild. And when one move failed, where Raph would've had to wait for a new strategy to hit him, Leo's mind always offered an alternative. Always a next move.

Leo couldn't honestly say if he'd ever appreciated how much Raph had helped him develop. He had never realized how good for each other they truly were. Even out of the dojo: Leo's forcefulness gave Raph what little sense of discipline he had, and Raph's constant challenges drove Leo to be a better leader.

The dojo had a small set of mirrors on one side - a reasonably new, vital acquisition. April had gotten them at Splinter's request a couple of years ago, and being able to watch their form for themselves had been a blessing for the turtles.

Leo in particular liked to fight into the mirror, to watch that his posture and position was like those he saw on Splinter, or on the pages of books Splinter taught from.

As Leo began his weapons katas he watched himself in the mirror, and Don's words came back to him once again.

Beautiful blade, Don called the swords. In essence, called Leo.

Leo admitted to his share of egotism, but he thought he could be forgiven for agreeing with Don. He did have a grace in his movements - grace that was hard won through years of careful training. Not natural, not in their mutated, broad animal bodies. But he was graceful when he moved, when he swept his swords up and slashed them down. When he spun and jabbed sideways, so perfectly level he could have balanced an egg on the blade.

Don was right, too, that Leo had confidence in himself. He knew he was the best leader out of his brothers - he never would have asked for the position if he hadn't known that. He knew he moved the best, fought the best. It was he who defeated the Shredder, on his own.

When it came to the art of ninjitsu, Leo was a level above his brothers. He could see it in the mirror, and their father had told him. He wasn't sure if it was ego that convinced him of it - after all, he could identify points in each of his brothers where they exceeded him. In speed, for Mike, or quick thinking in battle, for Don. Sheer impassioned strength from Raph. They were each brilliant in their own ways.

But Leo, in the elements he considered most important, was better.

Beautiful he wasn't sure about. He did move beautifully - he moved as he should, after all, and nothing was as beautiful as perfection.

Of course he wasn't much like a blade - he was broad and bulky, and of course they had nature to contend with. Shells were really the worst things a true ninja could be saddled with. He could move, perhaps, somewhat like a blade. Quick, sweeping. He could cut in and out, dart and leap and curl.

He knew himself, and what he was capable of. He had to: any good fighter knew their strengths and weaknesses backwards and forwards.

But it had never occurred to him that someone like Raph, someone so opposite in what he held important, could see his slender, graceful positioning as beautiful.

It seemed strange to think his brother capable of that kind of wanting. Raph kept little to himself - secrets he held, yes, but emotions? He broadcasted like a television. He couldn't hide resentment or anger if he'd tried, and he never even wanted to try.

Sour grapes.

He didn't hide his emotions, he simply bullied them into changing. Love to hate, want to contempt. Admiration to scorn.

Leo had met his brother's eyes and heard him say, flat out, that he didn't love Leo. He hadn't believed it for a second, and he wouldn't now. Raph loved him, and maybe it was right and fitting that he should. Like perfect sparring partners, maybe they were perfectly matched in all ways.

How, Leo had been wondering, did one go about seducing someone like Raph? Especially when Raph seemed unwilling?

But he watched himself in the mirror, running through his weapons katas, and he didn't let those thoughts become worries.

He was Leonardo. He was sword, and grace. He was ninja. He was worthy of that love. He would get it.

* * *

Don found Mike in front of the computer in Don's own bedroom, chin in his hand, elbow on the desk. Face close to the screen, obviously reading something carefully. 

Don cleared his throat. "Didn't break it yet, did you?"

"Nope." The answer sounded cheerful enough, though Mike's eyes didn't move. "And I'll have you know that what you so casually call 'breaking' are actually total improvements that you're just not smart enough to understand."

"Yeah. I'm fully prepared to believe that." Don came up.

Mike glanced back, gave him a grin, and went back to reading. "Liar."

"Yeah, kinda." Don leaned over his shoulder. "What is this?"

"Death."

Don drew back, looking at Mike's profile. "What?"

He shrugged. "Some website's got all these stories about people who died and came back. White lights and tunnels and everything."

"Mikey…"

Mike glanced over.

Don hesitated. His own fault, he thought. He hadn't taken the time to realize that Raph wasn't the only one hurt in the shooting. The only one lying in bed, but trauma didn't restrict itself to the body.

He lay a hand on Mike's shoulder before moving back to his bed to sit. "Anything interesting?"

"No turtles yet, but I'm sure any time now someone'll've seen one."

Don smiled sadly. "I think you'll be disappointed." He rubbed his eyes, slumping back against the headboard. "Humans are a little…xenophobic, when it comes to their afterlives."

"Xeno who now?"

"Maybe just monochromatic." Don smiled to himself wryly. "I mean…humans' ideas of heaven are opening their eyes and seeing a whole world of white clothes and music and people who look just like them, and believe just like them, everywhere."

Mike made a face. "Sounds boring."

"Yep."

He smiled faintly. "So is it the same for us? We get a heaven with creatures just like us?"

Don shrugged.

Mike laughed. "It'd be us four and Splinter and Leatherhead all sitting in a room staring at each other."

Don chuckled, but didn't answer. He didn't think much about it. He preferred Splinter's ideas. Splinter, though he raised them all as ninja, gave them room to form their own spiritual beliefs. Some he taught - that all spirits were connected, that life was in everything. But his personal beliefs, reincarnation, eventual enlightenment, he taught as one possible option for them to believe in.

Don believed. He couldn't see any other alternative. Nothing he'd read in human faiths allowed for mutant turtles to be part of any afterlife.

No, he liked to think that when they died they would return, not remembering this life at all but retaining some of the lessons learned. That much closer to a real kind of enlightenment.

Mike pushed away from the desk. "Eh. Who wants to sit around on a cloud wearing white?" He turned in the chair, regarding Don. "How's Raph?"

"Not bad. I think there's a chance he might behave. Until he forgets everything I said, anyway." He met Mike's eyes, smiled reassuringly. "We won't let him hurt himself."

"Nah. Course not." Mike grinned.

Don studied him. "You can be scared, you know."

Mike blinked, his smile fading a bit, but he drew a breath and shrugged. "Yeah. And I am. But that's not all I am. Just…you might think I'm thick or something, but I guess it never really hit me before now that we could just…you know? Just, boom, and then one of us isn't here anymore."

Don nodded. "I know."

"You're the one I feel bad for."

"Me?"

Mike nodded, standing up and stretching like he'd been there for a while. "Because I know you. If Raph had died you wouldn't have blamed a bullet or a Purple Dragon. You'd have blamed yourself, even though you have no right to expect yourself to know how to deal with a gunshot wound."

Don drew his legs up to his plastron, giving Mike room to come over and sit. "Maybe. But it wouldn't have been worse than Leo blaming himself for being the target of the shot. Or you. Don't tell me you wouldn't have found a way to convince yourself you could have run across the alley and taken that bullet yourself."

Mike grinned, wry. "We're all pretty predictable I guess."

"Yeah. But that's how it should be. If we didn't go out there thinking we could protect each other we wouldn't be much of a team."

"Just sucks. Something eventually is going to…" He trailed off.

Don nodded, but didn't answer.

Mike being Mike, he shook the thought away and smiled. "You tired? I suppose I could find something on TV, or…"

"No, actually. I wanted to talk to you."

"Yeah?"

Don hesitated. He wasn't much for probing into deep personal matters. He watched a lot, and saw a lot that his brothers didn't seem to see. But talking he wasn't so good at. Not when it wasn't a fact he was confident in.

But his brothers and their health were important enough, he figured, and at least this was Mike. It was really hard to feel awkward around Mike.

"Raph said something…"

Mike's expression changed just like that, closed in a little.

Don went on. "He says he's not happy and he won't be, and I should ask you about it."

Mike made a face, looking away from Don. For a few moments they sat, quiet, and the words hung there between them.

Don didn't press. Mike sometimes liked to take time to form words - he would blather away for hours about everything, but when the words were most important he liked to make sure they were the right words.

"You know Raph and me've always been pals."

Don nodded.

Mike sighed. "Well. I mean, we were teenagers, right? And Raph's kinda…cynical."

Understatement. Don smiled faintly.

Mike returned the smile. "And he talked a lot back then about how we'd never know what love, or sex, or anything like that felt like. Because of what we are." He shrugged. "And I started thinking of him and sex together, and I guess I got this…" He grinned, rueful. "A crush. And me and Raph tell each other everything, so I told him. I said, why should we never know what it's like when we've got each other? I thought…no, I guess I _still_ think that we could've made it work. We get along, and we love each other, and I…I don't know if he felt it, but." He shot Don a look.

Don smiled in understanding. "He turned you on."

Mike grinned. "Yep. We even…a couple of times…"

Don waited, eyes wide.

"Nothing like real sex, you know? Just touching and all. It was nice, and for a while I thought it would work. But he said…one day, he said we had to stop. And when I asked why he said because he wasn't what I wanted. He wasn't good for me."

He sighed. "A few times when he and Leo would argue I'd come in late at night and try to cheer him up, and when it didn't work…it hurt me, you know? And he knew that. He said I needed someone who smiled more. Someone happier."

Don nodded slowly.

Mike slouched back, leaning on his palms. "Because I like making everyone cheery. That's what makes _me_ happy, you know? And he didn't cheer up very much. He said I'd start resenting him for not laughing at my jokes. That I thought love might make him happier, but he couldn't change who he was."

He stopped, sighed. "He said a lot of things. I was mad for…eh, you know me. For a couple of days. But he was still my best pal, and things weren't that much different without all the touching. And when I think about it now…maybe he's right. I think I would have expected that me and my sunshiney self would've made him a happier guy, and it would have upset me that he didn't change."

Don frowned. That must've been a shadow on Raph's mind for a while, then. The idea that he'd have to become someone else if he let someone close.

Maybe it was ridiculous, but maybe it wasn't. Raph's personality was dark, and intense. When he was upset he didn't just sulk or fume. He exploded. It wouldn't have been a fit for Mikey. Mike would've been affected by it. Don would be affected by it.

Leo? He frowned, thinking.

"Think I should talk to him?" Mike asked suddenly, as if reading his mind. "Leo, I mean. If he's serious about this, he should know…he shouldn't expect Raph to change."

Don shook his head. "Nah. If they're right for each other this way…it'll work out. Leo will know. If he expects something else, then they're not right."

Mike nodded, a little flash of regret in his eyes. "Think maybe he is right for Raph?"

Don answered that easily. "If any one of us can be, it's Leo."


	7. Chapter 7

The smile on Mike's face was entirely incongruous with the objects in his hand. "Hey, bro!"

Raph only had to eye the towels slung over his shoulder, and the sloshing bucket and sponge, and he was able to answer Mike's cheery greeting with his own perky, "Get the hell out of here with that. Now."

Mike moved to the bed, smile not losing a centimeter. "Don says a bunch of medical stuff, and Leo says a bunch of hygiene-ish things, and what it boils down to is you're gonna have to suffer through a bath."

"Fine. Leave it here, I'll do it myself."

Mike hesitated. "Uh. Not to add to what must be a bad time for you, but. No can do. You can't reach the most important bits."

"Unless you want to lose a hand, I wouldn't come at me with that sponge."

Mike sighed. "Look, Raph."

Raph looked away from him, wishing he could at least be sat upright so he could cross his arms or turn away or do something a little more impressive than turning his head.

Mike's weight made the bed creak, and Raph reluctantly looked back at his brother.

The sponge was safely in the bucket, and Mike sat looking out at the room. Despite his earlier grins his shoulders were slumped, which wasn't like him.

Raph frowned, a needle of guilt poking at him. "You guys gotta leave me some shot at retaining some kind of dignity, you know?"

Mike shook his head. "So you can die proud? No. We'd rather have you alive and embarrassed."

"I don't get any say in this?"

"Raph, we've been doing it for…" Mike shut his mouth tightly.

Raph's eyes shut, then opened slowly. "You've been giving me baths?"

"You've been lying down for…what, like two weeks now? Of course we have. Don says you could get bedsores, and that…uh. You know. Pee. It's bad." He shrugged, awkward.

"I'm not in a coma here. When's the last time…?"

"You sleep pretty hard on those pills. Come on, Raph, what did you think? We'd leave you laying all gross and dirty?"

"I think I need to have some words with my brothers."

Mike's gaze stayed on the wall. Leo's wall, so it was bare and plain. Nothing there to draw focus, but Mike studied it like it was fascinating.

When he answered, though, his voice was suddenly low. "You almost died."

Raph frowned at his brother's profile. "Yeah, they keep reminding me." Don when he tried to shove pills down Raph's throat. Leo when…

Actually, Leo hadn't come by in a couple of days.

He pushed that thought away fast.

Which wasn't hard when Mike spoke again. "I don't think you get it, Raph. You remember where we were? We were off 123rd when we found those guys. You know how far that is?"

Raph hesitated, wishing Mike would at least look at him.

"Leo and Don carried you back. I went ahead, making sure the path was clear, and I kept thinking…I kept thinking you'd die before we even got home, and I wouldn't have seen it. I wouldn't've been there."

Raph reached out, laying a hand on Mike's arm hesitantly. "Hey. It's okay, you know? Takes more than a Purple Dragon to--"

"I know they've told you how bad it was. But you don't get it. I was in the kitchen getting water and Splinter came in to heat the sai over the stove, and…and you should've seen him. His hands were shaking so bad I thought he was gonna burn himself."

Raph's mouth shut. His head dropped back. He couldn't even picture that. Splinter was old, maybe, but he rarely let it show. He never shook.

"We were all freaked out, Raph. So bad. I mean…Don was the last one to show it, 'cause he was taking care of you. But Leo…you wouldn't have recognized him. He was wild."

Raph looked up at the ceiling, away from Mike. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what Leo had been like. He was happy thinking Leo had been calm and in charge and unattached.

"We're not ready," Mike said. He finally turned his head - Raph could feel his eyes, though he didn't return the look. "We found that out the hard way. We're not ready to lose someone. And we could still lose you."

Raph felt the motion, caught it out of the corner of his eye, as Mike's hand lifted to scrub over his face. He didn't look. He didn't want to see.

"And if you don't get cleaned up, you're going to get sores and infections and you could die from those. I know it's awful and you hate it, but we've _been_ doing it and we can't _not_ do it. And that's all there is to it, okay?"

Raph's throat worked. He looked away from Mike, his hands squeezing into fists. "I don't…"

Mike waited.

Fucking Mike And his fucking guilt trips. He was the worst one out of all of them when it came to guilt, because he was always so damned sincere. Innocent. Mike was all wide-eyes, nothing hidden. He showed everything, and it was a hundred times worse than Leo's worst lectures.

Raph let out a breath. "Not you."

Mike tensed so sharply Raph could actually feel it.

He spoke fast. "Not 'cause…I mean, hell, Mikey. You know I trust you."

Mike scrubbed his face again. "It's not like I haven't already seen everything you've got, Raph."

Raph smiled faintly. He reached for Mike's hand, touching just briefly. "That's the thing. I don't…" He sighed. "I don't want the way you look at me to change."

"It wouldn't!" Surprise made Mike turn more towards him.

Raph met his eyes. "Having to scrub my beat-up ass isn't gonna drown out all those old memories?"

Mike hesitated.

Raph squeezed his hand. "You can't hide anything, Mike. That's not how you are. Just…please? Give me something that'll stay the same."

"Okay." Mike drew in a breath and sighed it slowly out. "Okay. I don't have to. But someone does."

Raph nodded. Splinter, maybe, or Don. Don was practically his doctor, he'd be removed, right?

"I'll do it."

They both turned to the door.

Leo stood in the doorway, shoulder leaning against the wall. He was watching them, arms folded over his chest.

Raph looked away from him and back at Mikey. For a moment he wanted to ask Mike to get Don instead, but when he spoke he said, "Go on, Mikey. Come see me after. Might need you and you dumb jokes and all."

Leo moved into the room.

Mike nodded, reaching out and squeezing his hand. "You're our hero, you know that?"

Raph's attention had been going back to Leo, but he caught on those words. He met Mike's eyes, and for a moment he just stared. Something fluttered in his chest, and he opened his mouth and shut it again.

Mike could say something to rock him as casually as he'd say good morning.

Mike leaned in and touched his mouth to Raph's temple. "Be tough."

"Yeah." Raph's voice was gravel. He cleared his throat, his eyes hot. "Yeah, thanks."

Mike stood up and went to the door. He handed the bucket and towels to Leo as he passed, and spoke something so low Raph couldn't hear it.

Leo nodded and didn't watch him go. He stood where he was, bucket in his hand, and studied Raph.

Raph swallowed, feeling exposed after Mikey's concern and lack of judgment. Leo was Mike's opposite, especially in how he thought of Raph. And Raph wasn't sure he could deal with it.

But he wasn't sure he wanted to put Don through having to bathe him and deal with whatever would inevitably come of it. Raph knew himself, and his attitude. This wouldn't be easy for anyone involved.

But Leo…

It was funny. Leo was his brother. He'd always been there. He'd already seen Raph in his worst kinds of moments. He'd seen Raph sick, hurt, drunk, hung over. Seen him in the worst moods ever. Hell, Leo had cleaned up his puke and bandaged his wounds.

Leo was his brother.

It was strange, and not in a good way, that he suddenly found himself wondering if he could trust Leo to keep being his brother.

He could believe, now that he was mostly free of medication, that lying in an alley thinking he would die he might've actually said the words to Leo. Those three stupid words. That stupid feeling he carried around with him for so long it was just another long-term resentment: they would never be human, they would never be normal. They would never be thanked for risking themselves. Leo would never think of him as more than an overheated rebel asshole.

Those things were a part of him, and had been for so long he didn't even think about them anymore. He accepted them as givens.

But maybe if he'd thought he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences, maybe that one resentment had come up. Maybe Leo had been there, and Raph had been too selfish to die without ever making Leo face what he felt.

Now he was alive, and Leo knew. And there he was, holding a bucket ready to give him a frigging sponge bath.

Raph could have asked for Don or Splinter. Leo was in charge when it came to training and fights, but he couldn't order Raph to accept this if he didn't want it.

But part of Raph, the scared part that was at the mercy of three stupid words, wanted to know if everything had changed. If they could still be brothers, along with being…whatever else those words had morphed them into. That even though any denial he gave that he didn't mean it, he was delirious, whatever, would ring falso to both of them, maybe Leo wouldn't hold it over him even during times like this.

He looked away from Leo after a moment, teeth gritting. "This is bad enough without you drawing it out."

He heard the nearly inaudible sound of Leo's feet padding across the floor. A shadow fell over the bed, and Raph swallowed.

Leo's weight dipped the bed in the same spot Mike had.

Raph kept his eyes stubbornly upward. "So how's this work?"

"It's a sponge and water, Raph. How do you think--"

"Now's not the time to be a smart-ass, Leo." His voice was sharper than he'd intended.

There was a pause. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Surprise almost made him look, but his will won out.

"Just be still and let me…" He took up a towel from the cluster on his shoulder. He stood to lay the towel on the mattress. Slowly he leaned in, hands finding Raph's shell. "Don't tense. I just have to move you enough to get this under you."

Don't tense. Jesus. Raph shut his eyes and let himself be pushed. Hell, Leo was so slow and cautious about it he might not've even realized what was going on.

Leo moved around the bed, putting towels under his legs and on his other side. He moved like he had some practice.

Like he'd done it before.

Raph grimaced and tried not to imagine his brothers doing this to him while he was out of it.

Leo moved back to his other side and sat again. "You okay?"

He didn't bother answering. He hated stupid questions.

"We'll just take it one limb at a time to start, okay?"

Raph ground his teeth. He dropped his head away from Leo and stuck out his arm.

A gentle grip caught his wrist. There were soft sounds, the trickle of droplets into water. And then wet warmth on his arm, dragging slowly and carefully along the line of his muscles.

Surprisingly, Leo stayed silent. He lifted and lowered Raph's arm as he needed, moved the sponge as carefully and thoroughly as if he'd given sponge baths all the damned time. The dampness of the sponge was followed just as carefully by the drying touch of another towel. Careful. Meticulous, as Leo always was.

Raph wasn't looking at him and didn't plan to, but he could picture just the look he'd have on his face.

Leo lifted Raph's arm carefully to clean his armpit and down the sensitive skin that met his bridge. More sensitive than the skin on his arms, and Raph might've shivered if he wasn't completely tense.

Five years ago he might've had dreams where Leo's hands traced the path of that sponge.

It was hard not to feel that much more embarrassed, really. This whole thing was like torture. The most non-sexual thing he could've imagined. And that was how he was finally getting Leo's hands on him.

He couldn't help but wonder what Leo was thinking.

Leo, of course, gave absolutely no sign. When he was done with Raph's arm he stood silently and moved to the other side of the bed to sit, to take Raph's other arm. As detached and distant as Raph could have hoped for.

Raph's cheek was against the pillow, and when Leo sat in his line of sight he didn't turn away.

He watched, since Leo was focused on his work. He studied Leo's face. Just as he'd pictured it.

Thoughtful, but what else was new? There was always that look in his eyes and that little furrow in his forehead that meant he was working over everything in his brain.

It was different from Donnie's thoughtful looks - Donnie knew and understood. If he didn't know he learned. Leo? He didn't think about the kinds of things he could learn from a computer. He took in other people, their reactions, their words. He tossed ideas around in his head, content to let his mind sift through to find his own truth.

Raph had never understood that about him. Leo could leave one of Splinter's lessons, sit by himself for an hour thinking it all over with that furrow between his eyes, and then he would be content that he understood all there was to understand.

Raph was driven by gut instinct. Leo? He was more complicated. Raph didn't understand it, and he hated when that look was directed at him, like he was some puzzle piece Leo could think about for a few minutes and have all figured out. He resented that Leo was right so often.

He knew Splinter approved of it, and he hated that too.

There was a part of him, he figured, that resented everything Splinter liked in his brothers that he himself didn't have. Which didn't make much sense, since he'd never actively tried to push his way into Splinter's focus. He wasn't some neglected kid. But every time Splinter chuckled at one of Mike's jokes, he felt a twist in his gut, wondering why Splinter didn't laugh for him.

Leo wasn't wearing his bands - they didn't very often, not in the comfort of their lair. But his face was so broad without the cut of blue. His eyes seemed bigger. He seemed…vulnerable somehow, though he wasn't. A trick of the eye.

Raph didn't love Leo. He didn't.

He didn't. Not as more than a brother. He'd been…weaker, when he was younger. He'd had weird ideas about himself, about why Leo always got him so emotional. He admired things about Leo, and mistook that for something else.

It was just that Leo was strong. As strong as Raph was, in a way Raph didn't have and could admire from a distance. If Raph was drawn to strength in others, that wasn't any big surprise.

If he fought with Leo, louder and longer than he had to, and needed those fights to release some of his frustrated tension, no big deal. Leo could take it.

Leo didn't look at his face as he drew the sponge so carefully over his arm. He didn't move his head at all, like he was focusing every ounce of concentration on the simple act of wetting him with a sponge and drying him with a towel.

Damn it. There was still strength in him, even doing that. Raph wanted to look away, but he saw his brother like this so rarely, and hell. What else did he have to think about that was better than Leo?

Leo did look up when he lay Raph's arm back on the bed. "I'll…" One word. That was all. It trailed off into nothing, and his eyes stayed on Raph's. He saw something in Raph's face, and the bad thing was that Raph had no idea what he was broadcasting so clearly.

Leo's expression didn't seem to change, but was suddenly entirely different. Like a shifting of muscle so subtle it was invisible.

Raph met his eyes, and something was there. It wasn't the medication talking - there was something…

Leo reached for his newly cleaned arm, sliding a finger slowly up the sensitive skin on the inside of his elbow. "You know, you're a lot bigger than the rest of us."

Raph was grateful for the words - they were just distracting enough that he could drag his eyes away from Leo and look back at that comfortable spot on the ceiling.

"I suppose being around you every day makes it hard to notice something like that, but…you are. You put a lot of value in strength, don't you?"

Raph grimaced. "Does it matter? Way Don talks I'll be a shriveled twig before I get outta this bed."

"No." That broad finger traced over his bicep. "We can't have that. I'll make sure you get some exercise."

Innocent words, innocent intent, but something in Raph's gut erupted into sparks. He frowned at himself, annoyed at the instant reaction.

It was as if those frigging words, the ones he'd apparently slurred out in an alley and Leo had repeated back to him later, had woken up all the old notions in his head.

Stupid. There wasn't a single thing about it that wasn't just _stupid_.

Leo leaned over him suddenly. "Raph?"

Raph's eyes went wide and he looked back.

Leo smiled, just a little subtle tilt at the corners of his mouth. His hand moved, slid to Raph's neck and laced underneath. His eyes were strange, all bright and intent and focused as they slid over Raph's face. He was close enough that Raph could feel a little puff of cool breath against his cheek when Leo exhaled.

The sponge touching his shoulder startled him, and he flinched.

Leo's smile faded. The strange look in his eyes faded back to that thoughtful distance, but he didn't speak. He ran the sponge across Raph's collarbones, skimming the edge of his plastron. He cleaned his other shoulder, and the hand under Raph lifted gently, tilting his head up to get the underside of his neck.

The water was still warm, vaguely medicinal-smelling, and he shivered as his neck was cleaned. Leo's hand slid up to the back of his head.

His eyes went to the side, away from his brother. Too close. He could almost think Leo was deliberately trying to torment him, to stir around all those feelings he'd accused Raph of having.

There didn't seem to be any kind of smugness in Leo's eyes, but that didn't mean it wasn't there.

He grabbed on to that thought hard. Testing him, that's what Leo was doing. Playing with him. Trying to get some more ammo, some added confession he could hold over Raph's head.

His anger refused to rise - maybe it wasn't all that believable - but just the thought was enough to let him look away and recover a little rational thought.

As if Leo sensed his mind drawing back, he drew back physically. He lay Raph's head back on the pillow, as gentle as if a little bump might make him shatter.

And then he stood. "Are you okay so far?"

Raph drew a breath. Nodded. Tried not to think of what was coming.

Leo's weight settled lower on the bed. Mercifully, he sat with his back to Raph so he could start on Raph's feet and work up.

Reprieve. Raph relaxed with a sigh, dragging his eyes down from the ceiling. He took in Leo's wide shell.

He'd know it, he thought. He'd know any of his brothers by their shells. He knew the gauges, the shapes. He wondered if humans would be able to tell the difference.

He frowned suddenly, his gaze drawn to a mark he didn't recognize. "Where'd you get that?"

"Hmm?" Leo glanced over his shoulder, sponge pausing on Raph's ankle.

Raph reached out, pressing hard against a scar in the shell. A gauge. "This one. This is new."

It was out of Leo's line of sight, just about midway up towards the center of his carapace. Raph rubbed his finger over it, but he doubted Leo could feel it.

When he looked up, Leo was watching his face and not even trying to see where he was touching.

Leo searched his eyes. "I don't know. I suppose in the last fight? Sometimes it's hard to keep track."

Raph frowned. "Shouldn't be."

Leo raised his brow. He moved his hand behind him, touching a small chipped piece of the outer edge of his carapace. "I don't know most of these."

Raph snorted. "That one's easy. That was the fall into April's apartment."

Leo regarded him.

Raph frowned, raising his hand to the side, to another place where the glass and the fall had stripped some of Leo's shell. "This one, too. A lot of these."

Leo spoke slowly, searching. "You know that spot on Don's back? He's got a cut right into the groove between his--"

Raph frowned. "Shredder."

Leo turned away from him. The sponge on his ankle began its slow stroking again.

Raph's brow furrowed. He watched Leo's back, wondering if he was wrong. No. He remembered it pretty damned well, watching his brothers follow him, one by one, to take their first crack at Oruku Saki. Watching Don so easily unarmed and thrown. One of the razors that was fastened to Shredder's arm had hit him just right, and…

Maybe the fight bothered Leo to remember.

"You know, sometimes I think I don't know you at all." Leo spoke without looking at him, still carefully washing.

Raph blinked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean…sometimes it's too easy to think that you don't care that much."

Something like hurt flickered at his mind, but he snorted. "I got a hole in my gut begging to differ."

Leo shook his head. "No. I don't doubt you'd take a hit for any of us if you could. I know you love us, Raph. I just…I didn't know you cared so much that you'd know the history of our littlest injuries."

Raph dropped his head back as the sponge moved above his knee to his thigh.

"I pride myself on knowledge, and understanding. But I've been so wrong about your feelings."

Raph grimaced. "Let's not talk about my feelings, Leo. This is uncomfortable enough."

"Relax." Leo's voice was mild. "It's going to get worse."

Raph glared at the ceiling.

Leo rose and moved, but Raph didn't watch. He settled again after a moment. At the foot of the bed.

Raph swallowed, trying like hell to relax when Leo took hold of his legs and spread them carefully apart.

The sponge got to work on his other leg.

"Raph. Relax."

He shut his eyes, loosened his fists from the sheet beneath him. Relax, he repeated to himself. Relax.

He did feel a little better. Maybe it was the bath itself, or the soothing touch of the soft sponge. It sure as hell wasn't Leo's presence.

Leo took hold of his leg carefully and lifted to get the underside of his thigh.

Raph groaned. When the sound drew Leo's eyes, he just lay back. "Like a frigging Charlie horse. Been wanting to stretch my damned legs for days."

"We'll have to start exercising you soon, then." Leo moved to his other leg, stretching it more deliberately.

Raph wondered if that wasn't his answer, right there. The answer to his original unspoken question - could they still be brothers? Could Leo still be the pushy leader, and Raph be the black sheep who disobeyed every order he could.

Could they deal with each other the way they always had.

This wasn't an argument, of course, so it wasn't standard behavior for the two of them. But Leo stroked that sponge up his thighs without a trace of any kind of sexual element. He wasn't tense, as if he thought Raph might get a hard-on or something from having him there. He wasn't smug, watching for signs of attraction.

Considering how intimate a thing this was, it seemed obvious that those three words hanging over his head like a sword hanging from a hair weren't going to ruin things as much as he thought.

The relief of that was the only thing that kept him from tensing too much when Leo spoke next.

"You ready for this?" His voice was low, solemn. He knelt between Raph's legs, waiting. Obviously not going to go on until Raph answered him.

Raph just snorted. There wasn't any damned way to answer.

Leo, so silent most of the time he'd been in there, spoke again even as the sponge slid up Raph's thigh and under his shell. "Why didn't you want Mike to do this? We all figured he'd be the most comfortable for you."

Raph kept his eyes tightly shut, breathing deeply in and out. Refusing to think about what was going on. "Mike…" He ground his teeth when the sponge stroked over his tail, cleaning as thoroughly as any other part of his body.

Fucking humiliating bullshit, damn it all.

He swallowed. "Mike's crazy enough to look up to me. In spite of everything I do to ruin it."

The sponge moved up, stroking back and forth over Raph's asshole. Like torture. Like humiliation.

"You think he'd respect you less?" From Leo's voice they might've been chatting over a beer, not on a bed wiping at Raph's dirty ass.

His hands were fisting the sheets again, but he didn't bother trying to relax them. "I don't want to look in his eyes and see this."

Leo hummed a little, almost like he understood. "Don told me about you and Mike."

Raph snorted, but there was a desperate edge to it. "I don't know where Don's been hiding this gossipy big-ass mouth of his all these years."

"Mmm. Does that have something to do with it, though?"

Raph had this horrible, stomach-churning feeling that if this went on much longer, he'd actually shed some fucking tears over it. "I don't know." Focus on the words, he ordered himself. "Me and him had some good times, and I know…damn it." He could feel heat behind his eyelids.

The sponge traced over the opening where his cock would emerge.

He swallowed. "Mike thought I was hot." He laughed, dark and bitter, because the idea of him being attractive in any way was pretty fucking laughable right then.

But Leo didn't laugh. Didn't even smile.

Raph stuttered out a sigh. "I don't know. Even though we'd never be anything serious, it's still…I don't wanna lose that."

Leo nodded. When he spoke, his voice was hesitant. "Raph, I can't get…you're going to have to drop down for me."

Mike vanished from Raph's head and he squeezed his fists so hard it hurt.

"Relax. You're too tense."

"What the fuck do you expect, Leo? Jesus fucking Christ." He swallowed and let his cock slide from the safety of its hiding place.

If Leo had been talking to keep Raph's mind off things, he didn't bother trying that now. He carefully, quickly sponged and dried.

Raph was tucked back inside before Leo could draw the sponge fully away. He brought an arm up to lay across his eyes, in case he did lose all control and start blubbering.

"Raph." Leo's weight left the bed.

Raph held his breath, daring to hope Leo would miraculously just leave without making him say anything else.

But no. A dip in the bed beside him, where Leo had first sat.

"Raph?"

If Leo was trying to draw Raph's gaze, he was shit out of luck.

"Listen…I understand."

He couldn't even muster the energy to snort. Instead he just puffed out a breath.

"I mean about Mikey. I guess if Mike's not going to have any new memories after this one, he might always hold on to this one. But I'm not Mikey."

Raph grimaced.

Leo shifted, and his voice was suddenly closer. "I'll see more when I look at you. I already do, though you might not believe it."

Raph's arm lifted. He turned his head to look at Leo.

Leo's eyes were dark. That same intent focus he'd had while he cleaned Raph shone through. "I came in here meaning to tell you about everything I've been thinking lately. But this is a pretty rotten time."

Raph shut his eyes. Humiliation still burned in him, but something burned hotter, and he absolutely hated it.

"You should know, though. Now, and every time we have to do this in the next few weeks."

_Every time_. Raph's eyes burned.

A touch appeared on his arm, stroking slow and soothing. "Keep this in mind: I plan on having memories more than this. This isn't going to be what any of us remembers about you. It's so low on the list we won't even think about it once you're better."

Raph's head shook, though he wasn't sure exactly which part he was arguing with. He couldn't get past the idea that this wasn't a one-time thing. This would happen a lot.

"I promise, Raph."

He wanted to ask Leo to get out and leave him alone, but he didn't trust his voice. His throat felt hot and thick and he hadn't felt this close to tears since he was a kid.

Leo shifted, and Raph felt breath against his brow a moment before warmth pressed into his temple. Like the small kiss Mike gave before he left, but this wasn't Mikey.

His eyes opened, but his vision was too blurred to make out much of Leo's face.

Leo's voice pretty much said it all, though. "You're my hero too."

Raph looked away fast, begging, though only in his mind. Begging in screams for Leo to just leave, to give him something that was private.

Miraculously, Leo stood.

Raph listened with focus he couldn't manage in most other things, hearing every footfall from the bed to the door. Hearing the opening of the door, and the soft closing.

He opened his eyes wide, and blindly reached to the side, to the table where he knew there was always…

There. His hand closed around the glass of water, and without looking to see where it would hit he threw it.

The crash was some small comfort, but better was the pain that throwing it caused. The fire in his gut, the sheer physical _pain_ that was the permission he needed to give in to the fire in his eyes and let the tears slide down his face.


	8. Chapter 8

_Author's Note - _

_Um. Right. So, yeah, I've been gone a long time. Kinda left abruptly, I'm sure most everyone's forgotten about me. Sorry. :-) I don't even have a really good reason. I've been writing a novel, trying my hand at original fiction. It's going well, too, and I'm happy with it. But I thought maybe I could work on my unfinished fanfics now that most of the novel's hammered out. _

_Anyway, for everyone still willing to read to the end, thanks. I'm hoping to get this story, Return to the River, and Over All the Creatures finished. Might not start anything new until the book's done, but at least I can not leave anyone hanging on the stuff I've started. _

_This chapter's just to get me back in the mood. And don't worry, the next chapter's coming really soon. Raph and Leo are having this massive confrontation in my head and it needs to escape onto paper. _

_Right, enough from me. And, hi everyone! _

* * *

Everything was warm. The sheets around him, the air, his body. He felt relaxed for the first time in ages. Comfortable. In his own room again, sleeping in his own rugged little hammock, tucked in close beside a warm body. 

Raph kicked out, luxuriating in a full-body stretch, growling deep in his chest. "Jesus."

There was a quiet laugh beside him. "Feeling okay, then?"

He shifted to his side and grinned. "Better than okay, Mikey."

Mike rolled to meet him, pulling his arm from under the sheet and tracing an easy line down Raph's plastron. "Bet I can make you feel even better."

Heat pooled in Raph's gut. His grin only grew. "I like these bets."

"Don't whip it out yet, Raph. I'm talking about making breakfast."

Raph's grin faded into a pout. "Oh."

Mike giggled, burying his face in the pillow.

Raph slipped his hand to his brother's face, touching the curve of his grinning cheek.

Mike looked up again and leaned in. He touched his mouth lightly to Raph's. "See?" he said, breath tickling Raph's cheek. "See how nice things could have been?"

Raph blinked and drew back to meet his eyes. "What do you mean?"

"We could have been like this. If only you were different, Raph."

"Mike…" Raph's hand went to his gut. Suddenly his stomach was numb, aching.

"You couldn't meet me halfway, could you? You couldn't even try, even though you said you loved me."

Raph reached out, but Mike slipped away from his grasp and rolled out of the hammock. "Hey. Hang on, you can't say something like that and then run."

"No?" Mike moved to the door, throwing a strangely hard grin back at Raph. "So come get me. Make me stop."

"I can't." Raph dropped on his back, the warmth leaking away, following Mike as he went. "I can't move."

"You never could."

"No, Mike. Hang on. I can't--"

Mike looked back from the doorway. "I know you can't." He shook his head, his grin twisting into a sneer. "We all know. You'll never change, Raph. And if I can't love you the way you are, who can? Leo?" He laughed.

Raph swallowed. His head dropped to the pillow, suddenly heavy. He couldn't move his legs. His gut was on fire. "Mikey, wait."

"For what? I've known you all our lives, Raph. There's nothing to wait for."

He dragged his eyes up, lifting his head off the pillow just enough to see Mike silhouetted in the doorway. "Please."

Even though Mike hadn't been wearing an eyeband, suddenly the turtle in the doorway was. Not orange, though. Blue. And it was Leo who answered Raph, his eyes lit in amusement. "Wipe your own ass, Raph."

"Wait." He tried to reach out, but his arms stayed weighed down at his sides. So heavy they made dents in the mattress, and why couldn't he move? Why wouldn't Leo stay? "Wait."

Leo just laughed. "Don't fool yourself. You weren't good enough for me before this, how could you possibly be good enough now?"

He shut his eyes.

"Raph."

He groaned. Don's voice now. Not Don.

"Raph, hey."

"Just go." He screwed his eyes shut tighter, unwilling to look at mockery on his most gentle brother's face.

"Raph?"

A touch on his arm made him twitch, and he blinked into sudden bright light. "Wha?"

Don grinned down at him. "Morning."

Raph blinked grainy eyes. He was in Leo's room. In Leo's bed.

Jesus, what kind of fucked up dream had Don interrupted?

He rubbed at his eyes with a careful, heavy arm. "No more pills."

Don studied him. "We've talked about that."

"No. More. Pills." He dug the heel of his hand into his eyes to clear away the images of that dream. Mike sneering, and Leo laughing. And Jesus, didn't his subconscious mind know how to at least be subtle?

Don let out a breath. "We'll talk about it later. Right now you've got things to do."

Raph snorted, glaring down the bed at his helpless body. "I've got shitting myself down to a fucking science, Don. What else do I have to do?"

Don winced.

Raph almost took the words back, but his mouth pressed shut.

"Well." Don swallowed, then kept on in a bright, false tone. "According to Leo you're worried about losing muscle tone, so we're going to start you on a little physical therapy."

"Great." Raph's head dropped back against the pillow. "Who drew the short straw?" And in a part of his mind he wished he could just cut out of himself, he hoped it was Leo.

Fucking idiot.

"Actually. There was a volunteer." Don glanced back over his shoulder.

Raph frowned and tried to see past him, but Don's shell blocked his view.

There was no mistaking the voice, though. "Well, well. Look who's suddenly at my mercy."

Despite everything, Raph grinned. "I thought you forgot where we lived, asshole."

Casey moved in, his sports bag slung over his shoulder, his smile big and goofy and so fucking welcome Raph almost wanted to cry. "Don't blame me. These clowns kept chasing me off."

Raph glanced at Don.

Don raised his hands and stood. "You both know why, so don't bother asking. I'll leave you alone. Casey, you remember what we talked about."

"Yeah, yeah." Casey moved with him to the door.

Raph's smile faded a little. What had they talked about? What the fuck did Casey know about him now that Raph would have never admitted to his pal if he'd had a choice?

Casey ushered Don out the door and grinned back at Raph. "Heh."

Raph's smile returned reluctantly. "What?"

"Are you crazy?" Casey's voice pitched loud, almost a shout. "You're on pain pills, Raph. You know I would never give you alcohol."

Raph blinked. "Who said anything about alcohol?"

"Don't argue. I'm all about being responsible." Casey spoke towards the crack in the door as he pushed it slowly shut. "We're going to do whatever it takes to get you healthy again, and that means no beer. None at all."

He clicked the lock on the door and turned to Raph, beaming.

"Jesus." Raph chuckled despite himself. "You're subtle."

"Shut up and be grateful." Casey moved in and dropped his bag on the bed beside Raph, unzipping with flare and pulling out a six pack.

"You're my best friend." Raph took the beer Casey handed out, squirming to try to sit up.

"Hey. Watch it." Casey set the rest of the pack on the table and dropped his bag to the floor. He leaned in. "You hurt yourself and Doctor-tello will have my ass."

Raph rolled his eyes, but Casey's movements were surprisingly sure as he helped Raph sit up, moving the pillows under his shell so he could lean back against them. The bandage covering the lower half of his plastron bunched a little, and he could feel the pull of healing underneath. But he managed to make it mostly upright without causing any damage.

Casey leaned back and surveyed him, then grinned again and grabbed a bottle for himself. "Here's to therapy."

Raph chuckled and clinked the bottles in toast. "Don't know how you managed to talk Don into thinking you know what you're doing."

"You doubt my skills." Casey sighed, but the humor in his eyes faded as he drank a sip. "Kinda scared the shit out of me, Raph."

"I'm getting that a lot lately." Raph drew a swallow from the bottle and sighed happily at the earthy bitterness. Hadn't had a beer since last time he hung out with Casey, which had to have been a week before he got hurt. "Doesn't seem fair," he said with a grimace. "It only takes a second to get shot. I shouldn't have to pay for it for weeks on end."

"That's what happens, bright boy." Casey leaned over and set his beer on the table. He stood and moved to the foot of the bed. "So, look, you shout if this starts hurting. I'm not even kidding about this, Raph."

Raph frowned up at him. "You mean you're really going to fake your way through some bullshit physical therapy?"

Casey's hands wrapped around Raph's right ankle. "I wasn't lying to your bros, Raph. I've mostly been at the receiving end of PT, but you play sports for more than a week you're gonna end up going through some sessions."

Hockey. Raph blinked in surprise. He hadn't even thought of that. Casey being injured playing hockey, blowing out his knee. Jesus.

Funny, the things you don't know about a person you're close to.

Casey grinned at the look on Raph's face. "Alright, we're gonna take this slow. Stretch things out more than anything, since you've been laying on your fat butt for a while."

"Fuck you," Raph retorted mildly.

Casey smiled. He lifted Raph's foot. "You want to fill me in on what I've missed?"

So Raph did - somewhat. His version of the last few weeks was highly edited, leaving out the worst things. Still, while he talked he saw the glitter of knowledge in Casey's eyes and wondered if he couldn't guess at most of the blanks.

As he talked, slowly going through waking up and being force-fed pills and having fucked up dreams, Casey stretched his legs out, one then the other. Bending his leg at the knee, he would push slowly into an easy stretch, and more than once Raph's words cut off to groan out sheer ecstasy as cramped muscles were finally allowed to move.

Weirdest thing about it all was that it wasn't that weird. Raph would have figured a couple of good-times pals like them wouldn't have taken to this so easily.

Maybe later he'd have to think about the idea of considering giving Casey some credit for not being a total idiot.

Maybe.

They went through the six pack.

Casey went through the six pack, anyway. Raph had one and sipped another until he felt the warmth of an alcohol rush. No use embarrassing himself showing Casey how low his tolerance was suddenly, so he faked it with the second bottle.

By the time Casey let him go and came to sit beside him on the bed again, Raph was more conscious of his body than he had been since Leo's sponge bath. But this was a good awareness, not the choking self-consciousness of the last time.

"So you went through all this after your knee went out?" he asked when Casey was draining the last beer.

Casey shrugged. "For a little while. Nothing this bad, you know, but I understand the pain and the fucked-up dreams." He hesitated. "You know, sometimes I think about back then. My PT, guy named Charlie, he was a bastard. I mean, he liked to tell me every frigging session how I'd never play the way I used to. Said every time an injury was bad enough to call him in, it was bad enough to ruin a player's life. Because the real bad shit? It doesn't just heal. Maybe in the movies, but not in real life."

Raph's hand slipped over the bandage on his gut. He watched Casey's face, wondering what kind of pro player he'd have made. What was he like before he got sidelined? A cocky shit, no doubt.

Casey let out a breath. "Broken things don't just heal up, Raph. You know that, right?"

Raph met his eyes, frowning.

Casey shrugged. "I'd've played again if there was any shot. Tried my hardest back then, and gave up. Funny thing is, here I am now chasing you clowns, fighting mutants and ninjas and gangs. Easy to act tough, you know, but a lot of nights I gotta sleep with an ice pack on my leg because it still fucking hurts."

Raph swallowed, looking down at himself again.

"Look, you…shit. Raph, you know I got all kinds of faith in you. I wouldn't've trusted you to watch my back all these times if I didn't think you were tough. But I know you, man. I know how you push. Don told me how scared everyone is that you're gonna do too much too soon and get yourself killed."

He reached out and thumped a loose fist against Raph's arm. "Trust them, okay? Trust me. This is serious shit, and even if you start feeling better there's a hundred things that could go wrong. Could be a year from now when you make a wrong move and everything falls apart."

Raph nodded, but his gut was burning as Casey talked. Burning with something other than pain.

Don predicting he'd be in bed for so long, and Leo talking about all the sponge baths he had to look forward to. Everyone treating him like he was at the very beginning of all this. Like he'd never get better.

He knew in his head that Casey was right. Don had explained about all the fragments of bone and plastron that were still inside his wound. If one of those pieces moved enough to poke at his organs, that was it. He could bleed to death before they had a chance to figure out what was wrong.

Standing might kill him. Walking might kill him. Fighting, lifting weights, racing across rooftops, jumping a Purple Dragon. Patrolling, watching his brothers' backs.

Everything he did. Everything he lived for. Any of it could shift some bone fragment in just the right way, and that would be that.

If Raph accepted that…if he lived the way everyone wanted him to, he was as good as dead. They weren't humans, this wasn't a hospital. No x-rays, no surgery. He was stuck with the cards he'd been dealt, and all he could do was figure out how to play them.

Casey clapped him on the shoulder suddenly, driving him out of his thoughts. "I gotta get out of here. I'm under strict orders not to tire you out."

Raph grinned, and it felt distracted and distant. "Yeah. Don's a fascist these days."

"Tell me about it. For a nerd he can be pretty frigging scary." Casey stood up, dropping empty bottles into his bag, not seeming to care when the clink of glass was more than a little loud. "I'll be back, you know. This…" He grinned. "You know, this can be our new thing. Since the old thing's pretty much fucked."

Raph winced. "Yeah."

Casey noticed. "Sorry. Don't listen to me. When do I ever know what I'm talking about?" He slung his bag over his shoulder. "Gimme a call if you need anything before I come back."

"I will."

Casey hesitated, but Raph wasn't paying him attention anymore. He was stuck in his thoughts, in the echo of Casey's words. Broken things don't just heal.

He noticed from a distance as the door opened and shut again. He heard the muffle of voices, but didn't listen to what they said.

It was strange. The life they lived had never been a safe one. The idea that the fighting could kill them was nothing new. It shouldn't strike so deep to realize that he had one more possible death sentence now than he had.

Shouldn't bother him so much, shouldn't bother the others.

Since he woke up with a bullet hole in his gut, Raph had gone through a lot of shit. He had let himself get doped up. He'd humiliated himself a dozen ways. Had his sheets changed around him like a baby. Got his own ass wiped for him. He'd heard each of his brothers, and his father, and now his best friend, all telling him what he could and couldn't do. All telling him what he had to be now than this had happened.

Somewhere along the way he had settled into it. Accepted what they told him without more than a token fight.

Jesus. What the fuck happened to him? He was Raphael, for God's sake. He fought everyone over everything, and he fought hard.

This laying here, this accepting, it wasn't him.

Maybe it was the beer or maybe it was just time, but Raph felt the silvery urge to piss coming over him.

He looked down at his limp legs, still tingling from Casey's therapy. When he made the choice it didn't even feel that big. It felt like it was overdue.

He was never going to piss himself again.

When he sat up, his body obeyed. When he swung his feet to the floor and pushed himself up, his legs held him.

Ignoring the pain - and there was a lot of pain, eating at his gut with every throb of his pulse - he lifted his chin and fisted his hands, and made his slow way to the door of Leo's bedroom.


	9. Chapter 9

Don was in his room. Leo wasn't in sight, but the light was on in the dojo. Mike sat in front of the TV, and Splinter was in the kitchen standing over a warming pot on the stove.

Raph took his time. He wasn't hiding, but he wasn't about to go out of his way to draw attention to himself. He leaned on the wall and took each step with slow, careful balance.

From further in came the bright, tinkly sounds of cartoon voices, the whoosing and clanging that accompanied violence in the kind of crap Mikey liked watching. Raph had never had much patience for overdramatic anime, but he paused his steps and looked at Mike's back, at the colors splashing over the TV screen. He smiled faintly.

He missed things laying in that bed. Stupid things like Mike's TV, and Don fiddling with some bit of wires at the table.

Raph paused and leaned against the wall. His knees felt shaky. Each beat of his heart sent a throb through him like pain, but distant. Nothing he couldn't handle.

Casey must've taken off fast. Probably worried about the guys catching the bottles in his bag, though knowing Casey he was more worried about them telling April what he'd done than what they would do.

Raph's gaze shifted to the closed door of the dojo. Leo, no doubt running katas. It was nonstop with him, even when he could run the things in his sleep. Raph was never sure if he did them so often because he liked things that came easy, or if they came easy because he did them so often.

It was one thing he and Leo had never understood about each other - one of the many things. Raph didn't get why someone would focus so much on a simple pattern of movements. Katas were good for balance, for technique and focus and flexibility. But they were a means to an end. They were just one training tool. Leo acted like they were an end to themselves. Raph didn't see their use outside battle training.

He sighed when he realized he was only thinking about it to stall, to tell himself he was more fit for this trip than he was.

On the other side of the room from the dojo sat their bathroom. The door was open, lights off. Waiting. Patient.

And he would damn well use the thing.

Reminded of his goal, Raph pushed off the wall and took another couple of halting steps.

From further in came the rasp of Splinter's voice. "Michelangelo. Did we not agree that you would leave the volume where I set it?"

"I did!" Mike's voice rang out, affronted. "I haven't touched it. Honest."

"When I view the television I hardly keep it this loud."

Raph glanced over. Splinter was shuffling towards the door into the living room, tea cup steaming in his hand.

His gut tugged, but he kept on his slow path.

"Look at it this way, sensei. You watch shows that have a lot of people yapping back and forth, and crying, and kissing, and that kind of thing. Which, you know, is fine. For you. But it's quiet. This, on the other hand, is quality television. There's a lot of robots fighting each other, and dragons and things. That tends to come across a little louder."

Splinter's chuckle carried across the room. "Your logic is unpersuasive, my son."

Raph drew a breath the moment before it happened. He could feel it, like a physical weight, as Splinter's eyes tracked his movement and focused on him.

"Raphael?"

Raph paused, looking over. His shoulder touched the wall and rested just for a moment. "I'm fine."

Splinter set his mug with a loud thump on the table in front of the sofa.

Mike was halfway standing, craning back to stare. "Raph?"

It was like dominoes falling. The door to the dojo opened, and from Don's room a shadow blocked the light coming from the doorway.

Raph turned back to the bathroom, his jaw clenching. He hadn't been hiding. There was nothing to hide. "I'm fine. Go back to what--"

"Raph, Jesus!" There was a metallic clang as whatever Don was working on hit the ground, and he took off from his doorway across the living room.

Mike beat him, though, vaulting over the back of the sofa. "Are you crazy? If you need something you just--"

"Don't!" Raph held his hands out, his back to the wall.

"--have to ask!" Mike moved in, his brow furrowed. His hands stretched out. "Come on, I can--"

"I said don't." Raph felt his expression hardening, felt the rise of the same helpless anger he''d been dealing with since waking up with a hole in his gut. "Don't touch me."

Mike came within feet of him, but faltered. "Raph."

"I mean it. I'm fine."

"You're not fine." Don approached more slowly, his hands up. His voice was the gentle tones of a zookeeper trying to pacify a rogue elephant or something. "You're going to hurt yourself, and you know that. I've told you exactly what can--"

"Yeah, you have." Raph moved a step along the wall as Don approached. "Stay back, Don. I mean it."

Don hesitated, the concern on his face sliding into confusion. "What's going on, Raph?"

"I'm going to the bathroom." Raph turned, bracing his hand on the wall.

"Donatello, get your brother." Splinter's voice was gravel. "Raphael, you will return to bed this instant."

"No, I won't." He swallowed, but not looking at their father made it easier to defy him. "Don, go back to your room. Mike, you're missing your shows."

"Raphael."

He turned then. Leo, strangely silent so far, had joined his brothers. Splinter stood at his other side. They were a united front, lined up against him.

Raph looked down the line, his eyes pausing on Leo and stopping at Splinter. "If you try to stop me I'll fight."

"What are you trying to do, Raph?" Leo's voice was quiet, but had that same sedative tone Don's had.

It made Raph's shoulders square. He straightened and took his weight off the wall. "I'm going to the bathroom, the way everyone else in the world does it. I'm calm, I'm not in pain. I'm going to do this and then I'm going back to bed, on my own."

Leo's face changed, his eyes narrowing. His mouth thinned. "You know why we can't stand here and let you--"

"No. I swear to God, Leo, I'll fight the minute you touch me, and chances are that'll hurt me faster than walking will."

"Raphael." Splinter moved in. "I did not raise my sons to be cruel. You will not use our concern for you against us."

"Don't!" His voice rose, sharp. Desperate. If he couldn't do this one stupid little thing on his own he was going to break down, and he couldn't handle it right then.

Splinter's eyes were hard, though. He reached out, his furred hand grasping Raph's arm.

Raph fought. Not hard - he didn't have that much strength in him. But he tensed and pulled, stumbling on awkward feet to break his father's grasp. "Let go."

"Stop this at once."

"Let me go." He jerked his arm, and a tug in his stomach made his free hand come up and rest over his bandages.

"Damn it, Raph, you're going to kill yourself." Don came in behind Splinter, reaching.

Trying to stop him. Raph's eyes burned at the looks on his family's faces. "No." He pulled, and when he felt Don's thick calloused fingers he shoved out at it. "Don't! Let me go!"

"Don, stop! Sensei!" Mike moved in, his voice thick and startled. "Let him go!"

"Let me go. Let me go." It was a mantra, almost, dull after Mike's strong voice, but like him though it was weak it was sincere. "Let me go." His eyes squeezed shut against the burn behind them. He huddled back against the wall, his gut burning.

For a moment he thought he really was passing out. Silence came, falling unnaturally as if he had just gone deaf. He stood there, his unsteady legs trembling. Not weak, though. He refused to be weak.

Don's hand slipped away, and the warmth of Splinter's touch left his arm.

He was aware only of the stone against his shell and the swaying floor under his feet. There still wasn't any real pain, oddly. Maybe he was passing out, falling away from it.

But no.

He drew in a breath, and another one, and his fists flexed on his silent command.

He opened his eyes.

They stood staring at him, their ranks broken. Mike was in front of Splinter and Don, but instead of holding them off he stared at Raph as they did.

Raph's vision blurred, but cleared again as a streak of wetness dripped down his cheek.

Fuck that. He wasn't weak. He wasn't going to sob or pass out or anything else. That's what they wanted him to become, and the last thing he would let himself be.

He moved off the wall and turned away from them, moving one foot after the other towards the bathroom.

From behind him came the sounds of Mike's anime, but no voices. No footsteps. He felt their eyes boring into his shell. He stumbled a step and felt like the air around him was suddenly thicker, just like that.

They were waiting. Watching. Wanting him to fall, maybe, or just expecting it. Staring at the inevitable car wreck they thought this was.

But it wasn't.

The anime sounds became the jarring screams of commercials, then the show started again. Minute by minute he moved, and had to fight to keep from looking behind him. Were they all just standing there, watching? Had they turned their backs on him minutes ago, gone back to their own lives? Were they creeping behind him step by step, readying an ambush?

The bathroom door came closer, and the cement floor passed block by slow block.

And then he was there. He stretched his arm out, and the cool metal of the doorknob was sharp.

Like victory.

He moved in, pulling the door behind him inch by inch as he dragged his feet through and inside. He turned to watch the door shut, and his breath escaped him the moment he heard the soft click.

He did it.

He wasn't content, though, until he made it the couple of feet to the toilet. Raph would have made odds, and laid down some pretty serious money, that no one had ever gotten as much satisfaction out of a piss before.

It felt like a win, like he had proven something that no one else believed to be true. But he turned back to the door when he was done, and he realized he had really only made it halfway.

He still had to get back to bed.

When he opened the door and slid foot by foot into the living room, the line formed against him was gone. Don's door was shut. The television was silent.

Leo stood against the back of the couch, waiting.

Raph swallowed. He almost asked where everyone else was, but he figured he knew. How Leo got Splinter to let him take this prime lecture spot, Raph wasn't sure.

But Leo stayed silent, his hooded eyes on Raph.

Waiting and anticipating took too much energy, and he had no reserves. He slipped his hand to the back wall and started to retrace his path.

He could hear Leo's breathing in the silence. Deeper than normal, but steady. He wasn't furious enough to hyperventilate, at least. But he didn't move, and he didn't say a word.

Until Raph was maybe ten feet from the bathroom door, a good twenty feet left to go.

"I hope you proved whatever it is you wanted to."

Raph winced at the sharpness, worse after the heavy silence it interrupted. He glanced at Leo, a hand going to his bandaged gut. "Wasn't proving anything, Leo. I was using the bathroom."

"Bullshit."

The rare sound of Leo swearing dragged Raph's focus back to him. "No."

"If it was just about getting to the bathroom, you could have let one of us help you."

"Every time I've asked before you tell me to piss on myself, like it's privilege enough and I should be glad to do it."

"Beats being dead, doesn't it?"

"Not by a lot." Raph gritted his teeth. Left foot. Right foot. Left foot.

"That's it then."

Raph fucking hated it when Leo made those open-ended statements. Just waiting for Raph to ask, so he could launch into whatever speech he had planned.

But he had time to kill, since it looked like the walk back would take a good hour more. "That's what?"

"That's how you want to die."

Raph rolled his eyes.

"A bullet didn't do it, so you want to drop dead of…what? Stupidity? Selfishness? Stubbornness?"

"Selfishness?" Raph's eyes shot back to Leo. "Oh, the fucking pot is name-calling again."

Leo straightened, his arms dropping to his sides. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Raph shook his head. Too tired for this. Too much distance left to travel. "It means go hide with everyone else, because I'm going to make it back just fine on my own."

"Hide." Leo repeated the word like it tasted bad. "Don was in tears when he shut himself back up in his room."

Raph winced, his eyes dropping to the ground. Left foot. Right foot.

"Do you have any idea how devoted he's been to you? Since the moment this happened. He did things no one should have to do, Raph. And not the cleaning up, or the bathing, or the feeding. He stuck pliers into your stomach to get a bullet out. We were falling apart, every last one of us, but he couldn't. He cauterized the wound with your own sai. Stabbed it inside of you without being the least bit sure it would even help. He could have killed you, even doing the best he could. He had to deal with that. He has to deal with knowing that he can't fix you any more than he did. And you yell at him? You pull away from him, and tell me he's hiding?"

Raph shut his eyes against the words, feeling his way along the wall. He had to swallow before he could answer. "If I owe him an apology I owe it to him, not you."

"Because I love you less than he does. Because I didn't suffer at all, knowing I couldn't even do as much as he did. Knowing that the bullet in you should have been in me."

Raph shook his head. Left foot. Right foot.

"You're surprised I call you selfish? That's all this is. Some stubborn selfish desire to…"

"To what?" He spoke through gritted teeth, eyes still clenched shut. "To want to not wet your fucking bed?"

"Yes!" There were footsteps, and Leo's voice was drawing closer. "Because you know we don't care about that. You know we would clean you up for the rest of your damned life, because we love you that much."

"This isn't about you!" Raph turned, sagging against the wall as he faced Leo. "This isn't about Don or Mike or Splinter, and it's not about you, Leo. You don't understand."

"Then tell me." Leo's eyes were dark swirls, and though he stopped feet from Raph he was close enough that Raph could see the vein throbbing in his neck. "Tell me so I have something to tell my brothers when they ask why you want to kill yourself."

Raph met his eyes. "If you're keeping me alive to be bedridden for the rest of my life, I'd rather die."

Leo froze. His throat worked.

Movement caught Raph's eyes. He looked past Leo to see Don's door open, and Don standing halfway out of the room, regarding them.

He couldn't tell if Don was as upset as Leo said, not from that far away. But he lowered his voice, speaking sincerely.

"Don says there's so way to fix whatever might still be wrong." He spoke to them both, but dragged his eyes back to Leo. "Casey says that even years from now the wrong move might do me in."

Leo regarded him, unaware of Don behind him.

Raph swallowed, looked away from both of them. "That's how it is, Leo. One day I'm fine, next day this is my fucking life. Maybe it's a death sentence, maybe it's not. But I won't hide myself from it. I won't lay in bed and heal and learn to rely on you guys for every little thing. Because no matter how much I heal it won't be enough. Ever."

Leo winced. His eyes dropped.

Raph looked back at Don. "Can you imagine me stuck in bed the rest of my life? It'd be hell for anyone, but…me? You know me."

Don moved in a few steps, hands rubbing his arms as if chilled.

"You know how I am. Do you know how quickly I'd go nuts if I thought I had nothing to look forward to but years of sponge baths and wet sheets? And…" He hesitated, looking at Leo again. At Splinter's closed door, and the TV Mike had abandoned. "Even if you let me get up to bathe, but stop me from training, or fighting, or going topside and patrolling rooftops, it's still a form of death."

"That's not…there are other ways to help us fight. Don's computers, or…" Leo's voice was flat.

Raph shook his head. "This is me, Leo. Not Don. Not you. You know what I'm good at, and what I love. You're trying to take that all away from me."

"Not forever. Just until…"

"Until what? Until you're sure everything's fine and I'm perfectly healthy again?" Raph looked back at Don. "That won't happen. Will it?"

"No." Don's voice barely carried.

Leo tensed and looked back at him.

Don met Raph's gaze. "There would always be a risk."

Raph nodded. "You kept saying that. I just didn't realize what it meant until today. And I can't live like that."

Don's face bowed.

Raph pushed off the wall to go to him, but forgot himself. His stomach seized, his legs sagged. He caught the wall again fast. Luckily neither of them was watching. "I have to do things my way. I have to get up and get back into things. And if I die from it…Don, Jesus. Don't think I don't appreciate what you did. I do. I don't have a death wish, I promise. But if I die from this I'm dying from a fight, which we've always known could happen. We've taken that risk from the beginning."

"It's not the same." Leo turned back to him, his eyes bleak. "This could be prevented."

Raph shrugged. It was getting harder to focus on their faces, but he blinked away an approaching fog. "So can every other risk we take. We don't have to fight. We do because we're trained to, and because we believe in it. I believe…" He swallowed to unclog a thickening throat.

"Raph?"

He shook his head. "I believe in this. You have to let me…" Damn it. The room was starting to sway. He couldn't pass out. Not now. Not when he had to make them listen.

There was a sudden warmth at his side, and fingers on his arm. Leo spoke soft in his ear. "Lean on me."

"I can't." Raph tried to pull away, but his strength was gone. "I can't get used to help. I wouldn't lean on you in a fight."

"You would if you were hurt." Leo's voice sounded odd, pinched. "I've leaned on you before."

Raph sagged into him.

Leo's arms caught and held him. Strong. "I'll get him."

Don's voice rang out in answer, muffled to Raph's ears.

Raph shut his eyes, focusing on breathing and staying on his feet. Leo was a solid support beside him, but the world was still spinning.

"Come on." Leo took his arm. "You stubborn asshole."

Raph smiled to himself. "I'm right and you know it." His voice was cotton-thick.

"Nothing that leads to you dying can be right, Raph."

Raph didn't watch the path to Leo's room coming any closer. He let the fog drift into his head, and as the world got dull around him the tug in his stomach got sharper.

He opened his eyes only when Leo's steps slowed. He groaned to see the bed right there in front of him, and only some miracle of patience led to him waiting for Leo to turn them around and ease him down gently.

He hated that bed. He hated everything about it. It was Leo's bed, and Raph's prison. But Jesus, it felt good to get off his feet.

Leo sat down beside him when he was safely tucked under covers. His hand came out and brushed over Raph's face. "Would you meet us halfway at least?"

Raph leaned into the touch unconsciously, but he was coherent enough to be wary. "How?"

"Let one of us help you get to the bathroom. At least at first."

"Mmm.."

"That wasn't a yes."

Raph cocked one eye open.

Leo smiled down at him. The tightness of tension was around his eyes and mouth, but he was trying. Raph could see that.

So Raph nodded, eyes shutting again. "At first."

"Promise?"

"Pinky swear."

Leo's hand slipped away, but reappeared as warm, comforting weight on Raph's arm. "Sleep as long as you can, Raph. You're going to need your energy for some hard core apologizing when you wake up."

Raph would have winced if he had enough energy. Hopefully Leo and Don understood, but that still left Mikey and Splinter.

Movement swayed the bed, and Leo was suddenly so close that the breath of his words puffed warm against Raph's cheek. "You are not dying, Raph. You hear me? I've got plans for you."

Raph's face tilted, leaning in towards him though his eyes still refused to open. "Mmm."

"Still wasn't a yes," Leo answered, sounding amused. "But I wasn't asking, I was telling."

A warm touch against his mouth, and if Raph was more aware he might have wondered if it had been a real kiss.

Then Leo was gone, and Raph smiled to himself as he settled in to the mattress.

He had done it. Gotten up, fought off protest, reached his goal. He hadn't made it back on his own, but he was still damn proud of himself.

The next day he would wake up and shout until Mike or Splinter showed up, and he'd begin the process of apologizing. Leo was right - he shouldn't have taken his anger out on them. But he'd done what he meant to do, and things had to start getting better now.

They had to.

* * *

He slept long and hard and had strange dreams.

And when he woke up in the morning, he couldn't feel his legs.


	10. Chapter 10

All he wanted to do was sit up.

After getting up on his own the day before, despite the panic it caused, he felt like lying on his back all morning would have been a cheat. A step back.

Sitting up wouldn't inspire anyone's rage, hopefully, and it would put him in a good spot to talk to everyone who'd be lined up out his door to yell at him for being stupid.

But he went to plant his foot up the mattress to help scoot himself up, and his foot wouldn't move.

For a moment he just lay there, staring at the ceiling. His brow furrowed, and he tried again.

Nothing. Not the slightest twitch.

He lifted his head and gingerly propped himself up on his elbows. His gut gave a twinge, and he realized he was overdue for one of Don's dosings of pain meds.

But the thought of pills hit him like a paper airplane, leaving hardly a sensation. Instead his focus was on the sheets covering him, the still shape of his legs.

Maybe if he was watching, his body would behave. He stared at his foot through the sheet, and willed it to rise.

Nothing happened.

Heat rose from his gut into his throat. He swallowed it down and dropped back onto the pillow.

Okay.

This wasn't happening. He was still asleep. That's all it was. He was having fucked up dreams brought on by guilt and stress. And beer.

Beer. Of course. Alcohol and pain pills mixing. That was supposed to do weird things to people.

He lifted his head again and glared at the sheet.

"Up." It came out rough, as if he hadn't used his voice in days.

Nothing.

His stomach bubbled up, hot and sick.

Okay, if he couldn't lift his foot, he could wiggle his frigging toes at least.

The sheet stayed mockingly still.

Jesus.

Raph swallowed and pushed himself up on one elbow. Ignoring the twist of pain in his stomach he reached down and lay his hand on his leg.

Don had told him once that people had a five-stage reaction to bad news. The first was denial. He'd handled that part.

Numbers two through five must have been panic, because that's exactly what he jumped to and where he stayed.

"Don?"

He had to clear his throat against the gravel. "Don?"

Leo's door was cracked open, and from beyond there was silence.

"Don?" He licked his lips and dropped back on his back. "Don? Don!"

Sounds outside. Footsteps. Too slow.

"Don!" It sliced into his throat, but he shouted even louder. "DON!"

This time the footsteps came towards him fast. Leo's door pushed open.

It was Mike. "Raph?" His eyes were huge, scared. But for some reason when he saw Raph there he grinned. "Raph!"

"Where's Don?" Raph couldn't say hi, couldn't wonder why Mike was happy to see him up rather than pissed and petulant. "Don?" He shouted again, trying to push himself up. "_Don_!"

"Hey, Raph, relax! You're gonna hurt yourself!" Mike moved to the bed.

The door opened again and there, finally, was Don. "Raph?"

"Don."

Don moved in, nudging past Mike. "Lay back." He spoke tersely, though his voice was gentle. His doctor voice - Raph had come to know it well.

Raph gripped his arm. "Don."

"Hey. Good to see you awake again." Don sat at the edge of the bed. "How are you feeling?"

Raph swallowed, wanting to just say Don's name again until the problem went away. "Don…" But he blinked. "Awake again? I was just…" Another sick feeling gripped him,

Don seemed to read it in his eyes. He nodded. "You've been unconscious for two days."

Jesus. Raph's breathing was getting faster. Two days out of it. The sheets around his legs wouldn't move.

Jesus.

He sank back, hand falling limp off Don's arm.

"It's not…" Don hesitated. His eyes were as gentle as his voice. "Well, I won't lie. It was serious and it scared us a little."

That's why Mike was glad to see him up. Raph looked over Don's shoulder at Mikey and shut his eyes. "Shit."

"Yeah, kinda." Don touched his arm. "How are you feeling?"

Raph swallowed. "I can't…" Saying it made it real. Ignore it and it would go away. He lay there, gripping the sheets on either side of his useless body. "Donnie…"

"Raph?" Don's voice was sharper then. "Is something wrong?"

When he answered he almost didn't recognized the weak, pinched version of his voice that came out. "I can't feel my legs."

Seconds ticked by. Raph kept his eyes screwed shut but could almost feel Don and Mike exchanging looks.

Don answered slowly. "Okay, be very specific with me here, Raph. You mean you can't move them?"

"I can't feel them." He pried a fist from the sheets and thumped it against his thigh. "I can't…there's nothing…" He hit himself again.

"Okay." Don took hold of his arm.

Raph opened his eyes and stared at him.

Don seemed lost in thought. His brow was furrowed. He absently took hold of Raph's hand and peeled his fingers out of the tight fist.

"Donnie?" Raph swallowed.

"Okay." Don nodded suddenly. "Okay. There are a few things it could be."

Raph looked past Don at Mike, at the horrified look on his face. He looked away again fast. Too late.

"How do you feel otherwise? How's this?" Don's hand lay feather-soft against Raph's bandaged midsection.

"Doesn't feel worse. I don't know. I'm kind of distracted."

Don stood up, dropping Raph's hand. "It might be a pinched nerve, or..." He looked down at Raph, almost clinical in his gaze. "I suppose you might be paralyzed."

Raph stared at him.

"You had to get up." Mike spoke suddenly, his voice hoarse. "You just had to ignore everyone and care about yourself and get up and move around. You knew. You knew this would happen."

"Mikey." Raph looked past Don. "No. I..."

Mike turned and walked out of the room.

Raph shut his eyes. "Donnie, please."

"Well. This isn't a hospital, Raph. I can't exactly x-ray you and see what's up. A pinched nerve could leave you numb for a while."

"What's a while?"

"An hour. A year." Don shrugged.

Raph stared at him, at the impersonal look on his face. "Donnie, come on. I'm not a fucking medical chart on a web site."

"I know that." Don looked over his shoulder at the door.

Raph frowned, and then he realized.

Don agreed with Mikey. He might as well have come out and told Raph that whatever this was it was his own fault, tough luck, sorry you're such an asshole, Raph.

"Let me look some things up." Don moved to the door.

Raph shut his eyes, remembering Leo's words. All the work Don did. All the things he had to do that had to be hell for Donnie. All the worrying, the research. The doubt. What Raph said last night…three nights ago…hadn't been enough. Don resented what he did, so much that he couldn't even work up a little sympathy now.

No. That was ridiculous. Don was Don, whether he was ticked off or not. Don didn't not care about things. It wasn't who he was.

Maybe he was just overtaxed. Maybe Raph had made him worry so much that he'd blown some kind of fuse and had gone blank.

Whatever it was, Raph watched him walk out the door and felt like Mike was right. This shit was all his own fault. He hadn't listened. He was who he was - stubborn, arrogant. Stupid.

Fuck, he'd barked those same words like a brag to Leo and Don the other night. I am who I am, and I would rather die than not be able to move around. I'd rather die than listen to advice or be a little patient, or…

And hell, he'd already broken his vow. If he'd been there for two days he must've pissed himself again.

Raph shut his eyes and brought his hands to his face. His fingers shook.

He hadn't won any battles walking around. He'd sabotaged the fight.

Made Don cry. Made Don, the gentlest fucking creature on the entire fucking planet, shed tears. Made Mike cry and worry and get so angry that he walked away from Raph when he needed help. Mike, who would never walk away from anyone.

Fucked Leo up how many fucking times through the years. And now, Leo hanging around because…

Raph laughed to himself, high and desperate. Who knew why Leo was doing what he was?

"Raph?"

Speak of the fucking devil.

Raph's hands slipped from his face to his bandaged gut. He opened his eyes and looked over at Leo.

Leo moved to the bed, fear in his eyes. "Are you alright?"

Raph shook his head. He told himself - Leo was worried. That didn't deserve whatever smart-assed response Raph would normally make.

"Why do you care?" His voice was dull when he finally spoke.

Leo hesitated.

"Really. Tell me. Why?"

"You know why."

"No." Raph swallowed. "And whatever answer I tell myself it is, it's not."

Leo moved to the bed, sitting in the spot Don had abandoned. "Why would you think that?"

Raph let out a breath. "You're my brother. You're obligated to care."

"No." Leo reached out and touched his hand.

Raph jerked away. "Stop it."

Leo froze, his hand in the air. He pulled it back after a wounded moment. "Raph, I've told you."

"No you haven't. And that's the problem."

Leo blinked.

Raph swallowed. "Since I woke up and you started this…this _thing_ with me, you've never once told me how you feel. And I know you, Leo. You never shut up about how you feel. So that must mean something."

Leo's brow furrowed. "That's not true."

"Yes it is." Raph brought his hand up to his face, shielding his eyes. "You know what you said? You said that I love you. You told me how I felt, not how you felt. You've spent all this time trying to convince me of how I feel about you, not the other way around."

There was silence. Raph peeled his hand back after a few moments and took in his brother's face.

Leo was looking out over him at the wall, thoughtful. Probably replaying every conversation they'd had since the start. Running through his own words. No doubt he remembered most of it.

Raph let out a breath and dropped his head to the side, away from Leo. "Just go. I can't deal with this right now."

"Raph."

He didn't answer. He stared at the wall.

Leo's weight lifted off the bed. After a moment the door shut.

He was alone again.

It was better. Alone he didn't do any harm.

There were four people in the world he called family. He had struck out at every one of them. He had hurt them all, in ways he would have killed anyone else for.

This was his reward. He was on his back and half his body was gone. Maybe an hour, maybe a year. Maybe forever. No way to know.

And he had no idea how to react to it. His normal way of reacting had caused all this. The pain, the injury. His brothers' tears. Who he was, this stubborn asshole who somehow wasn't happy with a loving family and legs that worked, had taken everything from him.

He felt, sudden and sharply, like Don. Like he had blown out a fuse, and was now blank. He had no idea how to feel, so he lay there feeling nothing.

Maybe that was defeat.

He had been beaten. Completely. Beaten by a bullet, his brothers, his body. His own mind. Leo's love and Don's worry and Mike's anger. If they all hated him, he had earned it. He had fought for their hatred as fiercely as he ever fought for anything.

The funniest part of it was, he didn't realize what he was fighting until he won.

He loved Leo. Of course he did. He had since he was too young to realize what it was he felt. He loved Leo while he was with Mikey. Loved Mike too, of course. Loved Don.

Hated himself.

The door opened, a slow creak that drew his reluctant gaze.

Splinter looked in, calm. Tea steamed from a mug in his hand.

Raph swallowed. Time to lose the last of them.

Splinter moved in, walking in a slow shuffle. He knew, then. He only moved like he was an old man when he was weighed down by news or fear. Or both.

He came in and reached the bed and stretched out the mug of tea. "You will need your strength," he said, his voice steady. Always steady.

Raph reached for the mug, but his fingers closed around Splinter's wrist. Instead of taking he tugged, and pulled himself up awkwardly, and the tea must have spilled but on his legs where he couldn't feel it.

He couldn't feel it, but he could feel Splinter's arms coming around him, and Splinter's furred chest against his cheek. He felt the jarring shake of sobs, the unfamiliar heat of tears on his face. He heard his own voice, clogged and keening.

Splinter didn't leave him.


	11. Chapter 11

Mike glanced behind the couch. He eyed the shut door into Leo's room.

He sighed and turned back. He grabbed the remote and turned the sound down even further than it was. Just in case. Had to keep his ears open. Anyway, he'd stopped focusing on the show about ten minutes ago, so it didn't really matter whether he could hear it or not.

He drummed his hand on his leg. Swords flashed on the screen. A lot of running and jumping and yelling.

He was supposed to be mad, damn it. He _was_ mad. Legitimately angry.

But it wasn't like Raph could get up if he needed something.

His own fault.

But. If he needed something…

Damn it.

Mike sighed and dropped the remote to the cushion beside his leg. He stared at the screen, watching mouths moving and robes blowing in the breeze.

He stood.

Don's door was still closed. Leo and Splinter were holed up in Splinter's room, the smell of Splinter's most calming incense filtering out.

It wasn't right for Raph to be alone.

He stood and moved around the couch, going to Leo's door. He tapped his knuckles against the wood. Almost too faint for anyone to hear.

There was no answer.

Mike drew in a breath and steadied himself. He threw his shoulders back, pasted a broad grin on his face, and moved through the door. "Hey!"

He moved in, and the air inside that room was so still that he couldn't help but imagine a Mike-shaped disturbance going through fog.

Raph lay still, right where Mike last saw him. His eyes were open, but his head didn't turn. He stared up at the ceiling.

Mike swallowed, but he didn't falter. "Hey, Raph. I had this thought. You ever think about what we'd be like if we were human?"

Raph didn't move.

Mike dropped right on the bed, throwing a knee up beside Raph's still arm. "I was wondering…I mean, I guess 'cause the humans we know best are April and Casey, right? So I always pictured myself as a white guy. But, man. Every episode of Afro Samurai I watch makes me wanna grow a big afro and talk like Sam Jackson." He grinned, trying to make his voice deep. "'I am number two!'"

Raph's face tilted. His eyes moved to Mike's face.

Mike beamed. "I think I'd be a good black guy."

Raph cleared his throat. "Mikey…" He spoke like it hurt. But he swallowed and tried again, and it was a little clearer. "You're the whitest guy I know."

"Hey!" Mike's grin took on some actual sincerity once Raph was looking at him. "Come on. Don and Leo are a little whiter."

Raph's mouth quirked, almost like he wanted to smile. But he drew a breath and it went away.

Mikey got the feeling Raph was keeping it hidden.

Raph looked back up at the ceiling. "Thought you were mad."

"You know me." Mike shrugged. "I don't have the attention span to hold a grudge." He reached out, slipping fingers over Raph's limp arm. "How you doing?"

Raph swallowed.

Mike let his grin fade. He lowered his voice a little, leaning over his brother. "Really, Raph."

Raph met his eyes. "I'm a little thirsty."

Mike felt his spine stiffen. He pulled his hand away, afraid Raph would feel him getting cooler.

He stood up and backed up a step. "Yeah? Um, I can get you some more water."

"Please."

Oh, man. Mike grabbed the glass from by the bed and offered a faint smile as he moved back out the door.

Outside Leo's room he hesitated, wide-eyed and worried.

He hadn't noticed it until he met Raph's eyes. He knew Raph, knew his moods and his expressions. He had seen his bro with every possible feeling behind his eyes. Even things Leo and Donnie had never seen. Mike knew him.

And he knew that whatever was in Raph's face now was wrong.

His eyes were dull. His voice was too soft.

Someone was home in that head, but it didn't seem like his Raphael.

Mike moved to the kitchen on heavy feet.

He went to the sink and filled Raph's glass, and for a minute he stood there, one hand braced against the edge of the counter. He stared at nothing, just thinking about the last few days. Weeks, even.

That one stupid fight in the alley. One wrong move. Leo turning his back on his enemy just because he thought he was harmless. Such a stupid mistake for Leo.

Raph had seen what none of them saw. He moved without hesitation. Had to've, to have gotten there in time.

And Mike went running ahead, tearing through the tunnels certain that his brother was dying and he was trying to escape it.

It wasn't fair. None of it. It wasn't fair that Raph was this hurt, or that he wouldn't listen to Donnie and stay off his feet. It wasn't fair that none of them knew what would happen.

"Mikey?"

He jumped, the glass nearly slipping from his clenched hand. Whirling, he sucked in a breath when he saw Leo standing in the doorway.

Leo smiled, wan. "Sorry."

"Yeah, what you just did right there? That was not cool." Mike plastered a smile back up and relaxed his death grip on the water glass. "How's it going, Leo?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

Mike shrugged.

Leo looked back over his shoulder. "It's about Raph."

There he was, tense again just like that. Mike moved to the table and set the glass down before he strangled it to death. "What about him?"

"I think I made a mistake with him."

Mike thought back on those dull brown eyes. "I think we all did," he said faintly.

"Hmm?"

Mike swallowed that thought down. "What'd you do?"

Leo studied him for a moment, and then sighed. "I know about you two. I mean…a lot of it. I don't know how you...if it would be weird for you to…"

Leo struggling for words was a rarity, and Mike held up a hand to cut it off. He smiled, almost sincere. "It's okay. I don't mind talking about him. Or any of that past stuff. It's not something I regret, you know."

"I'm glad." Leo looked back over his shoulder again. "I, uh…I don't suppose Splinter knows."

Mike laughed. "No. No way. Raph was scared to death of him finding out, too."

"Oh." Leo slumped a little as he turned back to Mike. "Well. Look, I don't want to make you rehash your past. I just…I did something stupid with Raph. I never actually told him how I feel."

Mike studied him, brow furrowed.

"I thought it would be hard enough getting him to admit how he felt." Leo frowned, rubbing at his neck. "Or maybe I wasn't willing to admit it myself, until I was sure how he felt. I think…I never even realized it, Mike. Not until he said something. I think I was a coward."

"Nah." Mike moved around the table, clapping a hand on Leo's shoulder. "You're no coward. And don't worry about words. Raph never did put much value in words."

Leo thought about that. "But…he told me…"

Mike met his eyes, as serious suddenly as he ever was about anything. "You love him?"

Leo's surprised gaze locked on his.

Mike held steady. "I mean really. In a non-leader, non-brother kind of way. Do you really love him, Leo?"

Seconds ticked by. Leo stayed silent.

Mike tensed the longer he went without answering. It occurred to him that Leo should have been able to say yes right off the bat if he did.

But then Mike studied his older brother's face, and he realized. Leo was simply considering it. He was giving the question focus, the thoughtfulness that he thought it deserved.

That was Leo's style.

Mike drew a breath. "You don't have to tell me yet. I know you like tossing these kinds of things around your lobes for a while. You should maybe give him a little space until you can say one way or the other, though."

Leo frowned, but his head gave a terse, slight nod.

Mike squeezed his shoulder. "As for what you've admitted, remember who it is we're talking about. When did Raph ever put what we say above what we do?" He smiled, though he couldn't help but feel wistful. He felt like he was handing Raph over to Leo, giving up on a dream that died a long time ago but still wasn't properly buried.

"Raph…" He spoke haltingly. "Raph will figure out how you feel from what you do. Make him believe it and you could go the rest of your life without ever having said the words, and he would be happy."

Leo studied him, a little trace of a smile returning to his face. "When you and he…" He let out a breath. "Did you…?"

Mike nodded. "I loved him, and he loved me. You ever watch one of Splinter's stories? You ever hear some melodramatic human tell another melodramatic human that sometimes love just isn't enough? Before Raph, I thought that idea was stupid. But it's not. Love should be enough to overcome anything, but it isn't."

Leo glanced over his shoulder suddenly, but relaxed and turned back to Mike. "I want it to be enough," he said.

Mike grinned wryly. "So did I." He grabbed the glass of water. "I gotta get this to him. You gonna go meditate some more?"

Leo smiled at that. "Is it that obvious?"

Mike shrugged. "To me, but I'm really remarkably smart."

"Yeah." Leo grinned, tapped him on the arm. "You are, sometimes."

Mike moved past him through the door. He looked out, but Splinter and Don were safely tucked out of sight. He remembered suddenly Leo's nervous looks back, and he stopped. "Hey, Leo?"

"Yeah?"

Mike turned back to him. "This is just a thought, of course, and I'm sure you can come up with things on your own and all, but…"

Leo smiled. "Spit it out, Mikey."

"Well." He nodded over at Splinter's closed door. "All that scared looking around you're doing?"

Leo's smile faded. He looked at Splinter's closed door.

"Seems to me that if you could face our sensei and admit to him that you feel a way you know he might not approve of, and maybe even ask for his blessing? Well, that would be a hell of a first step towards proving how you feel."

He turned before Leo could stammer out some answer. Even with his back turned he could feel Leo's sheer terror at the thought of confessing to Splinter.

Mike hoped he wasn't too scared, though. He hoped that Leo thought and meditated about it, and realized how much he loved Raph, and realized that Splinter's reaction, whatever it was, would be worth it.

Raph put so much of his faith in himself in what he could do. The little goals, like benching his own weight, or besting a dozen enemies in one night. In that bed Raph was denied those things, and his faith was already slipping away too far for Mike to be able to reach.

The dull-eyed version of Raph that he was taking that water to was a stranger, and maybe Leo could chase that stranger off and bring Raphael back.


	12. Chapter 12

_Author's Note - Yes, I was stuck. Hopefully that's done with. I want to thank TreeStar for a timely review with a simple request that managed somehow to unstick me. I know I'm bad about responding to feedback, but this is proof I at least read and adore it. _

* * *

He could still hear Raph's voice in his head, calling his name over and over again, building into a panic. Wanting help, wanting answers. Scared, and Raph was never scared. Not by anything.

But Don couldn't help him.

All he could do was mutter something vague about there being a few reasons it might be happening. He had to stare in the terrified eyes of his strongest brother and say he just didn't know.

Part of Don, the darker, inner part that he didn't like to listen to because it could be selfish and petty, said it was Raph's own fault. Why should Don kill himself looking for answers when Raph did it to himself, by disobeying at every chance the orders Don gave him.

But he wasn't really given to selfishness, and any time that petty voice piped up the rest of his brain supplied the image of Raph trying to get to the bathroom. Standing against the wall, clammy and almost cowering from fighting off their attempts to help.

Or saying that he would rather die than be in bed for the rest of his life.

Raphael was proud, and that wasn't a new thing. For Don to say he loved his brothers he had to love the good and the bad sides, and Raph's pride could be a very good thing at times. But Raph would let his pride kill him, and that Don wouldn't accept.

Don couldn't stop looking for answers. No more than he could walk away from one of them wounded by sword or shuriken, he couldn't leave Raph with frozen legs.

His brothers joked a lot, all through their lives, about Donnie being as good as a mother to them. In a way the jokes were accurate - as much as Leo tried to play father when Splinter gave him the authority, Don was left to patch wounds and soothe egos. Don was the one who worried about security and found ways in computers and books to set up alarms. He was the one who made sure they ate, and slept, and didn't train too hard all at once.

It was his job. He'd done it for so long that he became mother, and when Raph had woken up without feeling in his legs it was Don he yelled for. Don he begged for help.

How could anyone who cared about their family ignore that responsibility?

Don looked at his own hands and saw the hands that had pried a bullet from his brother. Those were the hands that saved his life, and the ones that might have been angled in just the wrong way to have touched the wrong nerve or jostled the wrong muscle and eventually paralyzed Raphael.

Responsibility. He took it up because it was in his nature, and Don was brave enough to take the bad with the good. If he owned up to saving Raph's life he would also own up to possibly hurting him worse.

And he would make it right. Because that's what mothers supposedly did.

* * *

The faint smoke-tinged scent of jasmine filtered through the door. The soft light from inside the room curled and danced on the walls. 

Leo drew in a breath and released it softly.

What right did he have to disturb his father, his sensei, in this peaceful room?

Splinter's rooms had always held a special place for Leo. Stepping through that doorway was an instant release from the loud, chaotic world outside. Meditation, quiet lessons, talks about art and beauty. It was a haven for him.

And for Splinter even more a haven. An escape from the four teenagers he had somehow managed to raise despite their impossible beginnings. A retreat to an old world he remembered only through instinctive memory - seen from the eyes of a common rat, and then remembered in the brain of Splinter as he was now.

Leo had no right to disturb that. He had no right to bring more chaos into Splinter's life, to present him with a reality he might find abhorrent somehow.

He didn't want his memories of that peaceful room to include something ugly. He didn't want to see Splinter's face curl in disappointment or disgust.

He couldn't do it.

Leo stepped away from the door, from the flickering candle light and the jasmine air. He turned.

His eyes stopped on the door to his bedroom, cracked open, sitting silent and dull.

He swallowed and drew in a breath.

Mike was right to make him think about this. Before a gunshot and a few mumbled words on an alley floor, he had never thought about Raphael as anything but a brother. An infuriating foe at times, a hotheaded teammate. But nothing else.

Maybe he was carried away by everything and really hadn't thought through his own feelings. Raph said the words - he could deny them all he wanted, but he had said them. Don had echoed it, apparently having seen Raph's love for years.

Years.

And Mike accepted it, smiling and warm as always.

But how did Leo feel?

Was he so surprised, so flattered, that he let himself get caught up in some strange human notion of love? Was he smug, because his most stubborn and most frequent foe confessed love, and with it weakness and vulnerability? Was he amused, disgusted? Anything? Everything?

Leo liked to think he knew himself well. He knew what he could do, what he needed work at. But in this he was at a loss.

He knew that when Raph's eyes opened the first time after he was shot - with Leo clutching his hand and calling for him - it felt like something real. When he thought of that lost look on Raph's face as he stood there moments before falling, calling for Leo...

He looked back at past fights and his mind focused on the burn of Raph's eyes when he was angry. The low growl in his voice when he defended something Leo had dismissed.

He had bathed Raph more than once while he was asleep, but the last time, when he was awake and aware...

There had been a moment. He looked from his work to Raphael's face, and he saw something he didn't have words for. Something beautiful. Something that wanted, longed, and couldn't be controlled.

Leo didn't doubt that if Raph had a choice, he wouldn't have chosen Leo. Maybe Mikey, who somehow got along with him despite his moods. Maybe Don, whose gentleness might have soothed his anger. Not Leo. Not the one he raged at so easily.

There was denial in Raph's eyes, every time the subject came up. Every time Leo came too close. Denial and an old pain.

But that was Raph. That was Raph's truth to deal with. Leo had to find his own.

If he never mentioned any of this again, it would be over. If he never countered Raph's last argument, never spoke to Splinter, they could simply go on as they were. It might be awkward now and then, but Raph was so good at keeping himself from the rest of them that there might even come a time that they'd forget this ever happened.

If he wanted, Leo could have life back the way he'd always known it.

He leaned against the wall beside Splinter's open doorway, looking out with blank eyes. He could have Raph as the irritating, disobedient brother again. Nothing more. No more hoarse denials, no more heated looks. Nothing but more of the same.

The idea made him draw in a breath, and the twist in his chest was so tangible he actually raised a hand to his plastron, to soothe the ache.

And there it was. Really, it was that simple.

Maybe Leo hadn't considered it before now, but now that he had it seemed the only right thing. He wanted to see what Raph might be like under his shields. He wanted Raph to say those words from the alley again - love you - but with his eyes wide open and a smile on his face.

He wanted to know Raph as more than the dark cloud glaring from the distance. He wanted to know how Raph loved, and how Leo could love him back.

But was that enough to face his father, to introduce ugliness into that peaceful room to prove to himself, and to Raph, that he was serious?

He rubbed at his chest absently.

A moment later he was inside Splinter's room, waiting for permission to move in further.

* * *

The words were starting to blur on the screen, and when he had to squint to finish sentences Don finally gave up, sitting back in his chair and sighing in frustration. 

On his desk were books opened to tabbed pages, and from the pile he pulled the top one.

Psychology, and that wasn't exactly a specialty of his. He preferred the cold facts and decisive charts of physical problems, not the speculation and uncertainty of mental ones. But this could offer a solution, and he wasn't about to let an answer slide through his fingers by limiting his research.

He was just about halfway through the first paragraphs in the marked section when he realized he had no idea what he'd just read. He was skimming the words but absorbing nothing.

Grimacing he dug the heel of his hand into his eyelids, ordering himself to wake up, focus. This was too important, and he had an entire family counting on him.

When his hand dropped to his lap and his eyes peeled open again, Mike was sitting on his bed.

He jumped, but only a little. "I didn't hear..."

Mike grinned. "Ninja."

Don tried on a wan smile of his own. "Right. Look, I'm kind of in the middle of something right now."

"I know."

Don waited, but Mike didn't move from the bed. He cleared his throat after a moment. "So I should get back to it."

"That's debatable."

He blinked.

Mike cocked his head, studying Don. "When's the last time you got any sleep?"

Don hesitated just a moment too long. "I slept last night."

"Uh huh." Mike smiled and stood, moving to the desk. "I'm gonna guess that you passed out with your face in one of these books and woke up an hour later and got right back to work."

Don's eyes dropped. His face felt suddenly warm.

"See how wicked smart I am?" Mike's hand came down on Don's shoulder, a warm pressure. "So here's what I think. I think you should shut the books and unplug the computer and get a solid nine hours of snore time in."

"If I could, I wou--"

"Of course you can. You've got that nice big bed over there, and frankly you look so awful I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't be website surfing for a cure for whatever it is you've come down with."

Don smiled, but spoke firmly. "I can't. There's too much to do here."

Mike hesitated. "Don...I don't wanna have two brothers out of commission."

"Mike." Don drew in a breath, trying not to snap at his brother. Mike never meant badly, but this kind of harping was exactly what Don didn't need. "Look. Every one of these books represents a different theory about what might be wrong with Raph." He gestured at the overflowing desk. "Until I know every possibility, I won't know how to handle snapping him out of it. If I don't figure that out, he's going to be stuck in that bed until he's _gone_. And you know what I mean by that."

Mike winced, his eyes averting.

Don took that as triumph. "Now get out of here. I know I need to rest, but I can't until I get through this. Which means all you're doing is slowing me down."

Mike looked back at him, head cocked to the side, just slightly. Just at the slight tilt that meant his eyes were suddenly seeing more than they had been before.

Don faced him, steady, but something in the back of his mind was telling him to stop. "You want to go bother someone, bother Raph. I'm sure he would appreciate it."

"But you--"

"I'm not looking for help. And I'm sure not looking for someone to diagnose my problems." Don spoke lowly, as much a growl as he could manage. "Leave me alone."

Mike stood and moved to the door.

Don watched him go, waiting until his door was shut before he breathed out air and slumped in his chair.

Guilt was instant in its attack, making its way up his spine and into his throat until he had to swallow down something like nausea. He turned around and hiked the textbook onto his desk.

_Occasionally the patient may present with genuine medical illness prior to or during the course of somatization disorder. In such instances, the somatic complaints are far beyond the expected actual manifestations of the_

Man, his head was starting to hurt. If he wasn't so out of it he wouldn't have ordered Mikey around like a jerk.

He hadn't said anything unforgivable, at least. Compared to Leo and Raph, who used words as weapons often, he'd been downright gentle. He had too much to worry about to spare his brother's feelings.

Anyway, Mike bounced back from things.

_Psychodynamic factors provide the most interesting frame for thinking in the attempt to understand the drive behind somatic disorders. These factors include repressed hostility, anger, alxithymia, and using bodily metaphors to communicate an unconscious conflict or express emotional distress._

And honestly, considering how tired Don was and how bad Raph's condition was getting, he thought he handled himself well.

Don sighed and rubbed at his eyes again. Face it, he told himself. You're just not good at being rude. He almost envied Raph the talent. It was hard to sort out how Raph could so easily snap at them, though. Did he not notice how badly they were hurt, or did he just not feel any guilt about--

Okay. Work. He had to stop his thoughts trailing off. Bad enough he could blather about things out loud, he should at least be able to control his own thoughts.

_Psychopharmacalogical interventions may be useful, especially when depression, anxiety, or panic symptoms coexist with Somatization_

A smell, something rich and wonderful, suddenly filtered through his sleep-deprived senses.

"Here."

He turned in his chair, drawn more by the smell than the voice, and his hands snapped out of their own accord and latched onto the steaming cream-colored mug. He drew it in and inhaled, and just the smell of coffee was enough to sharpen his vision and improve his posture.

He looked out past the steam.

Mike smiled. "If you can spare a few minutes, there's dinner. I'll even bring it to you so you don't have to move."

Don's face fell. The guilt that was making itself at home in his spine gave a wrenching twist. "Mikey..."

"I'll take that as a yes." Mike grinned and shot out the door again.

Don shut his eyes, breathing in the coffee. He took a small sip, and it was just as wonderful as it smelled.

His stomach gave a loud, gravelly rumble when he swallowed, and distantly he wondered how long it actually had been since he went out and got himself some food.

Mike was back before he could piece his movements together. He had one of Splinter's trays in his hand, and on a plate steamed three huge triangles of--

"Pizza?" Don smiled before he could stop himself, or remember to be serious.

Mike rolled his eyes. "_Kind_ of. It's just the frozen store kind. Case brought it from him and April when he was here. Anyway, it's good enough for now."

Don's stomach gave another embarrassing gurgle, and he chuckled quietly. "I guess I can't refuse."

"Good." Mike moved to the desk and nudged some books out of the way, fortunately being careful not to shut any open pages or disrupt and of Don's clumsy scribbled notes. He set the tray down and stood back. "You sit and eat, and I'll take over worrying for now."

"You're going to worry for me?"

"Sure." He shrugged. "Oh, hang on." He grabbed the tray just as Don's hand was about to close on a slice of pizza. "Come here. Eat on the bed. I can't be a serious worrier and all without a big important desk to sit at."

Don groaned, but pushed to his feet and followed Mike obediently.

Mike set the tray on his mattress and took the coffee from Don's hand to put on the table beside the bed. "Now. Sit. Eat."

Again, Don obeyed.

Mike went to the desk, but wheeled Don's chair over towards the bed and dropped into it.

Don took a small bite of pizza, feeling like he was under scrutiny. The moment he swallowed that first bite, though, he wasn't thinking about scrutiny anymore. He was devouring first that slice then another, and he wasn't sure that he even breathed until he was halfway through the last one.

When he recovered his wits and could slow down to nibble a bit on the final crust, he lifted his eyes to Mike and didn't even bother excusing himself. "You're better than I deserve, Mikey."

Mike grinned. "I know. So you owe me a favor now."

"Do I?" Don swallowed a few gulps of cooler coffee, sighing in pleasure. "I'm sure you've got one all thought up already."

"Yep. Lay down."

Don blinked.

Mike nodded at the bed. "You owe me."

"And you want me to lay down?"

Mike nodded.

Don hesitated, but smiled and scooted further onto the bed, sliding his legs up around the empty tray. "You just fed me a giant cup of coffee. This isn't going to put me to sleep."

He settled back, though, and somehow the moment he was horizontal his entire body seemed to sigh, to want to stretch out and unfurl from the hours of huddled studying. Like his center of gravity suddenly changed, melting him flat and heavy on the bed.

Mike appeared at his side, sitting on the edge beside him. "I have a confession to make," he said with a smile.

Don's eyelids seemed to be under the same spell his body fell under, but he kept them open and focused on Mike with a bit of effort. "Do tell."

"The coffee? Was decaf."

Don groaned, but it was faint and insincere. He was too comfortable where he was to complain with any real heat. And okay, he hadn't slept enough or eaten enough to be fully functional, so maybe Mike had a point.

A warmth on his face made his eyes open again - right after he realized they were closed - and he blinked up at Mike.

"It's okay." Mike's hand smoothed over his temple again, slow and gentle. "Stupid genius, trying to kill yourself just like Raph is."

"'m not," Don protested, thick and low. His eyes shut and he didn't bother fighting it.

"Are too. Anyway, if there's answers in those books we'll find them. At least we know Raph has to stay in bed until we do."

Don grinned. "Not funny," he murmured, leaning his face in to Mike's touch.

"No, not really. But true." Mike leaned in closer - Don could feel the air around him warming. "See you in the morning, genius." There was a press of warmth against his temple, a kiss, and then the warmth was gone.

Don pried his eyes open, watching Mike gather up dishes. He smiled before he could fight it - even sleep couldn't have driven that smile back. "You know something?"

Mike glanced back. "What?"

"I could read every book I've got, but there's something about Raph I'll never figure out."

"Yeah?"

"Mmm." Don curled on his side. "What was wrong with him that could possibly keep him from being cheered up by you."

Mike seemed surprised by that. "You said it yourself when we talked about him. If he was right for me, I would've been enough."

"In that case," Don said, voice thick and drowsy, "I'm starting to be glad he's a miserable jerk."

Mike blinked. He looked down, and a darker green flush stole over his face. His mouth curled up in a small, somehow private sort of smile.

But Don's eyes slipped shut again before he could interpret it, and his thoughts went fuzzy at the edges. If Mike answered he didn't hear it.

He was distantly aware of the press of another warm kiss on his forehead, and he had a sudden clear thought come through the fog:

Maybe he wasn't the only mother in the family.

* * *

Leo dropped to his knees gracefully, his hands resting on his thighs. 

Across from him Splinter sat, a solid presence amid the flickering light of the dozen or so candles around him. He waited, but when Leo didn't speak right away he gave a slight smile in offering.

"My son. Your troubles are so loud in your mind that they carry into mine. It isn't meditation you've come for, so what is it?"

Leo drew in a breath and looked down at his hands. He spoke slowly, as fitting the words of a son about to forever change his relationship with his father. "I need guidance. There are feelings I have...thoughts as well. And I'm not sure if they're right or wrong."

"Yes, you are."

Leo looked up at that, eyes wide.

Splinter smiled. "You know if these feelings are right for you. Only the least self-aware mind in the world could doubt something like that, and you are hardly that. We all have instincts, we all have conscience. We know whether our feelings are right for us. What we doubt is whether they are right in the context of the world around us."

For a jarring moment Leonardo would have sworn that Splinter already knew why he was there and was speaking specifically.

But, no. The words might have fit any other troubled thoughts Leo had.

He nodded finally. "They're right. For me."

"Leonardo." Splinter's smile faded. "Our world is smaller than the world aboveground. We have this family, and that's all we have. Are you so doubtful about what your family might say in reaction to these thoughts of yours?"

"No." Leo drew a breath. "Not my family. Only my father."

Splinter's eyes sharpened, but his face didn't change. He nodded once. "Between you and I, even more than your brothers, there have been few secrets."

"That's why I'm here." Leo fell silent, though, his breathing faster than it had been minutes ago. It shouldn't be so hard. It shouldn't have felt so consuming. "I wouldn't proceed without your consent. I wouldn't act if it goes against your will. If you tell me it defies your teachings..." He stopped then, because he was already talking himself out of saying anything. His habit was to be more direct than this, especially with Splinter. This talking around the issue did them all a disservice.

And as he spoke the words he wasn't entirely convinced of them. Would he be able to abandon this so easily if Splinter objected? He wasn't sure, and Splinter would see that.

Splinter sat, silent, giving him time.

Leo swallowed and sat up straight, looking his father in the eye. "My feelings for one of my brothers has changed. Has become something new entirely."

For a moment, nothing. Then a short, terse nod and Splinter's eyes left Leonardo and shuttered in thought.

It was the worst kind of torture. Leo's palms felt damp and warm, and the smoke of the incense was starting to burn his eyes, though it normally didn't bother him.

He caught himself holding his breath, and released a shuttered sigh. He couldn't read anything on Splinter's face. He had no idea if his few words were enough, if Splinter might be mistaking his intent. But he didn't speak. He doubted he could have if he wanted to.

When Splinter stirred, a minute or ten might have gone by. He turned his face back towards Leo, and softly cleared his throat. "When you and your brothers were transformed, you were infants. Too young to retain any memories of an animal life. For myself, I was already old for my species. Without the mutagen I might have lived another few months, perhaps a year. Not more. My entire life - three years of it, you understand, but an entire lifetime to a rat - had already gone by."

Leo sat silent, his eyes down, respectful.

"An animal's mind...it is a very different thing than these minds we have developed. I saw and understood a good deal, but I knew much less. Things were simple. Humans have a thousand words for something as simple as 'snow', but for an animal there aren't a hundred things in this world that need to be identified. Food, shelter, water. Procreation." His mouth curved up slightly.

Leo's throat worked. No, Splinter hadn't misunderstood his words.

"My dilemma has always been, with which side of myself do I approach particular situations? With my animal mind, the one natural to me, or this mutated brain I have lived with so much longer, and used to grasp so much more than I ever knew." He hesitated, his dark eyes drifting off again. "As an animal, I am well aware that there is no one in the world, and will never be anyone, with which I might continue my line. I am alone, to live out this extended life and die leaving nothing of myself behind." Splinter raised a hand, palm out.

Leonardo's mouth shut, and his automatic protest was swallowed back.

Splinter nodded. "For you, my sons, the struggle is similar. You will never reproduce. You are not alone - you have each other - but in terms of mates and children, you are as alone as I am." He smiled suddenly, thin and edged. "You come to me in such despair because you expect the part of me that is human will object. For which human reason should I? He is your brother - we assume, though of course four turtles in one small bowl might have any number of different parents. Then again, in the animal world siblings frequently reproduce together. In the animal world, males trapped in zoo cages with only other males will often choose one as companion, even as sexual partner. I understand in the human world there are those who object to like genders mating."

Leo was starting to regain the ability to breathe on his own. His eyes were on Splinter by then, locked and hopeful, and something bright was stirring in his chest.

Splinter sighed. "I am not human. Nor are you. Our bodies are in between animal and human, and so our lives are also in between." He reached out suddenly.

Leo didn't hesitate, grasping his father's furred hand tightly.

"I consider you my children - that is the human side of me. As a parent I wish only for happiness and long lives for you all. As a sensei..." He hesitated.

Leo's dawning relief was muted.

Splinter looked out at the room and Leo followed his gaze: the screen paintings and calligraphy, the books on shogun and Buddhism, the arts and philosophies he had tried so hard to teach them.

"As a sensei I teach you to fight, and I attempt to teach focus, and honor, and duty. Those are things both human and animal can value. The more narrow sides, the lists of dos and don'ts, the mandates about how to behave, those are meant for life aboveground. We alter those rules, embrace what we can and consider the rest to be helpful suggestion." He turned back to Leo. "All of which is to say, as a sensei I am not fit to judge you in this matter."

Leonardo spoke softly. "As your son, I would like to know what you think."

"Beyond all my battling instincts, you mean?" Splinter chuckled, rasping and low. "If we who are destined to be alone can find companionship and love with each other, what is there to stop us?" He met Leo's eyes suddenly. "If at this moment, when my Raphael lies in the darkest hour of his dark life, you desire to make him happy, how could I object? Why should I? How could any parent refuse a child's happiness if it is in their power to give it?"

Leo breathed in. "You..."

Splinter smiled. "I'm not entirely blind, my son."

A laugh sprang from Leo, shocked and stuttered. "I don't know why I still manage to be surprised by how much you know about everything."

Splinter shrugged. "It is the duty of a parent to keep a child in awe."

Leo laughed more sincerely then. His nervousness had vanished, swept away by Splinter's smiles and gentle words.

But even as he laughed Splinter's expression changed. "Leonardo, there is one matter that might give me pause before I grant you my blessings."

Leo's expression schooled itself, but he couldn't manage to feel the nervousness return. He knew how Splinter felt, and anything else could be got over. "Please, tell me."

"You are more than a brother to my other three sons." Splinter regarded him. "You are the leader in a team of ninja. You must be impartial. If you for a moment allow changing feelings towards one brother to affect your commands in battle, then the team is lost. If you hesitate, if you endanger the group to save the one..."

Leonardo held up his hand.

Splinter nodded for him to speak.

And it was somehow easy. He smiled as he spoke. "You're asking if I could love Raphael and be an impartial leader. No. I can't." He kept going before Splinter could speak. "I can't be impartial now because I have never been impartial before. You taught me about leadership but there are lessons I've always failed. I have never managed to distance myself from my team."

It occurred to Leo as he spoke that this would be a first for him - a proud confession of a lesson not learned. "Would I risk Mike and Don to save Raph if he were in danger? I would. I have. I wouldn't hesitate to risk Raph and Mike because it was Don in trouble. My love for Raphael has changed - not grown, just changed. I love Mikey as much, and Don as much. They are my brothers. I would risk all of us for one of us, no matter who that one is. That's the way it's always been, and I'm confident that my failure to grasp the importance of detachment is a permanent flaw."

Splinter met his eyes. After only a beat his smile returned. "Then my concerns are addressed."

Leo held his breath. "Then..."

Splinter nodded. "You have my blessing. Be happy. Be confident that your father supports you." He glanced at the closed door, and gave a small sigh. "Bring our Raphael back to us, if you can."

Leo grinned, but only a moment later he noted the slump in Splinter's shoulders, and the less-than-hopeful end to what should have been happy words.

_If you can_.


	13. Chapter 13

On the table beside Leo's bed - Raph's bed now - was a pile of red fabric. That fabric held most of Raphael's attention lately, and it was only getting worse as time went on.

There were a couple of reasons for that. The first, obviously, was what the fabric was. Mike, in one of his endless attempts to cheer Raph up, had brought down a bunch of things from his room. Raph's CD player, some comics Raph had stolen from Mike's collection. And his bands.

There they lay, useless in a limp pile. Just like Raph.

He'd slipped the eyeband on once, just to remind himself how it felt. Looking at the world from inside a peripheral circle of red had been jarring. It was so fucking long since he'd worn the thing, and he jerked it off after just a few seconds and dropped it on the table, where it lay now.

Because he wasn't a ninja anymore. He wasn't a fighter. He might have been again one day, but suddenly his legs were gone. That life, suddenly, was gone. Which gave the red fabric a whole new meaning, and a new, distracting purpose there on that table.

It was funny, in a way. If Raphael was anyone else he would have been alright. If this had happened to any one of his brothers...

Mike would have dealt with the blow and found a way to be satisfied with a life of TV and comics. Don would have fine-tuned his new position, whipping out communication devices, making his computers another weapon to aide when the other three went aboveground. Don of all of them would have been content, because he would have been of use.

Leo? He'd've been a wreck, same as Raph. But he would've dealt with it. Considered it some spiritual challenge, and somehow he'd've been alright.

Not Raph. Not when everything he had to give was physical. He was a fighter, and that's all he was. Mike was heart, Don was brains, Leo was spirit. Raph was nothing.

In his darkest moments he wondered if he shouldn't have let Leo take the bullet that was meant for him. Stupid, useless thought, because he never would. All the dark thoughts in the world didn't change who Raph was. He would have jumped in front of Leo, in front of any of them, no matter what.

No, if he could go back to that day and change anything, he would change only one thing: he would have dove lower and let the bullet catch him right in the head.

Because, when he had to think about it - and he had nothing anymore but time and silence and nothing worked but his brain and all he could fucking do anymore was _think_ about it - he realized that the only tragedy was that he hadn't died all at once.

If he had died they could have mourned him and dealt with the grief. They could have moved on.

Instead he lingered, and he watched Don come in more grave and weary every day, and Mike's smiles grew more fake, and Leo got more distant. Because they were mourning every fucking day they had to come in and see him just as bad, just as useless, helpless...

Shit.

They were trapped the same way he was. Stuck in this weird limbo. Waiting for some miracle that wasn't going to happen. He was costing them.

He went through pain pills, went through sheets like a fucking infant - and wasn't it pathetic that his one trip to the bathroom was apparently going to be the high point of his fucking life? He ate food and drank water and took up all this space, and he didn't give a thing for it.

A burden.

That's all he was, and all he ever would be.

Of course he knew they loved him, and they'd fight him with real ferocity if they knew what he was thinking. But that just made it worse, really. Because Raph was lost. He was. He was _gone_, but it was happening a little bit day after day, not all at once.

Should've let the bullet hit him in his fucking head. Damn the Purple Dragon for not being a better shot.

Which, actually, led him back to the bands that sat on the table by his bed, and the other reason why he was thinking about them more and more lately.

"Raph?"

He turned his head, tugging himself slowly out of his thoughts. _Move slowly_, he reminded himself. _Don't talk fast._ He was supposed to be medicated.

But it wasn't Don that stood there, it was Mike. Glass of water and bottle of pills in hand, and a smile on his face, so Raph could relax a little and not worry about mimicking the effects of those killer pain pills.

He cleared his throat - he wasn't talking a lot these days. "Hey."

Mike moved in, eyes moving over Raph's face so intently it almost felt like a touch. "So. I know you get some of these pills about now. How you feeling?"

Raph shrugged. He didn't hurt anymore - hard to hurt when half his body was fucking numb. But Don hadn't questioned his request for more, stronger pain medication. "Okay," he said finally.

Mike came right up to the bed and sat with a thump. "I was thinking. We should ask Casey and April to see if they can't find up a TV somewhere, and we could set it up in here. I can finally get you hooked on some of my shows, so you can't make fun of me anymore for watching them."

Raph almost smiled. "Yeah, I don't think Leo wants a TV in here."

"Well, come on. It's your room too, now. More than his. Actually I think he really likes your hammack, because he's sleeping longer every day. Getting practically lazy."

Raph's trace of a smile vanished. Getting lazy. They were all in fucking limbo, weren't they? His brothers hadn't been patrolling, or training, or anything. They were stuck. Waiting.

Mike stretched out the glass of water. "Here."

"It's quiet." Raph took the glass. "Where is everybody?"

"I put Don to bed. Kinda forced the issue, actually." Mike grinned. "Leo? I think..." There was a strange gleam in his eyes. "I think he's talking with Splinter."

Whatever caused Mike's grin to grow, Raph didn't know. But he forced a smile in response and thought to himself, _good. It's quiet._

He looked at Mike's hands suddenly, at the bottle he'd brought in.

Raph had never been one for predestination, and fate, and that other higher-power crap that Leo and Splinter believed in. But this was luck. Of some kind, anyway.

He took the pill bottle from Mike, nice and easy. "Just leave 'em. Let Don sleep in the morning. I know he's been working hard."

Mike shrugged. "Whatever. You know, I could bring some books in or something. Some of that stuff Don's got is actually a little bit interesting."

"That's alright."

"But it's so quiet in here." Mike looked out at the room, and when he looked back at Raph his grin was gone. "I don't like you being in here all alone in the quiet. You think...we could move you into the living room?"

Raph snorted, more bitterly than he'd intended. "And never get a private second? No thanks."

"But."

Raph reached out. He lay his hand on Mike's arm. "Look. I know you're worried, but it's fine. Things are gonna be fine, okay?"

Mike smiled faintly, but took Raph's hand in his. "You're cold." He rubbed Raph's hand between his palms. "Anyway, when did you turn into an optimist?"

"I'm not," Raph answered. "Just...it can't really get much worse."

"Raph." Mike's hands slowed, his eyes going bleak. "Come on. Don says there's a good chance this is just temporary. And Leo...Leo's talking to Splinter."

Raph didn't bother to ask why that was important. He tugged his hand away from Mike. "I'm gonna sleep, okay?"

Mike frowned, but stood slowly. "I think things are going to get better, Raph. In a lot of ways they are. You just have to keep fighting until they do."

Fighting. Raph smiled to himself, dark and bitter. "Yeah. Thanks."

Mike blinked, his frown growing deeper. As if he saw something in Raph's face he didn't like.

And Mike really would see it. Mike knew him, better than any of his brothers. Raph felt a sudden, tight curl of affection in his gut. It came up so bright, so out of nowhere, that it almost made his eyes water. "Hey. Mikey. Don't worry so much, okay? You shoulda stopped worrying about me a long time ago."

Mike breathed in, almost a sniffle. He smiled at that, faint. "You know better than that."

"Yeah." Raph held his hand out.

Mike didn't hesitate, moving back to the bedside and grasping his hand tightly. "You scare me lately."

"Sorry."

"You should be."

Raph smiled. "Thanks. You know? For everything. You've always been sweeter than I deserve."

"I'm sweeter than anyone deserves." Mike's grin returned, smaller than his old grins but better than the sad smiles he'd been giving lately. "You shout if you need anything."

"I won't need anything else." Raph dropped his hand. "Get some sleep."

"You too, hero." Mike moved to the door, and with only a brief glance back he left.

Raph sat for a long time, watching the door. His hand brushed the bottle of pain pills Mike had left, and he wrapped his fingers around it and held on tight.

His eyes finally moved to the other side of the bed, the table. The red eye band lying in its heap. He reached over. His finger pushed aside the top strip of the band, and in the middle of the fabric a pile of white pills sat waiting.

Don didn't bother watching him swallow anymore. It had been Raph's request to keep taking the pills, why would he ask if he didn't want them?

It was awkward, pushing away the eyeband without losing any of the pills. He picked them up, one by one, and dropped them into the pill bottle with the others. There were too many to fit - Don must've had to ask Casey to bring more.

More than a bottle. More than enough. He just hoped there was enough water in the glass to get them all down.

Raph dropped his head back against the headboard of the bed. He shut his eyes.

It was cowardice. It was giving up. He knew that, and hated it. He'd let his family down. But it was final. They could mourn and move on, the way they should have been able to in the beginning.

If he had his legs he would have left, gone somewhere else and done this where they wouldn't have to deal with it. But he didn't.

And that was the crux of the matter. He didn't have his legs. He wasn't anything anymore. He wouldn't allow himself to linger, to last years as nothing more than sheets that needed to be changed. It was selfish, maybe, but he was who he was. He could go out now a quitter, or go out eventually a feeble withered lump in a bed. That was his choice and he'd made it.

If he was anyone else...there would be reason to keep going. If he had anything to hold on, anything besides a family that hurt every time they looked at him...

He was supposed to be the strong one. Funny that he was giving up because of something any of them would have survived. He was the weakest of the chain after all.

Raph opened his eyes and let out a breath. He looked at the full bottle, and the few pills on his bedsheet that had spilled over.

"Sorry, guys," he said into the silence.

It was as much a note as he'd leave.


	14. Chapter 14

_Author's Note: Um. Hi. Here's this. I think it's an ending. I could promise to write a sequel or keep it going, but I think we all know by now that it might take another year to get to either of those. So I'm leaving it like this as if it's an ending, and if inspiration strikes I'll take it up again. _

_So, yeah. Sorry for the wait. _

* * *

It was almost funny. Raph had held a thousand different weapons in his hands. He'd handled blades and staffs, clubs and poisons, explosives. Even guns. He hadn't used them all, hadn't killed with them, but he handled them knowing they were fatal. Splinter had taught them all very young to respect the innate power in weapons. To never treat them casually. To always remember what ends they could achieve.

But nothing in his life had ever intimidated him as much as a small orange bottle rattling with tiny white pills.

He had faced death before. He had looked it in the eye, snarled his defiance. Invited it closer. He had grinned in the face of death, laughed. Felt his blood charging and knew what it was to be really _alive_.

It figured that when his own death finally caught up, it would be a dull, lifeless moment. It would be heavy, not light. Oppressive, not enlivening.

Maybe that's how he knew it was finally real. That's how he knew for certain that the pills would work – they would be enough, they would stay in his system, and they would kill him. He wouldn't escape it like he had all the other deaths he had faced down.

Good. That was the idea.

He tipped the bottle of pills into his palm and smiled, faint and sad. They'd forgive him, someday. Leo would go inward, Don would shut himself up in his books and computers, Mike would lose that sparkle of life he always had. But someday...someday they'd forgive him. He could trust that. He knew his brothers.

He could hear them in his head, practically. Even if he never believed them, he could always hear them.

He could hear them. And suddenly, like never before, he wanted to listen.

* * *

_"I won't need anything else."_

The words stuck in Mike's head, even as he moved around the kitchen absent-mindedly tugging out ingredients for dinner.

I won't need anything else, he said. And thanks, he said. For everything.

Mike wasn't an idiot. His was a brain that was raised on empathy, philosophy, and hour upon hour of after-school specials and melodramatic soap operas on TV. His brain rehashed Raph's words. The thanks, the 'get some sleep', and especially the 'I won't need anything else.' Mike's brain worked those words over, along with Raph's sudden bland peace, his sudden half-hearted optimism that things would get better.

His sense of empathy was confused towards Raph lately, and philosophy wasn't any real help.

The TV shows, though. How many times had he watched one of Splinter's soaps, watched some makeup-caked woman with tears in her eyes waver out a 'see you later, Roderick' and then pick up a gun the moment she was alone and point it at her own head? It was cliché, practically. As often as Mike yelled out to some character not to sleep with some other character because it'd just turn out they were brother and sister – and it always turned out that way – he had yelled at whatever Roderick was on the screen not to leave the room, because the dumb woman was just gonna talk to herself for a minute and then shoot herself.

Or try to shoot herself but end up grazing her brain and getting put in the hospital with amnesia so she could forget Roderick and hook up with some other dude. Who would turn out to be her brother.

Okay, but putting aside Splinter's love of horrible television, the point was that there was an air in Raph's room that reminded Mike of those TV scenes. An air of surrender. Putting on a brave face. Speaking with finality. 'I won't need anything else.' Not 'I'm all set for the night' or 'I'll call if I need you.'

_I won't need anything else._

Mike considered the issue as he grabbed a knife to slice up some veggies. Stir fry would be quick enough, and Splinter'd be proud of him for making something healthy. Even Raph couldn't turn up his nose at a good stir fry.

He stared at the knife in his hand, watched it slice through an onion. Didn't acknowledge the sting in his eyes – maybe that was the point of cutting the onion first. He watched his hands doing this repetitious thing that required no thought, and he wondered absently why he wasn't already back in Leo's room, checking on Raph and making sure he wasn't doing anything stupid.

His instinct was tugging, and those words of Raph's were stuck in his head, but he was standing there cutting vegetables. Why?

Maybe he finally accepted the fact that if Raph was going to kill himself, he would find a way sooner or later. Maybe some freak spark of maturity was guiding Mike suddenly, telling him that if Raph was thinking of doing something drastic, the only one who could talk him out of it was Raph himself.

Maybe some dark side of Mike thought Raph would be better off dead.

He didn't know, but he stood there all the same. Slicing onion, slicing peppers, slicing shining pale strips of raw chicken. He loved Raph, and if Raph died he would never stop grieving. He would never forgive himself for standing there, making dinner and _knowing_, but not doing anything to stop it. Never forget the...

His hand and the knife stilled mid-slice.

The bottle of pills Raph so casually took from his hand.

Slowly his hand began cutting again, but his breathing was ragged and it wasn't the onion making his eyes burn now. Raph would be dead, and Mike would be an accessory to suicide. Don would never forgive him for making him sleep. Leo would never get over facing his fear and talking to Splinter too late to do anyone any good.

They'd fracture apart. They'd die. All of them. And not the easy way. Not Raph's way: fighting and snarling and pushing it to come faster. No, they'd die in a slow, horrible, lingering way. They'd choke to death, every breath drawing in guilt and anger and loss and resentment until it clogged their lungs like quicksand and strangled life out of them.

Mike wasn't a pessimist. He wasn't given to bleak thoughts, or drawn-out metaphors about choking to death on guilt. He wasn't used to the sudden hard curl in his gut that told him things would probably happen that way, that things were going to get as bad as they could get and that was the only option left. It was black and cold, this mood that suddenly pushed over him. Poisonous. Bitter.

Real. Maybe the first real emotion he ever had, without his usual brainless idiot optimism blocking the way.

He set the knife down and shut his eyes, curling his fingers around the edge of the counter. He didn't move.

* * *

Leo always felt invigorated as he left Splinter and his peaceful, powerful rooms behind. Usually he was fresh from meditating, and his head was clear and his spirit was cleansed. This time...

He chuckled to himself as he shut the door behind him. This time his reasons were a lot less spiritual and a lot more...basic? Physical? Selfish?

Carnal?

The thought made him laugh, and he looked around the quiet front room. There, in the kitchen...

"Mike!" Leo headed over. "You cooking?" He spotted neatly sliced piles of veggies and grinned even bigger. "I feel like I just fought an entire war, I could probably eat everything in the..." He trailed off. He was happy, relieved, even cheerful, but he wasn't blind. Mike wasn't moving, wasn't responding. He was standing at the counter like he was caught in some trance.

Leo's grin faded as he moved in and approached his brother. "Hey. You okay?"

Mike turned to him.

Leo froze.

Mike's eyes were dark, strange. His mouth was set in a way Leo had never seen on him before. His body was tense. "Why should I be?" he asked, and his voice ground out like he was spitting gravel instead of words.

Leo's chest squeezed. It wasn't panic that gripped him, or confusion. Mike's eyes met his and all his confidence, all his joy at Splinter's acceptance of his feelings, slipped down through his feet into the stone tunnels and didn't stop until it was far, far away.

Replacing the happiness was a stunned sort of darkness.

Of course he wasn't okay. None of them were okay. Splinter accepting his feelings for Raph didn't change a damned thing, did it? Raph still hated him. He was still paralyzed and bitter and resentful, and Leo had always been his favorite scapegoat.

Honestly. How naïve had Leo been, thinking a conversation with Splinter would act like some magical balm? Splinter wasn't the key to everything. Hell, he'd probably even change his mind when he had some time to think about it. He'd start looking at Leo with disgust, cut their lessons short, distance himself from his disappointment of a son. And hell, Raph wouldn't care one way or the other. He said he didn't love Leo, and he probably meant it. He'd end up laughing at Leo for telling Splinter. Mocking him for his weakness.

If he lived long enough to mock.

Leo was so stupid, thinking somehow things would work out all nice and neat in the end. Life wasn't like that. Life was..._shitty_.

He turned away from Mike, fists clenching at his sides.

"Mike!" The word was a bark from the other side of the living room, angry and sharp and somehow it was Don's voice sounding that way.

Leo looked over as Don came out of his bedroom and shut his door, loud.

Don stalked towards the kitchen, anger twisting his features until he didn't even look like himself. "Mike, who the hell do you think you are? I told you I had to stay awake. I told you to leave me alone."

Mike whirled to face him. "Oh, please. You want to be such a martyr, don't you? Poor Donnie, shut up in his little room with all his books because God knows if he can't find some solution, no one can."

Leo snorted. "Sounds like him." Come to think of it, that was a pretty condescending way to act, wasn't it? Even when Raph first got shot, Don was there pushing his way up front, as if none of the others would know how to help him.

Don fired a glare at Leo. "Sounds like me? Well, at least I'm doing something. I'm not treating the fact that my brother got shot like it's some kind of dating opportunity."

Leo drew back, fury rising so fast and so strong it robbed him of his voice, but just for a moment. "You bastard. You think you know how I feel?"

"Nobody cares how you feel, Leo. Go shut yourself up with Splinter and meditate about it, and spare us having to listen."

"Oh, the hell with both of you." Mike turned away from them. "It's sad. Raph's going to die, and you two are gonna be all I'm left with."

"Like you're such a prize, Mike." Leo kept his eyes on Don, though, anger hazing his vision.

Don returned the glare steadily, but as he stepped into the kitchen he seemed to stop himself from speaking.

He looked from Leo to Mike, screwed his hands into fists at his sides, and let out a breath. "What...um. What are we doing here?"

"What do you mean, what are we doing?"

"I came out here to yell at Mike for making me sleep." Don's voice was odd and controlled, as if he was fighting back what he really wanted to say.

Leo snorted. "If you weren't such a...." He hesitated. Weren't such a what? Why was he furious at Don?

Don met his eyes. "You feel it too."

"Feel what?" Mike asked, a sneer in his voice.

Don looked at Mike, staring hard at him. "Why would I yell at you for taking care of me?"

Mike grimaced, but blinked suddenly as if confused. He looked from Don to Leo, and the anger curling his mouth into a hard grimace softened all of the sudden. He lifted the fists he held clenched to his sides, and stared at them until they relaxed and uncurled.

"Dude. This is weird." He looked back at Leo and Don. "I never felt angry like this, ever."

It was going away, little by little. The anger clenching Leo's gut eased, and as it did he realized how unnatural it was.

Was it the pressure getting to them? Maybe, but it was a little bizarre to think all three of them would respond to pressure by suddenly turning into angry jerks. Like they were competing to see who got to fill Raph's shoes once he...

Leo drew in a sharp breath.

Almost at the same time, all three of them turned and looked at the dark, silent doorway into Leo's bedroom.

Don's voice was low and stunned. "Something's happened."

Oh, God. Leo's chest clenched all over again, but it wasn't anger that gripped him. It was a horrible, wrenching certainty. That wave of darkness the three of them felt didn't come out of nowhere. Something had happened.

* * *

Raph's eyes were open and unfocused. Near his limp hand was a bottle of pills. On the floor by the table a glass had fallen, and spilt water stained the stone dark.

It almost looked like he was smiling.

But the thing that caught Don's eye was at the foot of the bed. A crinkle in the covers that came and went. A shift. A movement.

He could feel Mike and Leo on either side of him, could hear their breathing as it stopped dead in alarm, and then started back up again when they looked at what Don was looking at.

"Can you see it?"

Don blinked up at Raph. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "Yeah, we can see it."

Raph's eyes came into focus slowly, and he looked at the three of them, crowded in the doorway. The same awe that had choked his voice shined in his eyes.

But Don couldn't get lost in the victory of that shift of covers at Raph's foot. He stumbled through the door and to the bed, lifting the pill bottle and clenching his fist hard around it. "Raph. Did you...?"

"No."

Don's breath left him, and he heard two matching sighs from behind him.

Raph looked at them, at Don, at the bottle. He reached for it, and Don only hesitated for a moment before letting him take it.

"I was going to." He looked from the bottle to his other hand as it uncurled to reveal a small pile of tablets grinding into powder in his fist. He stared at them, then tilted his hand and let them spill into the bottle and onto the bed. "I was going to," he said again, looking up at his brothers.

Don reached out, helpless to stop himself, and gripped Raph's hand. He could feel the sandy grit of crushed pills against his palm, and it just made him clench tighter. Mike came around the other side of the bed and sat heavily, staring at Raph without touching him.

Raph looked from Don to Mike, and then over Don's shoulder where Leo must have stood. "You guys wouldn't let me."

"What do you mean?" Mike asked, emotion thick in his voice and relief making it tremble.

"I don't even know," Raph said, his small smile curling into a more Raph-like grin. "It was....man. It's like all the thoughts that I've had this whole time, since I first woke up. They were coming up so loud and strong and I was listening, and then..." He shrugged. "And then they were gone."

"Gone." Don kept his eyes on Raph's face, focusing to ward off any premature overemotional reactions to the whole thing. Even when he felt Leo step up beside him and felt the warm press of Leo's hand on his arm, he kept his eyes glued to Raph's face.

Raph looked back at him, then at the pill bottle. "Gone. My head got all filled up." He cocked a crooked smile, almost like he was embarrassed. "I could hear you. All of you. All the crap you've been saying this whole time, about how I've gotta be patient, and be careful, and things'll get better. All this stuff about how bad you want me to stick around, even if I'm useless." His eyes flickered up over Don's shoulder. "And how much you want me here for...the future. And everything."

Leo didn't answer, but Don could feel his hand tightening on Don's arm.

Raph grinned, gruff and embarrassed, but glowing with uncharacteristic awe. "Shit. You'll think I'm nuts, but...I heard all that stuff you've been saying all this time, and it's like I never listened until now. Or...or like my...my own thoughts...they left just long enough to keep from drowning you out." He hesitated, his smile fading thoughtfully. "This isn't coming out right. Can't describe how it...."

"So try." Mike reached out and touched his arm, twitchy as if he wanted to reach for that bottle of pills but was controlling himself.

Raph could only look at him for a second before his eyes lowered and his face flushed dark.

Embarrassed, Don could tell, and already the strange awe that was all over Raph was starting to fade.

"I can't." Raph blew out a breath and sat back. "Anything I say's gonna sound dumb, and this wasn't dumb. I never felt anything like it before. I mean...I never been so close to giving up on myself before." He looked up again. "I almost did it. I had water, I had pills, and I had my own stupid fucking head shouting at me about how everything was over. And my mind's been shouting that same shit for a while now, okay, but suddenly..." He frowned. "Suddenly it went from shouting to whispers. No more 'you should do it', you know? It turned into 'since you're gonna do it, do it now.'"

Don's stomach curled. His hand clenched tight around Raph's, feeling the sandy scratch of broken pills trapped between their palms.

"It's...shit. It's fucking _scary_, when you stop being scared of giving up and start accepting it. I could have done it, guys. I knew for a minute there, sure as I ever knew anything, that there was no point keeping this going. I _knew_ my life was over." His eyes focused somewhere in the middle distance, glittering too brightly. Not looking at any of his brothers, but not closing them out. "I don't want..." He stopped, throat working. "I don't want to feel like that. Not ever. I don't know why I always gotta assume the worst about everything. I don't want to. I don't want to carry this shit around in my head all the time. I just don't have any fucking choice. It's there."

He looked up then, past Don at where Leo stood. Something flashed in his eyes. "You guys talk so much like if I just tried I'd stop being so pissed all the time. If I really wanted to I could meditate all that shit out of my head, and wake up a whole new person. You think I _like_ feeling this way? You think I've got some choice and I choose this?" He blew out a breath, lowering his gaze. He dropped the pill bottle onto the bed and brought his hand up to scrub at his face.

Don sympathized. He didn't know what Leo and Splinter and Mikey thought about it all, but Don himself had never doubted that Raph couldn't control his emotions. He had always known it, and if he forgot it for a while thanks to the trauma of the gunshot wound, he remembered it again the day Raph had gotten himself up to go to the bathroom on his own. He remembered it listening to Raph tell Leo that if they were keeping him alive just to rot in a bed, he'd rather be dead.

Oh, he had a few minutes of sheer anger at Raph's words. Fury over the selfishness they showed, over the lack of consideration for how hard his brothers were working to keep him alive. For a few minutes there he let himself think that Raph wanted to die just to spite them and their work.

Common sense came back soon enough, though. As furious as Don was, as strange as he felt when Raph woke up after that little bathroom jaunt and couldn't feel his legs, he did know at least intellectually that Raph wasn't spiteful and selfish. That Raph out of all of them was the most passionate about squeezing every last bit of life out of a day. When the darkness came over him and told him he'd be better off dead, that wasn't something Raph chose. It was something Raph warred with.

Raph looked at him suddenly, breaking Don out of his thoughts. "Last thing I want to do is hurt you guys. You know that, don't you?"

Don smiled, faint and brittle, and nodded.

All his life Raph had sliced out at his brothers verbally, hurt them, insulted them, all in those dark fits of anger he had. But he was always the first to jump in when any of them were in danger. He was first to charge, first to defend, even first to throw away his weapons and surrender if a brother's safety depended on it. The first to jump in front of a bullet.

Raph had always put more faith in action than words. When Splinter gave Leo the katanas, and made him the leader, it caused a rift between Raph and Splinter that no amount of words could fix. No matter how often Splinter told him how good he was, and how strong, and how worthwhile, Raph only had to look at those swords and the words meant nothing. Raph spoke without thought so often, he had to think of words as throwaway things. He showed his love for his brothers with his actions. It was a harder love to pick up on than Mike's open and oft-spoken devotion or Leo's parental concern, but if Don ever thought Raph didn't love them it was only because he forgot for a moment that Raph simply showed it differently.

Don saw movement out of the corner of his eye, and watched Mike reach out and take the fallen pill bottle. His hand clenched around it, a strange bleakness in his eyes, and Don thought he knew without having to ask how the entire bottle ended up in Raph's hands.

Raph followed Don's gaze, and swallowed when he saw Mike's face. "Mikey..."

Mike looked up. "So keep talking."

Raph hesitated, but nodded. "So you get it, right? How this shit is just crammed in my head and I can't ever seem to shut it off? Well..." He shrugged. "I guess I shut it off. I mean, that's gotta be what happened, because just when I was about to swallow those fucking pills, suddenly my own crap shut up, and those voices of yours were suddenly loud enough that I could actually listen." He smiled suddenly, some of the soft awe returning to his face. "I never needed to hear you guys so badly, and you came through. And it wasn't just hearing Mike say that having me around was more important than anything else – it was like I could suddenly believe it. Like I know how he feels when he says stuff like that. Like if it was one of you in this bed, I could feel how hard I'd fight to keep you going. And I could feel...I could feel that you feel the same way about me. I don't know if I ever believed that before."

"Raph." Don surprised himself by speaking, but didn't stop it. "You're our brother."

Raph grinned. "I'm an asshole. I've given you plenty of reasons to hate me."

"Never happen, Raph." Mike again, looking a little less bleak at the idea that his voice in Raph's head had stopped what his actions with those pills nearly caused.

"Yeah." Raph looked back at Don. "I could hear you, too, talking about all the options, all the possibilities. Saying just 'cause you haven't found it yet doesn't mean there's not some solution out there. And I _believed_ it. Like the whole world was open suddenly, a thousand different options all leading to a thousand different possible solutions. And if the answer wasn't out there somewhere, hell, I'd just have to discover it myself. I dunno if that's how you actually think, Don, but damn. It was _cool_, feeling for a minute like there wasn't a thing in the world I couldn't figure out and fix if I just learned enough about it."

Don felt himself smiling a little, touched and somewhat amused by the words. "I guess that is how I think."

Raph grinned, looking past him at Leo. "And you. Don't get me wrong, you're the easiest one to hear normally, mostly because you spend so much time bitching at me. But it wasn't the bitching I heard, it was the other stuff. All that crap about being able to master myself, and discipline my own head and body. About how life's this constant struggle for perfection, and if I'm not any closer to perfect with half my body out to lunch, I'm sure not any further away either. Because let's face it, I was pretty screwed up before I got shot." His hand tightened against Don's, but he was still smiling. "I could hear you, and this whole thing suddenly seemed like a challenge, not an ending. Just one more hurdle to jump, and when have I ever shied away from a challenge?"

He looked around at them, his eyes glowing. It was probably the softest Don had ever seen Raphael look, and if it seemed strange on Raph's features it was a beautiful kind of strange.

"I got a lifetime of hearing my own negative shit in my head. For a minute, or two, or five, I heard you guys instead. And that was enough. One minute of you guys and this thing that I was about to kill myself over became just another training lesson. A challenge I could learn about, and could learn to beat. Something that wasn't nearly big enough to make you guys think less of me, or love me less, or want me around less. It became such a tiny fucking thing that when I came back to myself and looked at that pill bottle it made me _laugh_. I was gonna off myself because I can't jump around on rooftops for a while? Really? No way in hell. I have options to find and lessons to learn and a family that loves me more than I deserve."

He looked around suddenly, his grin wilting at the corners. "Right?"

"Right," Mike said, instant and firm.

"Right," Raph echoed. He hesitated. "I don't know why you guys showed up in my head. I don't know how I drowned out my own shit and managed to listen. I know....it's faded already. It's gonna go away, and I'm gonna remember how it felt but that's not gonna be enough all the time. So you have to remind me. I don't want to go back to how I felt before, but it's gonna happen. I'm me, you know? I just..."

"Raph, come on." Leo, sounding amused, spoke behind Don. "You think we're ever going to let you forget it? You think we're not ready to go another twenty years doing battle against your moods and your darkness? And then another twenty years after that? It sounds like you know us even better now than you did yesterday. You think Mike's love will ever fade? Or Don's optimism about finding answers will be silenced because you're a jerk now and then? Your attitude is as much a challenge to me as it is to you. Think I'm going to let you win? I've never let you win before in my life."

Raph's smile went crooked. "I've won against you before."

"Because you earned it. Because you fought for it." Leo moved around Don suddenly and stood over Raph, arms folded over his chest, challenge there. "Fight for it this time."

Raph bared his teeth in a grin, tight and fierce and like his old self.

Don cleared his throat. "Right. But fight for it in the morning. Epiphanies can be draining, and you're going to need your strength. Casey's coming down tomorrow for whatever it is you two call 'therapy'." He didn't miss Raph's smirk. "And while Mike's finishing dinner you get to sit here with me and go over every little thing you felt leading up to being able to move your foot."

Raph looked down the bed, and the sheet at his feet crinkled again, and he practically beamed. "I think you guys and your loud-ass voices just forced it out of me."

Don smiled.

"Anyway, before you start grilling me about my foot..." Raph's face suddenly flushed a darker green. "I need to talk to Leo about something."

Don caught Mike's eye across the bed, and Mike grinned. Don just sighed. "Fine." He slipped off the edge of the mattress. "Leo, come get me when you're done in here. Mike....you can teach me to make stir fry."

Mike beamed, charging to the door with the pills clutched but seemingly forgotten in his hand.

Don flashed Raph a smile as he slipped out the door, and didn't fail to notice the look on Leo's face as he watched them go. Uncertainty, fear, anger, hope. Leo wasn't one to war with a dozen emotions all at once – that was Raph's domain – but Don couldn't tell just by looking at him which of those emotions was going to dominate the others once he was alone with Raph.

Don shut the door to the bedroom and shook his head as he followed Mike.

In the kitchen Mike had set the pills down on the counter, and was regarding the bottle with brow furrowed. "So..." He looked over as Don approached. "Right before we went in there. When you and me and Leo were standing here ready to kill each other for no reason at all..."

Don frowned. He'd forgotten all about those strange few minutes.

"You think we helped him?"

"How do you mean?"

Mike approached the counter and took up the knife he'd been slicing vegetables with. "I mean...he said he always hears us, it's just his own thoughts are too loud to really listen. And he said he never needed to shut off those thoughts so badly in his whole life as he did right then."

Don thought about that, drawing in a thoughtful breath. "You think without even knowing it we took on his thoughts for a while?"

Mike smiled over at him. "Why not? Weirder things have happened."

Don almost returned the smile, but the idea that Mike was right made him grimace suddenly.

"What? It's a good thing, isn't it? We helped him in the end, even without knowing it. All that meditation and being as one and all Splinters been teaching us our whole lives really paid off."

Don nodded. "You might be right. It would explain a lot. I just..." He frowned at Mike. "If it was taking on Raph's thoughts that had us all snarling at each other, does that mean how we felt then is how Raph feels all the time? Is that what he's having to fight against?"

Mike's grin faded.

Don sighed. If Raph really did have such darkness in him all the time, he would need all his brothers to fight it back enough to overcome his injuries. Then again, if Raph was given a few minutes insight into how the three of them felt, maybe they equally needed insight into him. It would certainly be harder to dismiss Raph as a jerk now that they really knew what it was like in his head.

A fight was always easier to win when one knew and understood one's enemy.

He moved up to Mike's side and nudged his arm. "Come on, Emeril. Teach me how to cut things up and throw them in a wok."

Mike's eyes went back to the shut bedroom door, but he drew in a breath after a moment and let himself smile. "I'll have you know there's an art to stir fry."

"Oh, so you're an _artist_ now."

"Bet your ass. Just because you can't pour a glass of water without ruining it doesn't mean you have to resent those of us who are gifted in the kitchen."

Don nudged him again, smiling more sincerely. "I don't resent it. It keeps me from starving."

"Damned with faint praise," Mike sighed to himself. "The story of my life."

Maybe it was the fact that they had just come within an inch of burying Raph that was suddenly making Don brave. "You know, they say the way to a turtle's heart is through his stomach."

Mike looked down at himself. "I'd think you'd have to go through the plastron, not the..." He trailed off, blinking. His cheeks went dark, and his mouth curled up. "Oh."

Don grinned.

* * *

Don shut the door behind him, and Leo looked at it for a few silent moments as he tried to gather up all his wandering thoughts into some kind of coherency.

Raph had almost killed himself. Okay. That was what it was – a wrench to think about, but that was all. Raph was still alive, and he could move at least one foot, and he wanted their help in a way he'd never asked for before.

Leo found it hard to turn 'Raph almost killed himself' into good news in his mind, but it looked like that's what it was. Good news.

He turned from the door to regard his brother, this strangely expressive Raph who came out the other end of a suicide attempt. Moving to the bed, he took a seat in the spot Don had abandoned. It put him at eye level with Raph for the first time in a long time.

Raph looked at him with wide-open eyes, looking as uncertain and conflicted as Leo himself felt. "So. Look." He frowned, scrubbing at his face with his hands and sitting back against the headboard of the bed with a sigh.

Leo opened his mouth to talk, to say something about what he had realized, what he had done, the last few days. But Raph kept going before he could get words out.

"So that whole speech Don likes to give about me. The sour grapes thing. Remember that?" Raph's hands dropped to the sheets at his lap, but his eyes stayed lowered. "I call him on it like it's bullshit. But."

Leo's throat worked. His stomach curled.

Raph sighed. "But it's not. I don't know if you can really understand all this stuff I'm trying to tell you about...you know, what it's like in my head. As bad as it is normally, all the pessimistic crap my brain fills up with, it's a thousand times worse with you."

Leo's rising hope took a blow with that. He looked down at Raph's still hand laying on his lap, and his hand twitched to reach out. To touch him as comfortingly and easily as Mike and Don could.

"You know how much I wanted your swords, right?" Raph's head tilted back, hitting the wall as his eyes went upward. "Splinter gave them to you because you were better with them. Which, okay, I knew that even back then. But still, every fucking time I see those swords, even now when I wouldn't know what to do without my sai, even now there's this voice in the back of my head saying 'you're not good enough, Raph.' I wasn't good enough for them. I wasn't good enough to lead us. And I'm not good enough for you."

Leo's eyes jerked back up to Raph's face.

Raph smiled faintly without looking back at him. "I'm not saying it's true or not, I'm saying that's all I can think of. No matter what else is going on around us, those thoughts come in every single time. All the dark bullshit my head fills up with, and then I get those thoughts on top of it. All I have to do is see you and it starts again. So yeah, I've been a jerk to you for a long time. I pushed away every feeling I ever might've had, because it's too hard dealing with knowing I'm not good enough to have to deal with that other shit too."

Leo jumped in the moment Raph paused to breathe. "You wanted the swords and didn't get them, so I understand that. But me? You never wanted me, that I knew about. I never said no to you."

Raph hesitated. His eyes shifted to Leo's face and held there, with Raph's usual bravery. "I couldn't give you that chance. I already resented you, Leo. I was scared I'd hate you." He flashed a raw, bruised kind of smirk. "I told myself you had to know anyway. You were always Mr. Perceptive about us, I convinced myself you knew exactly how I felt and you were ignoring it to spare my feelings. That way...I didn't have to ever say it out loud, and you wouldn't ever have the chance to laugh in my face."

Leo frowned.

"I felt that way for so long and thought those stupid thoughts so much that I shut that part down. I had to. I resented you enough for the swords, for being leader, for leaving because you were so much better than us and then not coming back until iApril/i went to shake some sense into you. But...hell. No point in trying to bury it again now that every one of my fucking brothers knows about it. So..." Raph looked at Leo, drawing in a breath, chin lifting proudly. "Ask me how I feel again, and I'll tell you the truth. And to hell with what happens afterwards."

For a moment Leo was tempted. But he remembered when Raph had looked at him so accusingly and reminded Leo that he never once said anything about how he felt. '_You've spent all this time trying to convince me of how I feel about you, not the other way around.'_ And Leo had thought about it and realized it was true.

When Leo made a mistake, he didn't repeat it. He faced it and learned from it. So no, he wasn't about to ask Raph to admit how he felt. Not when they both knew the answer already.

He looked at Raph steadily, heart thumping at the fragile pride on his brother's face. It was so hard for Raph to leave himself open. Leo didn't understand Raph's kind of ego, the macho pride he puffed himself up with twenty-four seven. But he didn't have to understand it. It challenged him, it inspired him. It enraged him. It kept Leo from becoming complacent for even a single moment. He couldn't take his position for granted because Raph was always there to challenge him.

And right there in that bedroom, with Raph ready to admit the feelings that hurt him for so long, that was another challenge. Raph was giving him an easy way out, and wouldn't even call him on it if he took it.

Instead, he drew in a breath and did what he should have done from the start, from the first moment Raph woke up after taking that bullet.

"I love you."

Raph's expression froze.

Leo reached out then as he'd wanted to before, slipping his hand to cover Raph's unresisting one. "If you told me years ago, I don't know what I would have said or done. I never even thought about the possibility of this until the first time Don told me what you were really saying out on that street when you thought you were dying." He smiled faintly. "But since Don told me, it's all I can think about. It's this doorway I never even noticed suddenly standing open, and it took me a while to figure out if I wanted to step through or not."

Raph's eyes scanned his face, crackling with a kind of intensity Leo hadn't seen from him since before the bullet.

Leo could feel his own pride crackling. He marvelled at just how hard it was, speaking these words to someone. "I knew if you died nothing would ever be the same, but I didn't know, not at first, if that was because of you, or if it would have been the same with any of my brothers. The idea of losing any of you..." He hesitated.

Raph nodded once, terse.

Of course Raph already knew. All of them did. Leo sighed. "It took me a while, Raph. Don took it as a given how I felt, and who knows? Maybe he knew before I did. He picks up on the strangest things. And Mike. Mike was constantly daring me to step up, to be something for you that he couldn't be, much as he wanted to."

Raph frowned, but nodded again.

Leo smiled suddenly, thinking of his talk with Splinter. It felt like days had gone by since then, but it was only a matter of an hour or two. "You know, even Splinter. He knew the moment I first asked for his blessing who it was I was talking about. He said he wasn't blind. Something was there, Raph. Something Don and Splinter and Mike all knew about. Something I was late to see for myself, but..." He looked up at Raph, and his voice trailed off at the pale shock on Raph's face.

"Splinter." Raph's voice was hoarse. "You told Splinter."

Leo felt a moment's apprehension, but suddenly remembered what Mike had said that brought him to Splinter's door in the first place. Raph valued action over words. Raph had been terrified to face Splinter's reaction when it was him and Mike fooling around. And Raph knew that Leo would be even more scared to face anger and disappointment in their father than Raph was.

So apprehension vanished, and he faced Raph evenly. "I told him about my own feelings. I asked for his blessing."

"You were hoping he'd say no. Looking for a way out."

Leo frowned. "No. I was making sure I could face my fears. I was making sure I was worthy of this thing you were offering me."

Raph searched his face, focused and dubious. "I wasn't offering you shit."

Leo grinned at that. "No, not right then. But I was ready to talk some sense into you so you'd offer it again."

Raph stared at him, incredulous. "You told Splinter you love me."

"And I never lie to Splinter. You know that."

Raph's expression shifted, as if he couldn't figure out how to react.

Leo tightened his hold on Raph's hand. He shifted, slipping closer to his brother. "I love you, Raph. I probably always have, and I know I always will. If you had died that day I would have realized it too late. Now that I know, and you're still here, I'm not going to waste any time. I'm going to help you get better. I'm going to help you get out there on the rooftops and into battles, even if it's never truly safe for you, because I know if you don't have that you won't be the you I love anymore. But you're going to take your time and realize this isn't going to happen tomorrow, and you're going to keep your impatient ass alive because you love me too and that's worth it. Right?"

Raph snorted, but it was soft and still stunned.

Leo couldn't help himself. He leaned in, curving his other hand behind Raph's neck and bracing him as their mouths found each other.

It was heated, burning. Raph was only still a moment before he met the kiss like a challenge, driving against Leo's mouth with years of repressed feeling behind him. His hand clenched around Leo's arm, but not to push him away.

Leo could feel it- the challenge, the pent-up emotions. It turned a first kiss into something searing, something that was everything Leo would have expected between him and Raph.

He pulled back too soon for either of them, but his question was unanswered. He pried his dazed eyes open and met Raph's gaze in challenge, the kind Raph never left unanswered in the past.

"Right?" he asked again, demanding a response.

Raph's dark eyes were glittering. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, Fearless."

"That's no answer, Raph."

Raph's fingers twitched in Leo's hand, slipped through Leo's fingers to grip him tightly. "What kind of answer do you want? Yes, sir, Leonardo, sir. I'm here to obey."

"Shut up." Leo leaned in, meeting his eyes. "I want you to say it."

Raph scowled, but he didn't bother pretending he didn't know what 'it' was. He looked down at their hands, and when he looked back up the mock-scowl was gone, and his eyes were almost as soft as they had been when his brothers first walked it to find him sitting there with that pill bottle beside him.

"Fine," he said, and the defiance was faint in his voice, and gone entirely at his next words. "I love you, Leo. Happy now?"

"Yeah." Leo smiled, so wide it felt unnatural. He gripped Raph's hand and slipped his other hand up until his fingertips brushed down Raph's cheek. "Yeah, I am. How about you?"

Raph rolled his eyes at Leo's touch, but didn't pull away. When he answered his voice was quiet. Sincere. "If I'm not there yet I'm getting there fast."

Leo nodded. Not the perfect storybook answer, but an honest one.

There was still so much to work through. Raph's foot twitching was a far cry from his walking again, and once he was up and stronger there would never not be a risk of danger. It would take weeks. Months. Leo wasn't naïve enough to think this talk would silence all their future fights. Things would be hard and ugly for a long time, and Raph would have to war with his own dark voices. Leo could practically hear the fights they would have, could feel his own resentment and anger.

Every day would bring another battle. Raph would fight them at every turn, and would fight Leo just as hard as he had without love floating around between them like the ineffective cure-all it was supposed to be. It was going to suck, really, plain and simple. One huge challenge with a thousand smaller ones built in.

Leo had no idea how things would play out, and normally that kind of uncertainty would worry him. But there were two things he _was_ certain about, and those two things were enough to keep the smile on his face and to let him lean in and meet Raph's mouth with his again.

One? He loved a challenge. And two?

Raph was worth it.


End file.
